Autumn leaves

It was the first morning when she felt the autumn breath upon her face.

The yellow carpet underneath her feet, from previous years doesn't look like the one she knows. Cold small rain drops are kissing her face but she's not bothered by them. She's not sure what to feel. Her mind is in ten different places and nowhere exactly.

She's walking fast apparently knowing where but inside her there is no destination. She's lost in her thoughts. She's fighting a battle between belief and doubt. She wishes that she could just stop thinking. She wishes that she could trust him but everything that she sees and feels is pushing her towards disbelief rather than anything else.

The train arrived and for the first time in that morning she looked at her watch. She's still gonna get to work in time, although for the first time she doesn't care too much about it. Her head is like lead and her eyes are stinging her.

She gets out the subway station. She's close to work and no matter what she can't stop thinking at him. She feels stupid, lied, cheated, frustrated...empty.

She feels like everything that was important to her is now just a distant memory and no matter how hard she tries she can't touch it.

Why does she feel so bad?Why she feels she has no meaning in his life anymore? 

She wants to cry.... to scream, but before she knows it, she's in front of the door of the Coffee shop.

Her work colleague is smiling at her and asks her something that she replies automatically.

With her heart broken she gets to the newspaper stand and chats a little with the friendly sales man while choosing her usual papers. 

The minutes refuse to pass. She drinks her coffee without noticing that she forgot to put sugar in it. 

A few autumn leaves are dancing in the street and she's watching them through the big glass walls. 

What if she's wrong? most worrying question is.... What if she's right? as she was before? Her entire past flies in front of her eyes.... Every time she had a feeling like this one.... she was right about it.... Tears are blocking her eyes.

With her heart broken she tries to keep the smiley appearance.... to get on with the day and just get home to crush in the empty bed. 

Why would he take that away from her? Why would he give it to somebody else unless.... indeed, she's not the special one in his life anymore.

Broken heart....

Broken wings....

Autumn leaves....

Lies....

Loneliness....

Emptiness....

Bounded by Fado

                                         

At Sunday night’s concert the audience from Bucharest’s Radio Hall vibrated on Fado notes under the spell of Dulce Pontes incredible voice and talent.

Maria Gheorghiu, the only folk singer in Romania who sings Fado was between the spectators of a magical evening. She made a cover after “Cancao do Mar” and Dulce Pontes found out about the artistic act, six years ago, through a friend. Dulce sent her appreciations to Maria by e-mail telling her that she has a “fatidic and kind voice, with a round Portuguese accent” and that she can sing Fado with great success. “I am thrilled that we meet under the same Sun. I thank you for taking a part of me and I’m ashamed that I could not be the first to offer it to you” she told Maria.

The two singers meet back stage and bounded a unique friendship sealed with a hug.

“I was waiting for the meeting with Dulce like a lost traveller in the desert waiting to drink water”, Maria confessed. “I needed to see her, to hear Dulce sing and look into her eyes. I needed for her to see how much I appreciate what she offered to me when I first heard her sing. It’s impossible to listen to Dulce and not wish to become better. It’s impossible not to be touched in the depth of your soul by the generosity with which she offers her heart, that generosity that just great spirits still have it”.

It was an evening; it was a meeting that Maria will never forget. For an hour and a half, she studied Dulce Pontes and she let herself to enter in a world beyond her imagination.

“I saw her playing on the stage; I saw her transforming at every song…. For an hour and a half I lived outside the exterior world, fascinated by hers. The world could have just collapse around me, the walls of the Radio Hall could have cave in while she was singing and I wouldn’t have seen anything, because it was no room for anything else to be seen. Dulce Pontes, I thank you for teaching me how to love the Sea singing Cancao do Mar, I thank you for teaching me how to love and understand Fado , I thank you for the music of the world, which now because of you, matches my world too!”  

                                                                                       

                                                               Maria – Cassandra Modoaca

About MINDS

False premises can only create false problems. 
We usually create them. Out of fear, out of lack of knowledge or understanding. And because they are our own creations we get very "attach" to them, and we always seek for tokens of evidence. If we don't find them, we invent them. If we invent them, we believe them. Apparently we trust, most of all, our minds or better said that "voice" in our minds.


"Unconscious phenomena have been held to include repressed feelings, automatic skills, unacknowledged perceptions, thoughts, habits and automatic reactions, complexes, hidden phobias and desires. Within psychoanalysis the cognitive processes of the unconscious are considered to manifest in dreams in a symbolical form. Thus the unconscious mind can be seen as the source of dreams and automatic thoughts (those that appear without any apparent cause), the repository of forgotten memories (that may still be accessible to consciousness at some later time), and the locus of implicit knowledge (the things that we have learned so well that we do them without thinking).It has been argued that consciousness is influenced by other parts of the mind. These include unconsciousness as a personal habit, being unaware, and intuition."


A self-defense mechanism?! A self-preservation?! 


"Do you know that usually when someone fights with you, you're nothing more than a mirror in front of that person. She/he is not fighting with you, but rather with herself/himself." 


As everything in this world, every action causes a re-action. We are offended by the reaction that we see, but we don't think that we cause it through our actions, and aware of not, (most of the time, not) we still do blame ourselves. Usually the reaction that we cause is nothing else than an extension of ourselves. The reaction should make us see our actions. Unfortunately we only see the other one's reactions and judge them without thinking at our mirror. Our actions are controlled by our thoughts.And controlling our own thoughts and mind, is the hardest thing to do. 

All our lives are a long chain of actions and reactions, in everything that we do. Call it a "vicious circle", if you want. Aware or not, we react to someone's actions, and vice versa. Unfortunately most of the time we let ourselves be driven by unconsciousness. We think and react according to our fears. We create our own truth and we trust in it. 


It's a hard and long battle with yourself, that most of us, refuse to fight. 


Most of the people that I know claim that they are taking that war, but almost all of them stop when they see inside something that they couldn't even imagine about them. They freak out and go back to their truth about themselves. In each and single one of us there is an equality between good and bad. We think about us, that we are just good, because that's what we want to believe, and others around us. When we see the other part, if we see it, most of the time we run away from it. 


If we can not admit it, how can we fight with it?


“The truth will set you free, but first it will piss you off.” 


This is where the hard part comes from around the corner... If we see that bad part in us, we will start to feel guilty, and instead of forgiving our human nature and trying to control it, we throw guilt on the closest person that we have. - It's their fault, they should feel guilty. 
What do we do most of the time? We run away from it. We don't want it. We don't want to learn from it, we don't wanna distort our truth about ourselves. We are too cowards to fight with our own minds. We think it will fade away, it won't. It will only hide for some time in our unconsciousness.

“Facts do not cease to exist because they are ignored.” 

As I said in an earlier post, you can not make it right, not until you forgive yourself. 
In order to forgive yourself you have to accept your HUMAN NATURE. 
Forgiving leads to trust. Trust leads to love.
No matter if it is forgiving yourself or someone else, the results are the same.  

