Yin & Yang

"There are moments when I miss her so dam much!".... Silence.

A song that brings me a smile. Memories. Moments. Laughs and tears... My yin or yang...


Almost 9 years ago, I found myself getting off a train, in place so busy that people forgot how to smile... Loneliness. Fears. Depression. Moved into "the big city", to be with my mum, and hopping for a better life... Left behind a big noisy family - but funny and loving, many friends, a small city surrounded by hills and mountains, some beautiful lakes and caves that I didn't yet had the chance to explore... Lost in a big crowd. Middle of high school. Everybody and everything that I ever knew was behind, now.
First day at the new school. It was cold and rainy. I remember I was wearing a pair of grey "cargo" pants and an orange sweater. Mum's boyfriend took me to the school. I got into the classroom, and after that embarrassing moment of: "She's Cassandra, your new colleague", I found an empty seat in the back of the class. First hour passed, and got out for a smoke. One of the girls from my classroom started to talk with me. I felt like an outsider, I was one. Then a couple of other girls came around for a smoke... "Can I have a cigarette?"... I had forgotten how things where, if you had cigarettes you were the best friend of everybody!... The next hour went by, the next break.... and sometime that day, I meet Sharon and Raluca.
Days went by and we started to talk more and more. We started to skip classes together and go "The Dubliner" for coffee and darts, and we used to spend entire days there writing poems and crying out our "boyfriends". In an year we basically knew anything about each other, and we were inseparable. Running away from school, from home to go to some book shop, parties, coffee shops and write even more.
Me and Raluca we're sometimes running away from Sharon and go in whatever park and make plans about our future, together of course. How will finish high school and we will move in together, how will our home look like, how will our children, and how we will grow old next to each other. No human on this Earth was to split us apart. Never.
We used to stay on a bench and imagine how we'll be at 70 years old... Our friendship grew so strong, that nothing else mattered anymore. She was there for me when I felt like suicide is my only way out. I was there for her when her father came drunk at home and make her life a living hell. Nothing really mattered, we had each other.
 

I got my first job in Sharon father's pub, as a chef helper... Things went from bad to worse when I found out that my grandfather is dying and requested for time out to go home and see him. I got "No, can't do" for an answer and by the time I got the courage to quit my job, it was too late... I went home anyway, spent the summer there, but Sharon grew colder and almost turn Raluca against me. New school year started and somehow we manage to put the conflict behind us. I got another job, in a pub close to Raluca's place. Got in a huge fight with mum and ran away from home. Raluca got a job, closed to my work place, Sharon left for College in Italy. We used pick each other after work and go out, clubbing and dancing and drinking and having fun. We didn't really care that it was just the two of us. I moved in with my "boyfriend", and by the time the summer ended, started to talk with mum again. Everything was going great, but life is never that simple. Boyfriend was getting jealous on our friendship and I made out a excuse to just ended. I spend the winter holidays with her, telling him that I was going home to my grandmother. We ran away together to Piatra Neamt and had a nice Christmas. Got back to Bucharest at my mothers place, cause they were away, and planned an nice New Years Eve for the two of us. But... I got so sick, that in the "Night of the nights" I was delirious from high fever. She was there for me and cheered the New Year with orange juice, watched Disney Cartoons all night and fall asleep into each others arms, after a strange "laughing for no reason" session.

After a couple of moths I got into another relation and the same jealousy occurred in a couple of months. Somehow he pushed me away from her, and probably for a year we didn't talk. I was missing her, but how to tell her, how to make anything work?

She had changed her phone  number....her e-mail. She moved. She had a new life....

After winter holidays, I found an off-line on messenger from her. I contact and meet her. After a couple of hours of crying and laughing and telling stories... we agreed that never, no matter what, will split us apart again.

The blonde girl with big brown eyes, that I shared everything with! The girl who was my sister, my mother, my lover and my best friend.

"There are moments when I miss her so dam much".... Silence. A tear hided away in the eye corner and a nostalgic smile is on my face.... I sent her a text message. We haven't speak for a couple of weeks now... I miss her....

Life is never the way we want it to be. She had to leave. She left and become that "outsider" that I once was. I know how difficult it is. I know what it means. I'm sometimes afraid that time and distance will simply kill what we have.... But then I see her online and we talk for hours.... we remember our "good times", we laugh, each in front of her computer, alone in a room. Wishing that someday, that empty room will be lighted by her smile...