About MINDS

False premises can only create false problems. 
We usually create them. Out of fear, out of lack of knowledge or understanding. And because they are our own creations we get very "attach" to them, and we always seek for tokens of evidence. If we don't find them, we invent them. If we invent them, we believe them. Apparently we trust, most of all, our minds or better said that "voice" in our minds.


"Unconscious phenomena have been held to include repressed feelings, automatic skills, unacknowledged perceptions, thoughts, habits and automatic reactions, complexes, hidden phobias and desires. Within psychoanalysis the cognitive processes of the unconscious are considered to manifest in dreams in a symbolical form. Thus the unconscious mind can be seen as the source of dreams and automatic thoughts (those that appear without any apparent cause), the repository of forgotten memories (that may still be accessible to consciousness at some later time), and the locus of implicit knowledge (the things that we have learned so well that we do them without thinking).It has been argued that consciousness is influenced by other parts of the mind. These include unconsciousness as a personal habit, being unaware, and intuition."


A self-defense mechanism?! A self-preservation?! 


"Do you know that usually when someone fights with you, you're nothing more than a mirror in front of that person. She/he is not fighting with you, but rather with herself/himself." 


As everything in this world, every action causes a re-action. We are offended by the reaction that we see, but we don't think that we cause it through our actions, and aware of not, (most of the time, not) we still do blame ourselves. Usually the reaction that we cause is nothing else than an extension of ourselves. The reaction should make us see our actions. Unfortunately we only see the other one's reactions and judge them without thinking at our mirror. Our actions are controlled by our thoughts.And controlling our own thoughts and mind, is the hardest thing to do. 

All our lives are a long chain of actions and reactions, in everything that we do. Call it a "vicious circle", if you want. Aware or not, we react to someone's actions, and vice versa. Unfortunately most of the time we let ourselves be driven by unconsciousness. We think and react according to our fears. We create our own truth and we trust in it. 


It's a hard and long battle with yourself, that most of us, refuse to fight. 


Most of the people that I know claim that they are taking that war, but almost all of them stop when they see inside something that they couldn't even imagine about them. They freak out and go back to their truth about themselves. In each and single one of us there is an equality between good and bad. We think about us, that we are just good, because that's what we want to believe, and others around us. When we see the other part, if we see it, most of the time we run away from it. 


If we can not admit it, how can we fight with it?


“The truth will set you free, but first it will piss you off.” 


This is where the hard part comes from around the corner... If we see that bad part in us, we will start to feel guilty, and instead of forgiving our human nature and trying to control it, we throw guilt on the closest person that we have. - It's their fault, they should feel guilty. 
What do we do most of the time? We run away from it. We don't want it. We don't want to learn from it, we don't wanna distort our truth about ourselves. We are too cowards to fight with our own minds. We think it will fade away, it won't. It will only hide for some time in our unconsciousness.

“Facts do not cease to exist because they are ignored.” 

As I said in an earlier post, you can not make it right, not until you forgive yourself. 
In order to forgive yourself you have to accept your HUMAN NATURE. 
Forgiving leads to trust. Trust leads to love.
No matter if it is forgiving yourself or someone else, the results are the same.  

“When I despair, I remember that all through history the way of truth and love have always won. There have been tyrants and murderers, and for a time, they can seem invincible, but in the end, they always fall. Think of it-always.” 

Truth About Love

Love.
Love is cruel. Is risky. Is dangerous. Is sneaky. Is sorrow.
Love is beautiful. Is self sufficient. Is happiness. Is kind. Is understanding. Is forgiveness.


The greatest danger that you will encounter in this endless quest for love, is that you tend to lose yourself.Can you risk that? Are you willing to give yourself up just to feel the touch of love? Are you willing to give yourself up just for some moments of perfection?
Think hard. It's not an easy answer, and to answer this question you have to have the power to analyze yourself.


Every time, we say yes! And we start to lose ourselves in it, we love how we feel in the beginning, we embrace everything.... Later on we freak out because of something happened, we go back in past and start to make parallels with the present, and start to run away, unaware of that retreat, most of the time.



“When you stop expecting people to be perfect, you can like them for who they are.” 


Most of us, run our full lives, hiding from relation to relation, thinking that it was a fail, because of that and that and that. Did any of us, looked deep inside to see the real reason? The real fear?