“When I despair, I remember that all through history the way of truth and love have always won. There have been tyrants and murderers, and for a time, they can seem invincible, but in the end, they always fall. Think of it-always.” 

Truth About Love

Love.
Love is cruel. Is risky. Is dangerous. Is sneaky. Is sorrow.
Love is beautiful. Is self sufficient. Is happiness. Is kind. Is understanding. Is forgiveness.


The greatest danger that you will encounter in this endless quest for love, is that you tend to lose yourself.Can you risk that? Are you willing to give yourself up just to feel the touch of love? Are you willing to give yourself up just for some moments of perfection?
Think hard. It's not an easy answer, and to answer this question you have to have the power to analyze yourself.


Every time, we say yes! And we start to lose ourselves in it, we love how we feel in the beginning, we embrace everything.... Later on we freak out because of something happened, we go back in past and start to make parallels with the present, and start to run away, unaware of that retreat, most of the time.



“When you stop expecting people to be perfect, you can like them for who they are.” 


Most of us, run our full lives, hiding from relation to relation, thinking that it was a fail, because of that and that and that. Did any of us, looked deep inside to see the real reason? The real fear?


Every single one of us is afraid to give up himself, if we do, we do it just up to a point. Everyone is afraid that will get hurt and will meet those other faces of love : sorrow, sadness, loneliness and aware of not, we go into retreat. 


"The first cut is the deepest" is true. Very few people among us had healed or manage to deal with that first cut. We hide ourselves and say that we did. The scar was always there in the shadows of our minds : THE FEAR OF HAPPENING AGAIN! and we get drowned in that fear.
Unfortunately for some, that fear of getting hurt again at that level, does nothing else than to make us stop believing is the most powerful force of Universe : LOVE. We want to believe in it, but we are not ready to face those shadows. We are not brave enough to confront ourselves and our own fears. Why? Because we never healed from the beginning.
The closer that we think we get to that point, the more scared we get and the hardest part is that we don't even see it or admit it.

“No persons are more frequently wrong, than those who will not admit they are wrong.” 

We are afraid of letting ourselves go and in the same time we are afraid to be US. To fight with US. To live with US.
We are weak and look for comfort and happiness into another person and that happens only because we are too afraid to look into ourselves, to look at our wounds. We are afraid to be who we are, because others judge us. We want to be what people want to see and we forget who we really are because we want to be next to them. And we think that being someone that we think they like, it's best. That it will protect us. It never is like that. 
Love changes us. We do stupid things and judge premature, most of the times because we are afraid of being hurt.


Do not forget that no matter how strong you might be or think you are, we all need love and affection. 


1st step in healing is FORGIVING YOURSELF! Most of us think : Oh! It was my fault I got too blinded, I shouldn't had done that or that. I should had been more careful.... The truth is, you are were you are now, because of all the things that happened to you. Do you know where you are? Are you content with yourself? Do you know where do you have to work to make you work? If you do, why look at the half empty glass? It's always a half full, also. 
You must forgive yourself for the mistakes that you did. If you don't forget yourself, you will repeat them no matter how hard you will try not to. You have to make peace with yourself in order to make peace with someone else.
Every obstacle is an opportunity to learn something. You fucked up once, you tried a different angle but still fucked up? And again and again, you got "n" chances and still fucked up? That is because you started to feel overwhelmed by guilt and lost the confidence that you can make it right. Forgive yourself and then try again. When you forgive yourself, you see things different. You will see the right angle and you will be able to take to good path.
You can't love without forgiveness. You can't love without trust. 


In order to love yourself, you have to trust in yourself. You can't do that without forgiving yourself. 

The Unknown... or Known????

How can we live in a country where health & medical system are just some freakin' words in some dictionary or people language????

I am pissed off about this for a long long time, but just didn't got the chance to get really fucked off and put the god dam words together....

I have two examples for you, both of them let's say, very important to me.

1. I have been raised by my grandmother which I love with all my heart. The woman that give her life away just to raise my mum, her sister, and later on... me. The kind of woman that does nothing else than constantly worries about "her girls". Family comes 1st was what I always seen and heard from her. She was capable, and in many occasions did so, took her share of food, or piece of "something nice" and split it between her girls. As she was sort of a single mum, she could be capable of eating nothing than bread, just to see her girls in school or enjoying a piece of chocolate.... and believe me, when I say, she did so. Who wasn't here in the '80, would have no clue what the fuck am I talking about. 

All her life she did nothing else than thinking at us. A few years ago, when she was about 65, health already declining, she decided that she's going to Switzerland to work, cause she wanted to refurnish her home and leave a nice place for us to meet after she'll be no more. 

I remember I went to Resita that time and the door was blocked. I had keys but they were not working. I rang the door bell, phones... everything. I started to panic, cause I knew she never had a deep sleep in her life. I went to the nearest hotel and booked for the night (there were about 2 of them, those days in town). The next morning I went back to my granny's house... My aunt showed up and told me that she left in Switzerland. I got MAD! How the fuck no one could convince her to just stay home??? We don't need a nice home after she's gone, we need HER!!! I was angry, pissed off in a way that took me years to forgot.

She came back after about 3 months. And she started to feel from bad to worse. Her skin was deteriorating so fast that no one knew what the hell it is or what we can do. Painful nights, her body covered in injuries, bones pain, heart problems and so on. 

We started to seek for doctors and did all the imaginable tests possible. One came with the idea of skin cancer, another one with.... I can not even remember how many things they said it is and none was. Nothing was helping her. Nothing was easing her pain. After more than 2 years of treatments and wrong diagnostics, we found a "OK" doctor in Timisoara. He managed to explain what is wrong with her, what's going on and started to improve a little bit, even. After another year, she went to the pharmacy and asked the pharmacist if he can give her something to ease the itchiness of the skin. She showed him a piece of skin and the guy gave her some cream. In less than 3 months her skin was healed almost completely. 

That is the moment when my rage started to show : HOW THE FUCK you spend shit loads of money on doctors (I think we all know, that if you don't show up with an envelope with money - no one would even look at you) and treatments for years... you do tests that you don't even imagine they exists, you buy expensive medicines that you don't afford - you take bread from your mouth for fucking pills - and you get the cure after years from a pharmacist that just took a look at your injury????? Please tell me how the fuck is that possible??? 

That was a rhetoric question. How is that possible? WE LIVE IN ROMANIA! 

Here no one gives a shit about anyone else as long as they don't need anything or as long as they are OK. 

"Oh! We're sorry we can't do anything more!" - Translation - "We're sorry, but we are too lazy to think at someone else!"

Someone is telling me this for some time now, but I refused to believe it, I still have problems not looking that it might not be that dark : Words are the 1st currency of  Romania. No one does anything. And if they say they will, they will not but they will tell you : "I'm sorry, I tried"

SORRY - had became the most meaningless word in Romania. It's empty! 

Going back to my granny... 

For about 2 years now, she has a different doctor that she goes to see in Timisoara. This April she went to see him, did some tests, all those check ups to see how the treatment works.... and so on... For more than a year, she has problems with infections. She can not get rid of them, no matter what, basically her immune system started to shut down because all the antibiotics that she was stuffed with for years. She has a pneumonia for more than 5 months, and no treatment helped. So the guy sent her to another hospital, to see a lung specialist. He did some test... and he sent her home with a prescription for medicine that she could not even find, not to mention the direction to the specific pharmacies where to get them and so on, or the price of them. Then the guy calls in my aunt, which was with her, and tells her that she's "evolving" towards lung cancer, but make sure she takes  that and that and that and we see how she is in a month.

Now, I don't have much experience and I do love watching House M.D. - too bad is over - but serious? You don't confirm your diagnostic before treatment????? 

Here... everybody is a test rat, so doctors can get their fees from pharmacy's that they "work" with.... The more expensive are the medicines, the more they want to sell ... well ... intermediate... You know what I mean... Get something out of it, who the fuck cares that MAYBE, just MAYBE those pills will do more wrong than good...

2. My mum. Not the typical mum that anyone can have and I will not go into details. She's not a smoker, not a drinker, not a junkie, not someone with sleepless nights, takes care of her diet and so on. She's starting to feel bad. Blood pressure up to the freakin' roof, vomiting, collapsing.

So? What do you do in cases like this? 

What every normal human does : CALL THE AMBULANCE. 

What do you do when the ambulance doesn't show up in an hour, when you are in the fucking city center of an European capital called Bucharest? You call again.... Let me tell you, that it's better to jump in a taxi and go straight to Hospital. The ambulance might show up at the 3rd call, after 2-3 hours, or at all. In which case... pray it's nothing too serious... or you're fucked. 

Basically.... Don't even DARE to get sick while you are in Romania.

1. Ambulance service is SHIT. You might as well be dead, by the time they show up. - or check internet for a private one - they cost so, you might get lucky and get one faster.

2. Every doctor has a different opinion. Every doctor sees what he thinks is in his best interest. Do not rely on them. Go and see 10 others, and then judge what is more closer to the truth.

3. Do not dare to go see a doctor without that "envelope" - SPAGA, MITA - in romanian words, in case you do there are 3 options : 

a. Everybody will act like you are invisible or if you are seen, you'll be treated exactly how they act with someone that they owe money to - send you from one to another. 

b.You'll be treated like a rat - well, you do anyway, but you might be one of the more "valuable" ones, depends of how thick is that envelope.

c. Eventually you'll feel even worse and you'll discover new symptoms - not because your disease is evolving but because you got stuck with something else too.

4. Hospitals???? HA - Stay home, you're safer! 

5. Be aware of pills. READ the prospect before using them, even if your doctor told you "THOSE WILL HEAL YOU".

“Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.” 

ALIVE!

Thank those who managed to dragged me out of the house these days :) And, no, I will not give any names, they know who they are ;)

I think I kinda' forgotten how good it is to be OUT & ALIVE. To see familiar faces. To have a drink or two, to throw some darts. To listen to some good music, even dance a little. To enjoy and laugh. To be a little happy. Jezzzz.... It's the touch of life! ;)

Even if I got home without my phone, which I really really liked and the morning was painful as Hell... ;))

“One good thing about music, when it hits you, you feel no pain.”  - Bob Marley. 

It's NOW or NEVER!

Thoughts, sadness, anger.... Yes, I always write what I feel. It helps me.
Some people read, some don't. Some care, some find their own answers.
This is how after a Hell lot of years I had a chat with, let's say, someone that I know since the time of sweet high school.Yeah! Those times when I was living in the same house with my mother and I was willing to do anything to just, get away from home.
I started to remember how I used to be.
That REBEL kiddo' jumping off the window to go places and do things. Mountains or sea side, didn't really matter as long I was feeling the wind through my hair. I was madly in love with adventure.
I remember places. Music. Camping in the heart of the mountains, chilly nights, starry nights..... and a whole lot more. I remember skipping school just run away, just to go to "the pub" to write. I even remember some of my poems.
"The rock chick", the rebel that used to say FUCK OFF, this is my life and I wanna live it! The one that took her own decisions and didn't care too much about a broken heart, but moved on. The one that had the courage to say : ENOUGH when I considered it.

Years passed by, and slowly I started to forget that spirit. I started to forget the feeling of being FREE. I started to forget that I have a "pair of wings". I broken them in time. No one asked me to do it, but somehow I did it.
Even if now I'm accused of thinking only at myself, I stopped doing that long time ago. I became waaaay to DOMESTIC and "killing" me did nothing than make people wonder : WHO AM I????
Looking at all those, I blame no one, but me. No one asked me to do nothing for me and I do not think anyone had ever aspect it either. I lost myself. I lost my courage, my independence, my aggression, my freedom. And I did it to myself. I hung myself to feelings and forgot to also use my rationality. I thought that I do not need ME as long as I have HIM. I had dig my own hole.

Now the biggest challenge is.... HOW THE FUCK I'M GETTING ME BACK???

Sure as Hell I have to stop doing the things that I am doing now. Most of them, anyway. I looked at the wrong angles and was to afraid that, yes, doing that or that, will make me lose him, but no matter what I tried to do, I didn't got me back. And we both wanted that.

I became what I thought the man next to me will like to have and forgot my own personality on the way. I forgot was he liked in the 1st place.

I never needed anyone to make decisions for me or take care of me. I always learned my way without anybody else showing it to me. And because someone did, I, yes, admit it, became LAZY.

I used to be the joy of those around me, I became waaaaay to god'dam domestic. ENOUGH!!!

“I'm a little selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best.” 

Those freakin' 5 stages

1. Denial.
2. Anger.
3. Bargaining.
4. Depression.
5. Acceptance.

They say that those are the 5 stages of grief. To lose someone doesn't necessarily mean to.... die. And until you heal, the first 4 of those stages will probably mix and you'll pass one of them, you'll come back to another one. For some might take days, weeks, even more. For some can be a question of minutes, hours. We all are unique.

1. DENIAL - No fucking way, this is not happening to me. Things will be OK. Things will sort out. Everybody will see that. He will eventually see that he's wrong.
Nothing makes any sense to us. We become overwhelmed.Our brain is bombed with questions. We try to find a way to go through each day. We are walking bodies with a brain stuck in the world of  "NO". After some time you start to answer yourself to questions and on the way doing that you're feelings denied by then, start to come to surface. You begin to heal.

2. ANGER - Why??? What reasons? Why no one can see? A stage of  mixed feelings. Anger, pain, abandon. With every question that you ask yourself, you feel more and more anger and it feels endless. You start to see things that they were not necessarily there, but you see them and you feel like your blood is boiling every time you think about it. Your heart beats faster, your body is filling with adrenaline. You turn against everybody. You seek for imaginary answers. As anger grows your rationality fades away.

3. BARGAINING - What if???? If only....You try to seek ways to change the situation.Finding a way is all you can think about.
"When there's a will, there's a way" - is the only thing that you see. You don't see that maybe you finding a way, might not be enough.

4. DEPRESSION - Why go on at all? I can't do this... What's the point of going alone??? Emptiness, loneliness, sadness. Missing.
Those sleepless nights, those days with no hunger, no thirst, no will, no purpose. All you do is think at the other person. What you used to do together. How good it was. How happy you used to be. How empty is the bed now. How cold you feel at nights. Food has no taste, or even worse, it makes you sick. You feel lonely, and you don't wanna see anyone. No one else than the one you lost, matters. You can't do anything without missing that someone.

5. ACCEPTANCE - We learn to accept reality. That someone is gone. We are on own now. After the "grief" had it's needed time, we do eventually move on. We start to live again. We start to take control over our own mind and learn to live with our loss.

....

“When someone cries so hard that it hurts their throat, it is out of frustration or knowing that no matter what you can do or attempt to do can change the situation. When you feel like you need to cry, when you want to just get it out, relieve some of the pressure from the inside - that is true pain. Because no matter how hard you try or how bad you want to, you can't. That pain just stays in place. Then, if you are lucky, one small tear may escape from those eyes that water constantly. That one tear, that tiny, salty, droplet of moisture is a means of escape. Although it's just a small tear, it is the heaviest thing in the world. And it doesn't do a damn thing to fix anything.”

Sometimes I wish I couldn't feel at all, anything at all. I wish in these moments that I was never born, that I had never meet you, I would had never knew you or fall in love with you... It's sounds bad, I know. It's sounds childish and mean and I stop thinking at the most important things : it happened, deal with it, learn from it.

Whoever loved true enough and knows that could have given more or try harder, would be able to tell in details what I feel. 

Yesterday I wanted to be able to scream my lungs out, today I wish I couldn't use them anymore. 

Food doesn't exist anymore, water is disgusting, nights are empty and emptier, dreams are scarier or too sweet to be dreamed. Your face, our memories, places, moments are hunting me and feels like I have no escape. They show no mercy. 

The things that use to bring a smile to me, the things that I cherished the most, the things that I loved to look at every time and think about them, suddenly, all became, my worst enemy. In these moments I wish I had the power to lock them away and trow the key as far as I can trow anything. Some people do that. Some people are able to concentrate on something that was bad or wrong or imagine something to degenerate the good feelings, they let themselves overwhelmed by hate and anger. I think that the only result of that is to make yourself uglier and eventually become what you think of. If you let your soul to be drowned in hate and anger, then you will have nothing else to give, than that. I don't want to become like that. It's a longer path and much harder, but is the only right thing to do.

"Remember, what you think of, will expand."

A permanent battle with yourself. You think at bad, then you think at good, you get angry then you cry out of sadness. You wish you could show it once more, you wish to be able to do it right, but in the same time you know, you shouldn't. You wanna talk with them, you wanna explain, you wanna call, you send a sign... well, you shouldn't. If you decided, that letting go, is what you should do, don't do it. 

It's so hard.... cause you wanna hear that voice again, you wanna see those eyes, that face, feel that touch, that kiss, that hug.... You wanna do anything humanly possible to make them see that your actions were never bad intentions. You wanna make them believe the opposite of what they do. You want to be certain that they know how much you love them, but you will only cause annoyance and pain. Don't chain the person that you love.

“Why is there ever this perverse cruelty in humankind, that makes us hurt most those we love best?” 

If you truly want that, if you truly love, just.... let go. Do what you have to do, what you should have done, time ago. Hope that one day, that person will see how much you loved, but don't wait for that to happen. 

If you truly love that other person, respect the decision that they made. Don't try to change it. 

“The unending paradox is that we do learn through pain.” 

I can't even listen to music without crying, I haven't kept not even a song that I loved for me, I shared all my little knowledge. I can't watch anything without thinking that : we should watch it together. Everything is just a to painful reminder of him. Everything turned into a memory that hurts. We did so many things together, so many simple things... that now, I am unable to do them. They hurt too much.

A cup of coffee in the morning, a piece of toast, a glass of juice, a walk, a song, a movie, a glass of wine, a piece of cheese, a bath, History channel, looking at the sky, watering the plants, even sleep.... they all just hurt too much now. Everything that used to bring pleasure in my life from all time, and I shared them with him, have become my burden. 

If it be your will

“We waste time looking for the perfect lover, instead of creating the perfect love.”

"Whenever you're hurt, ask yourself this question : what will love do?" - I was told one day by a man who looked deep into my eyes and saw what I didn't want to tell. I blushed and hugged him, and moved on.

I'm sitting in front of my laptop and don't wanna see anyone, don't wanna do anything. I wish I could scream my lungs out, but I know it will not help me, or anyone else. The only thing that I can do is be patient for all to slowly fade away. 

"Go feel sorry for yourself" he told me. 

I'm not sorry for myself, but I am sorry that sometimes people do not see the obvious. I am sorry that sometimes the simplest answer is ignored and replaced with scripts that even to a writer would be hard to put together. I am sorry that trust had faded away. I am sorry that I failed to show more of my feelings. I am not a very rational person. I was always more emotional than rational. Judge however you want this statement. 

Maybe you will say I am weak, I don't care. I know I am a lot stronger than I look, I always was.

I do have the strength to look at myself and see where I was wrong, where I made a mistake, why and what I should had done. I do have the strength to look at myself and admit when I am wrong. I do have the strength to face the suffering without running or hiding from it. I always had the strength to rebuild what was ruined and start again every time I was down, and all those are facts. I always had to strength to forgive.

"Forgiveness is an act of self love."

What I always failed to do was to say "NO" even if sometimes I should had. I forgiven when I should had punish. I loved when I should had been indifferent. I was unable to stand up for myself when I had a way to ignore or be kind. I always looked for the truth even if that costed me more than I was willing to pay. I made hasty decisions and acted reckless many times. I always looked for love and those simple things that can create something special out of almost nothing. And when I found them, or thought I did, all I wanted was to hold on to them but didn't realize that wanting to hold them will make me lose them.

I gave what I had, many times nothing more than moments or feelings.I gave me and all my heart. I have nothing else. I failed to look after myself when I had the opportunity to just enjoy you. 

Sometimes is just not enough, isn't it? Or maybe is too much to be accepted or seen. 

If all those make a bad person, so be it, cause everybody sees what they want or what others show them, and believe what they chose to, right?

If all those make me a looser, so be it. I don't feel like one. I feel that I'm alive and I have the ability to love, which can't be said about many people.

I still have a lot to learn, I don't deny that. We all do.

“The heart has its reasons which reason knows not.” 

Days without purpose

“It hurts to let go. Sometimes it seems the harder you try to hold on to something or someone the more it wants to get away. You feel like some kind of criminal for having felt, for having wanted. For having wanted to be wanted. It confuses you, because you think that your feelings were wrong and it makes you feel so small because it's so hard to keep it inside when you let it out and it doesn't coma back. You're left so alone that you can't explain. Damn, there's nothing like that, is there? I've been there and you have too. You're nodding your head.”

Sometimes letting go is the only good thing that you can do. It's never is easy on you. It's the hardest and the most bitter part of your life, but at the end of your suffering you will see that any other attempt of doing anything else, would have fail. Sometimes self sacrifice is better that you can imagine. 

Why try to keep someone close to you, when that someone only wants to be some place else??? It makes you both miserable and life goes by without any meaning. That is not love, that is selfishness. 

Sometimes it's better to suffer now,rather than waking up one morning old and alone, even if that someone is sleeping next to you. If you get to that point it means you not only wasted your life, but also the life of that someone next to you. And in most cases someone being next to you, doesn't necessarily means you're together. 

It's scary. It's not hard but it's the harder thing to do. Prepare yourself for sleepless nights, for food without taste, drink without the ability to kill your thirst. Prepare yourself for loneliness and pain. For fears and tears. For memories that will invade your brain and you will be unable to chase them away.... You will feel empty, consumed, angry, insecure, alone, hurt, broken in thousands of pieces, without purpose, sad.... But all of those will eventually pass... and after all is over, you will feel the touch of freedom, because you did something good for someone else and for you. For that someone that you still love. If it is love, that feeling of missing will never disappear. The love will not go away, but you will learn to accept them as part of you. You will learn to live with them.

“I have found the paradox, that if you love until it hurts, there can be no more hurt, only more love.” 

“There is always some madness in love. But there is also always some reason in madness.”

Non, rien de rien

“You've gotta dance like there's nobody watching,

  Love like you'll never be hurt,
  Sing like there's nobody listening,
 And live like it's heaven on earth.”

Life is never what we expect or want to be. Life is just how we make it. 

I once said that we are nothing else that an endless series of our choices. The facts that you chose to do define you as the human being that you are. 

I chose to let myself go, even if  I knew I might get hurt. I chose to love even if I knew my heart could be broken in pieces again. I made mistakes, I was reckless many times. I didn't stopped to think when I should had. Sometimes  I  chose the easier path, when I felt uncomfortable. I chose to react instead of think. Or think too much when I should had reacted. But on top of all those, I love him with all my heart and never thought there could be someone else to replace him, not even for a second. I felt stupid and hypocrite when I made him feel bad or uncomfortable. I cried countless nights when I knew I made him angry or annoyed...  

I am accused that everything that I do is for me. Maybe it is. I wanted the man next to me because I love him, and many times I acted reckless because I thought is the best way to keep him close to me. I was angry many times, I was frustrated many times.... and made the wrong choice to share them, when I should had let the time to show the truth. When I should had stepped back and look better. I didn't in many occasions.  Even in doubt, instead of looking at the time to show it, I chose to question and look for proofs. I thought telling him what I feel and how, about things, will help or make him think that I am also just human. I thought that when you love someone, you also try to understand that person and accept him/her as they are. 

I've been told that it was something that he liked about me : soul and brain.

Now I have a question...  

Is your soul changing when you make a reckless thing?  Does the way you think changes when make a bad call? 

I've been told that he is different, he showed me in many ways.
"Everything here is about what other people think. I don't give a crap about them."... I actually believed him, but he didn't mean it. The image in other people's eyes, is apparently everything that matters in this world.

I tried to change everything that he told me it's bothering him, I failed over one aspect...

I believed for so long that I can make him happy. 

Now I know... the only way to do that...  is... just to let go.

Unfortunately, love is never enough. 

“Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened.” 

- it means you're alive and you are able to feel. It makes you human.

If I regret something is just the fact that, I wasn't good enough.

Non, rien de rien, non je ne regrette rien,

Ni le bien qu’on m’a fait, ni le mal, tout ça m’est bien égal.

Non, rien de rien, non je ne regrette rien.

C’est payé, balayé, oublié, je me fous de passé.

Avec mes souvenirs, j’ai allumé le feu,

Mes chagrins, mes plaisirs, je n’ai plus besoin d’eux.

Balayés les amours avec leurs trémolos,

Balayés pour toujours, je repars à zéro.

Non, rien de rien, non je ne regrette rien,

Ni le bien qu’on m’a fait, ni le mal, tout ça m’est bien égal.

Non, rien de rien, non je ne regrette rien.

C’est payé, balayé, oublié, je me fous de passé.

Car ma vie, car mes joies, aujourd’hui, ça commence avec toï.

Addiction

"Curiosity killed the cat."

Believe it or not, it is a fact.
I feel it again.

Sometimes, I guess I just don't realize what my addiction about knowing the truth, costs me.

Ah, yes, knowing the truth.... Let me tell you, that it is a destructive disease that will hunt you down and take away everything that you love and care about. You think, in your naivety, that the truth is the Absolute, the only thing that sets you free, the only thing that matters in your existence. Well... Let me tell you, that we are NEVER ready to pay the price for it, that is because, always, the price of it is everything that you hold dear to.
"Everybody lies." - it's a fact.
"Sometimes we lie to protect the people that we care about" - I was told by the man that was the whole of my life.
He showed me so many times that he is different, that he cares, that he loves me, that he wants us. Than, something happened and he managed to hurt me deeply. So deeply that I started to question everything that I had. I just wanted to ignore the fact, and think that he will never do anything to hurt me, ever.
But, since then... all my life seemed to change. A long and exhausting battle took over me. In one minute I was thinking at the great man that I love and I had next to me, and in the next moment, black thoughts and fears were controlling me. I was doing everything that I humanly could to chase away those black thoughts. To believe what he showed me. To ignore a mistake. To believe he will not do what everybody else did.
A battle that is long and on all fronts.
You start to see things that are not there. You imagine the worse, although you know it is not true. You live in fear and doubt, although you have no reason to, and you know it.
You want to be reassured, you look for proofs to show you that you are wrong. You want the truth as a proof so you can end that exhausting battle faster and easier. You want the easy way.
And instead of doing what you should do, instead of letting the time to pass by and chill things and clear your vision.... you look for proofs. And when you do eventually find the truth, you realize that the price you will pay for it, is something that you will never be willing to pay. But it's too late for remorse now, you already have to pay it up.
I wanted to KNOW, I wanted to see, I needed proof and all I did, was to lose the dearest thing that I had : the person that I love and foolishly believed that he would want to hurt me. I looked for a proof, that I didn't need. I had all of them in front of my eyes, but I was blind.

Under normal circumstances, when someone asks me a stupid question I react and respond with sarcasm and consider that person a too bigger idiot to bother.... When my brain was bombed by thoughts and fears... I could't react, I stopped thinking and let myself go into panic. "I need the truth!" - that's all I could think. I didn't stop to think that asking him the truth might cause anger, I didn't care. All I wanted was to KNOW. To end that battle. To rest. I didn't think that asking him, under the control of adrenaline that was flooding me, would hurt his feelings after all that he did to show me opposite... I just NEEDED TO KNOW. I didn't think to look around me, at everything he already gave. I wanted truth.

Maybe, indeed, I acted selfish.

I wanted to end the battle and put an end to the nightmares that are consuming me, every night, since then.

But unfortunately this is how we are : we trust no one until it is too late.

You can find out the truth about someone when you find out what are they willing to lie for.

First lesson

No matter what obstacles you will meet, dear friend, remember that life is not over. It goes only in one direction: forward.

Even if you feel that the whole world collapsed in front and you’re standing on a small cliff looking around in a deep abyss, you have to be aware that you have a contract with life and humanity. You can’t end it when you choose to. There are people that care about you and you cannot afford to be selfish.

Raise your eyes, even if they are tired or cried, raise them and look around you. Nothing had changed, except your perception over the things that are surrounding you.

The only thing that you can do is to accept what happened, understand why it did happened and learn from it.

You have to understand that the only guilt in your disillusions is actually yours and no one else’s.

I had the impression that deception is the only thing that it’s happening to me, but I never dared to look inside myself and understand why. Some of you came and told me: “It is not your fault. He made you suffer; he deceived you and so on…”  And I believed it and moved on with my life, turned the page, but never tried to understand what exactly happened.

Let me tell you that, no matter who you are what nationality you have or where you live, you are the only responsible for your life, decisions and choices. Conclusion: you are the only responsible for your deceptions. How many of us are aware of that?

You will come and say to me: “But he/she betrayed me!” No, my friend, no one betrayed you, except your own mind.

You didn’t look in your own reality or the other person’s, and indulged yourself with the things that made you feel good.

People tell me that this is love. You only see the good things and leave everything else aside, like you’ve been blinded.

Let me remind you that you control your thoughts; your thoughts control your feelings. In the moment that you make the choice of loving and trusting someone, automatic you sign and unseen contract with deception. Why?

Falling in love with someone is the first stage that you get thru and when that euphoric sentiment overwhelms you mind; you tend to attribute perfection to the person in cause. Your mind creates an illusion of something perfect. Things and people are never perfect.

As time gets by, that euphoria disappears and you start to see things that you didn’t saw before. Things that are bothering you and in the same time, scare you. You change your attitude; your feelings are not the same.

You see a different person in front of you and yes, that person usually goes thru the same feelings and questions as you do. In many cases people give up and move on and consume themselves in self-pity: “why did I trust him/her?” find someone else and the story repeats again and again.

When you are in that stage of questioning, you know only one thing: you liked and loved what you saw in the beginning, what you fall in love with. If you are there, you still have feelings. And those feelings can transform themselves in that something that never dies: true love. How to do it is the hard part, but first you have to make sure that you want to do it.

When you decided that you want to, and also have the same response from the other person, you can only do one thing: look at the reality. Balance the good with bad, and learn to accept the bad as it is. What you saw in the beginning is still there; it had never changed, but is not the only thing that exists in a human. Each and every single one of us has the good and the bad in himself. Be willing to make some changes. If you are able to look and accept the other person’s reality and vice-versa, you won one of the most exhausting battles. You can say it out loud: you love the person next to you, and what you have now, will not disappear.

The Promise

On my "to do list" I wrote "call your granny" and "be completely honest".

So I did.
I can't express in words how it felt when I talked with her for about a half hour and I had been more honest with her than I had ever been. What a feeling of completely relief I could had.
Normally when I'm having problems or when I'm dealing with something, when I feel low or upset, or anything negative, I do not phone her. Or even if I do, I hide myself from her, trying to assure that there's nothing to worry about me.
Don't get me wrong, this woman raised me. She was my mother. She's getting old and she knows as well as I do, that her health is not helping her too much or too long from now. I'm afraid that someday, I will get that phone call that will tell me... that she is no more. She needs to know that we are alright, otherwise she will consume herself with worries and regrets that she can do anything for us. Not to mention that any emotional shock - good or bad - can be fatal to her.

So, there I was trying to be as calm as possible and to tell her everything that I feel and how, and why, what is going on with me, trying to keep her calm and make her understand that there's no use for her to get worried, and she told me a little story:

- Sandra, you know that no matter what you ever did I had been always honest with you.I had always been there for you. Can you remember what I always told you when you did something or acted wrong?
I always told you : this is not you! I had always looked into your soul and always told you, this is not who you are!
I've been worried about both of you, I've been happy for both of you, I always had faith in you that you will found yourself and define your soul through actions.You will show the entire world who you are and what a wonderful person you can be. We all do make mistakes, but don't let that to stop you from finding who you are! You are and always had been a good person with a wonderful soul, but you have to find out what to do with that! Same I'm telling your mother, every time I have the chance. You know you grew up very close to me and I talk to you about everything. All my life I had lived for you. For all three of you. Ever since that day when I came home from work and I found the house empty, your aunt gone with her father and your mother crying alone, I lived my live through yours. You know what I did that day?
I ran to my mummy. I ran until I couldn't breath anymore. She was at one of my sisters. I went to her and collapsed with my head into her lap and cried and cried until I had no more tears. She let me to cry until I couldn't anymore, then she took my head and she looked into my eyes and told me:
"-Mariana, remember all your life what I'm gonna tell you now. From this day on, you don't have the right to make any mistakes. You don't have to right not even to die. You have left, one of the girls. From now on, you live for her. And you will see that Geta will return to you, to her mother. Remember this: from now on, you do not have the right, not even to die."
And that's all I did. No matter how hard it was. Geta came to me and I raised both of my daughters by my own and then I raised you. I had lived my life for all of you. Now, I'm old and sick, I'm afraid of death but at least I know that I keep my promise to my mummy. I had lived for all of you.
I always had faith that you will be who you are, how your soul is. I will not give up that faith, not even when my last breath comes.

I was speechless. I couldn't say another word. All I wanted was to collapse into her lap, like she did in her mothers. I realized that this is my purpose. To be better. And I made that promise to me, and to her. To be who she knows I am.

That's my promise to both of us.

Feelings

My brain is completely blocked. Your scent is all around me and is making me dizzy in my own thoughts.

I saw your face. Your eyes were sad and tired. Oh! How I wished to jump into your arms and just remain there. Nothing more. Nothing else. Then I realized if I would, I wouldn't just wanna stay there. I would had wanted to melt in your kiss. And that would had make the things even more awkward, even worse than already, everything is. I wish I could turn back time and just take back everything that made you feel bad, everything that was wrong for you. Everything that killed us, what we were.
All I can do is accept the way things are now. Why everything turned around and try to understand them, once and for all. All I can do is to be better. To be better for me, for my future. Although, I can't not think how much I would like you to see that I am better than what you saw.
I wish I can wipe out all the feelings that now are just... contrasting with what is left, like I did with my floors.
You left. I closed the door behind you, trying to say "bye" although my tears were swallowing my words. I didn't even know if you heard me, I just closed the door and collapsed, crying. After some time there, feeling miserable, lonely and cold, I saw the melted snow from your foot steps... I wished you were still there, with them. At least your presence, if nothing else. I followed them around, without even realizing. I stopped and told myself, "Wake up Cassie, it is over". Took the mop and wiped them out. As I was cleaning your footsteps I started to cry, realizing what I am doing, what I must do. Forget what you made me feel. Wondering if I'll even be able to do that. To wipe my heart, like I did with my floors...?... Will I ever be able to see you, just like a close friend? Will I ever be able to have the appropriate feelings for you being just a friend?
It seems so impossible now... But only time will tell. Only time.

You will tell me to stop feeling sorry for myself and do something for me! Don't say but do!

The even awkwarder thing is that  I don't feel sorry for myself. I realized that I have something to learn from. The problem is that I am sorry for what I did. For what and how I let you feel and see. That's the hardest thing to do. To forgive myself. To forgive my own mistakes.

When you hugged me today I just wished that I could freeze time, there, then.

                                

TO DO

Waking up from the "sleep walking" posture that I was in for months, it's not enough. My "atrophied muscles" need to start working properly again. So how can I do it? For start, I made a list... THE LIST! which it would be better to be SACRED. I did not arrange them in a particular order, just wrote them down to be followed.


THINGS TO DO

* START THE DAY DIFFERENT!
If until now you woke up whenever your body told you that "it's about time"... NO MORE! It's about time to set the alarm clock on "daily" and get up when it rings.
Make the coffee and drink it during the time you check every job possible to get. Until you will finish scanning job sites and sending e-mails with CV you will realize that you just finished your second coffee...

* TAKE A BREAK AND GET OUT!
Go take a shower. Get dressed. Be comfortable and get out of the house for at least 30 min. Doesn't really matter that you just walk a little bit without any purpose, or you go to the market, or corner shop for cigarettes, JUST DO IT! Doesn't matter if it's raining, snowing, or it's a beautiful day. Just go out and enjoy fresh air! Look around, observe places, people on  the street.

* EAT SOMETHING THAT YOU LIKE!
Don't let the hours pass through your day and eat at 8 o'clock a dam yogurt or an apple! Eat something that you like at least until 3 o'clock.

* ANSWER YOUR PHONE CALLS AND E-MAILS
Even if you're not in the mood to talk to that person. Answer the DAM PHONE! Answer to your e-mails, even to those stupid ones. Thank the person who sent them for thinking at you. Thank the person that sent a joke for making you smile.

*SEE A FRIEND!
See someone that you enjoy the company of, at least one a week. Go for a coffee to "catch up", go to theater or a movie together. It doesn't matter if you're just visiting, of they are visiting you, or if you just go for a walk.

*GO IN A PARK
Alone or not. JUST GO at least once a week. Nature is good for your brain.

*SEE YOUR MOTHER
At least once a week visit her, or meet her and talk. Be TRUE to her and tell her what or how you feel ABOUT EVERYTHING!

* CALL YOUR GRANNY
If you don't do it daily, do it at least once at 2-3 days. She needs that! It makes her happy just to hear your voice and to know that you are doing good. It helps her through her health problems and helps her to forget that you are so far away. You never know what advice she might tell you, or when you will  hear her the last time. Tell her that you love her and thank her for everything that she ever taught you.

* PLAY WITH YOUR CAT
She does need care, love and attention the same way that you do. Never forget that she is that soul that is filling your lonely nights. She will never let you down.

* SMILE
Do SMILE all the time, even when things are the worse possible. Smile gives you LIGHT!

* LAUGH
As hard and as much as you can. Is HEALTHY!

* READ!
Instead of watching stupid TV, read a couple of pages from a book. It will improve your imagination, dictionary and knowledge.

* APPRECIATE WHAT YOU HAVE
You will never see what you have if you're keep looking to what is missing. Be thankful for everything live gives you.

* DON'T WASTE YOUR TIME
Or anyone else's. Is the most important thing, don't waste time. Don't let things to be done tomorrow if they can be done today.

* BE COMPLETELY HONEST
Especially to you!

* BE KIND and PATIENT.
Forgive yourself. Any mistake that you did it's a lesson to be learn, use it to learn from it, instead of feeling sorry. Be patient with everything and with yourself. Nothing good comes out of rush.

* ENJOY EVERYTHING THAT YOU DO
If you don't enjoy it, better not do it. When you enjoy doing something you will make it GOOD. Even if sometimes we just have to do something, learn to see the goods parts out of it.

* MAKE SOMEONE SMILE
And do it on daily basics.

* KEEP YOUR "DAY OUT" - DARTS NIGHT
Seeing different people every week improves your "social skills". Talk and listen to them. Learn. Pay attention.

* BE LOYAL
To you. To those that care for you. To things that you like and love.

* LISTEN WHEN SOMEONE TALKS
You are learning something. Someone shares something with you. It makes you see a different perspective over something.

* LISTEN TO MUSIC
Never stop to listen quality music! It's pure medicine.

* LET YOURSELF DREAM
No matter what about. If you don't dream, you can not know what you want to achieve.

* BE HAPPY
Indulge yourself to feel good and to be happy.

* DON'T LET ANYONE TELL YOU WHAT YOU CAN"T DO
Trust in yourself and your dreams.

* DO WHAT YOU SAY THAT YOU WILL DO
Don't give promises that you can not keep. Your word means more than your comfort. Don't rely on anyone else to do things for you.


* At the end of the day, be thankful for everything that happened. Smile once more and admire your efforts.


Anyone can be better if they truly want and they DO MAKE EFFORTS!

Here Kitty kitty.... Isis?!?!?!

What a morning!!!

I got the wake up call in , let's say, an usual manner. I can' forget that I have a cat in the house, not even when I have the sweetest dream or the best sleeping hours.... I sometimes wonder, what's in that cat mind????

"-Hmmmm.... Let's see now.... What can I do today to scare the hell out of my owner.... (pet, human, whatever else but not owner, in a cat's mind)... Oh! I know... I'll jump on her back when she's asleep... She looks just too comfortable... Or.... or.... I'll bite her toe! Yes! yes.... But that's only until she wakes up... What about after???
Hmmmm..... (purring)... I should steal her socks again. She will not think to look..... under...the... SOFA! Yes, perfect!
I should land on the kitchen table when she makes herself that disgusting smelling dark liquid that she likes to drink. That will scare her good enough.... What's that?.... AHA! GOT YA! Oh.... my tail again... (blushing)
What else can I do?.....
Jump on those piles of paper that she looks so focus on them... book I think it is called.... Yes! I know she hates that! Jump on her lap when she's sitting on that weird looking water thing that's next to my litter box.....
Oh! I have to do my fur again.... One moment!.... That's better! Much better!.... What a tough life.. Taking care of her like that... She can't get bored when I'm around. That's my  job!
What about stealing her pen when she writes??? Hmmmm.... Purring.
I'll go play with my ball a little bit... but... which one?.... Ah! The yellow one... I'll make some noise, it's under the bed! I remembered... Her socks!... let's look around... where are those things?... Ah! her boots! Always her boots! She's pushing them into the boots so it makes my job soooo much harder... But I'll get them out. Claws! OK... It's almost out... YES! Now I have to carry it to the sofa and push it under! That's it!....
Oh... I'll better go eat something, I'm tired.....
Where was I?.... Aaaaaah! My fur again!?!.... Perfect now! I should get some sleep, all that hard work and thinking exhausted me.... Purring.

5 min later....

Sooo much better now....  Now, let's see what's on the table.... Up! YES! Wooowww... What is this thing.... Bleah! Ashtray! Aha! There's something that she use all the time.... God! It smells so bad! I hide this! Let's see where.... Hmmmmm.... Aha! Those kitchen carpets... Hard place to find it.... Perfect! That should do it for now.... Oh!... Forgot something! That soft paper roll that's in the litter box room... I can't understand why she gets so annoyed when I use it.... I don't use as much as she does... I just like to play with it... it's easy and soft and I make so many tiny pieces out of it....
I'll see what other ideas will come to me later... for now...is... WAKE UP CALL!!! BANZAAAAIIII!!! YES! Perfect landing! She's awake!...."

- Isis.....

"Ooooo.... I'm in trouble! I'll better get out of here! FAST! Under the bed! Let her 2 min, then... go kiss her nose! She'll like that.... Meow!"

10 min later....

- Isis???? Where's my lighter???? Iiiissiiiiisssssss!!!!! What did you do with the paper roll???? Jezzzz.....

"She calls me I'd better go....and... look curious....then... THE KITCHEN TABLE!!!"....

- Meow?

- Oh, Isis....

"She's on her way to the kitchen.... almost there... yes! don't look back... yes... BOOO!.... perfect landing again...."

- Are you trying to give me a heart attack?

Sometimes I really think that cats can't think of anything else than... "How to give my human a heart attack?"....

Well, at least it's a beautiful morning... Sunny...

BIIIP! Wrong answer!

Things are not going to well, from any point of view I would look at. I do admit it, things are going from bad to worse!
I woke up, FINALLY!, after quite a couple of months. Someone was there to tell me, continuous, that I HAVE to wake up! URGENT! Every time I said YES, I AM. I WILL, like i used to do when granny was trying to wake me up for school.... Bleah! Do I have to wake up??? But why? 5 more minutes, pleeeease! Numerous time, I've been told I'm gonna get burned. Like an idiotic child that I can be sometimes, didn't listen. Not close enough. Not good enough. An entire Telenovela developed... those "little" things that we name... "dramas". Stupid things that shouldn't even exist, they cause so much fucking trouble. They're like the dam particles in a very very very small sand glass.
All what was said it was in my brain like oil on top of water. It was burning my head and became dizzy. The dizziness was actually caused by the fact that my dam period just HAD to come, to make eeeeevrything better. But still, an ugly feeling. Very ugly. And if someone so much dares to tell me that truth does not hurt, I will.... I will tell that person some truth.
Aaaanyway, here I was: an ugly morning, painfully morning in which I manage to get out of bed, and went to think again at everything... on our most "comfortable chair"... My cat, of course, if I am somewhere in the house, she's there (I sometimes even wonder if she's a cat?), was looking at me, being extremely comfortable in the bathroom SINK! Words, facts... everything was spinning in my brain like a washing machine during the draining cycle. Went to wash my hands, face, teeth - normal stuff that normal people do in the morning - of course after I picked up and moved my cat out of the way. She landed on top of the washing machine and just keep staring at me. I turned around and as I was sitting on top of sink, sinking in my own thoughts, I lifted my look and... saw a pair of very grey, tired and faded eyes... I jumped. I stepped back a little bit, and quickly looked behind me. I was thinking, WHO THE HELL AND HOW DID ENTER INTO MY HOUSE???
The cat gave a very strange look - something similar to " ARE YOU NUTS?" - jumped from the top of the washing machine and gave me an very ugly "meow" while she was leaving the bathroom.

- OK, OK, I got you! and started to stare back in the mirror... It was shocking. WHO THE HELL ARE YOU AND WHAT YOU DID WITH ME????

I don't know if anyone had this feeling. That you look at yourself and can not recognize anything you see. Imagine how others look at you and don't get WHO THE HELL ARE YOU? And you still wonder why everything had changed??? Hmmm....

OK. The physical changes I know them. Lost weight, looking like crap - those are the results of consuming myself into "self pity", crying like a hypocrite without understanding anything. At least three times more cigarettes and coffee...no food. I HATE to eat alone, I just hate it! When they are sad some women stuff themselves with chocolate to regain that lost quantity of endorphin, I just can't eat anything. Nothing has taste.Nothing what so ever. What I could not understand was that pair of grey eyes - red and tired with dark rings, wrinkles, lack of any sort of light...

When you are asleep for some time, a couple of months in my case, you should be prepared for some serious changes in absolutely everything that surrounds you. But you can not be prepared. Why? Because when you are in that "state of mind", you think everything is normal, or should be normal according to your "dream".
I got sick for the same disease as everyone else here, SOMNAMBULISM or SLEEP WALKING. Being asleep day and night, doing absolutely nothing else than a "comfortable routine".
What we don't realize when we are that sort of "walking bodies" is how much harm we do. To those close to us, to everybody around us, to any sort of relation with anyone, not to mention how much HARM WE DO TO OURSELVES.
We fall asleep and get comfortable in a illusion, in which we don't think or question anything. We are just reacting if is convenient for us. Accept things as they are and be comfortable. We became controlled by that "inner beast" that we struggle so much to keep under control, under normal circumstances.

And let me tell you that waking up, is so fucking PAINFUL not to mention HARD to achieve. It's unbelievable, unreal what you see. You have the impression that you're in a nightmare that doesn't end but it gets longer and more horrifying by the minute. And because you were asleep for so long, you became so so slow in everything. It's something similar to atrophying muscles. In some cases, it might be already to late to do something about it.

So, here I am trying to figure out how to heal those muscles!

It took me ten times more than usual to see a dam mistake. Ten times longer to see something suspicious, and I only saw it because somebody helped me to. I feel like a bloody handicapped child. I can't see the meaning in a question. I can't see sarcasm... I cry at a joke??? FOR FUCK SAKE....Me??? So, gotta engage brain to exercise, now, or... well... don't wanna be like this for life.

So here I am, writing, taking me three times more than usual to use the right words. To tie a word to another.

Gotta go back to basics, USE IT OR YOU LOSE IT!

Three times longer is better than ten times longer, BUT NOT GOOD ENOUGH!

Feelings

Another cigarette. Another coffee. I can't taste anything else. Candlelight. 3:32 A.M. The Darkness of the night had defeated me, again. Nightmares. Loneliness.

Another memory reminded me, again, that I have tears.
When was the last time when I feel that endearment that I'm longing for, nights, now?

I can't even remember your smile. All I see is... eyes filled with anger. Poisoned words that are hunting me like a pack of wolfs into a freezing winter night.

Another cigarette. Another empty look at the cold and sweated bed. Shivers. Fears.

Snow is still falling. Icicles at my windows... upon my heart. Heavier.

Silence. Night. Terror.


Do I miss you?