Every single one of us is afraid to give up himself, if we do, we do it just up to a point. Everyone is afraid that will get hurt and will meet those other faces of love : sorrow, sadness, loneliness and aware of not, we go into retreat. 


"The first cut is the deepest" is true. Very few people among us had healed or manage to deal with that first cut. We hide ourselves and say that we did. The scar was always there in the shadows of our minds : THE FEAR OF HAPPENING AGAIN! and we get drowned in that fear.
Unfortunately for some, that fear of getting hurt again at that level, does nothing else than to make us stop believing is the most powerful force of Universe : LOVE. We want to believe in it, but we are not ready to face those shadows. We are not brave enough to confront ourselves and our own fears. Why? Because we never healed from the beginning.
The closer that we think we get to that point, the more scared we get and the hardest part is that we don't even see it or admit it.

“No persons are more frequently wrong, than those who will not admit they are wrong.” 

We are afraid of letting ourselves go and in the same time we are afraid to be US. To fight with US. To live with US.
We are weak and look for comfort and happiness into another person and that happens only because we are too afraid to look into ourselves, to look at our wounds. We are afraid to be who we are, because others judge us. We want to be what people want to see and we forget who we really are because we want to be next to them. And we think that being someone that we think they like, it's best. That it will protect us. It never is like that. 
Love changes us. We do stupid things and judge premature, most of the times because we are afraid of being hurt.


Do not forget that no matter how strong you might be or think you are, we all need love and affection. 


1st step in healing is FORGIVING YOURSELF! Most of us think : Oh! It was my fault I got too blinded, I shouldn't had done that or that. I should had been more careful.... The truth is, you are were you are now, because of all the things that happened to you. Do you know where you are? Are you content with yourself? Do you know where do you have to work to make you work? If you do, why look at the half empty glass? It's always a half full, also. 
You must forgive yourself for the mistakes that you did. If you don't forget yourself, you will repeat them no matter how hard you will try not to. You have to make peace with yourself in order to make peace with someone else.
Every obstacle is an opportunity to learn something. You fucked up once, you tried a different angle but still fucked up? And again and again, you got "n" chances and still fucked up? That is because you started to feel overwhelmed by guilt and lost the confidence that you can make it right. Forgive yourself and then try again. When you forgive yourself, you see things different. You will see the right angle and you will be able to take to good path.
You can't love without forgiveness. You can't love without trust. 


In order to love yourself, you have to trust in yourself. You can't do that without forgiving yourself. 

The Unknown... or Known????

How can we live in a country where health & medical system are just some freakin' words in some dictionary or people language????

I am pissed off about this for a long long time, but just didn't got the chance to get really fucked off and put the god dam words together....

I have two examples for you, both of them let's say, very important to me.

1. I have been raised by my grandmother which I love with all my heart. The woman that give her life away just to raise my mum, her sister, and later on... me. The kind of woman that does nothing else than constantly worries about "her girls". Family comes 1st was what I always seen and heard from her. She was capable, and in many occasions did so, took her share of food, or piece of "something nice" and split it between her girls. As she was sort of a single mum, she could be capable of eating nothing than bread, just to see her girls in school or enjoying a piece of chocolate.... and believe me, when I say, she did so. Who wasn't here in the '80, would have no clue what the fuck am I talking about. 

All her life she did nothing else than thinking at us. A few years ago, when she was about 65, health already declining, she decided that she's going to Switzerland to work, cause she wanted to refurnish her home and leave a nice place for us to meet after she'll be no more. 

I remember I went to Resita that time and the door was blocked. I had keys but they were not working. I rang the door bell, phones... everything. I started to panic, cause I knew she never had a deep sleep in her life. I went to the nearest hotel and booked for the night (there were about 2 of them, those days in town). The next morning I went back to my granny's house... My aunt showed up and told me that she left in Switzerland. I got MAD! How the fuck no one could convince her to just stay home??? We don't need a nice home after she's gone, we need HER!!! I was angry, pissed off in a way that took me years to forgot.

She came back after about 3 months. And she started to feel from bad to worse. Her skin was deteriorating so fast that no one knew what the hell it is or what we can do. Painful nights, her body covered in injuries, bones pain, heart problems and so on. 

We started to seek for doctors and did all the imaginable tests possible. One came with the idea of skin cancer, another one with.... I can not even remember how many things they said it is and none was. Nothing was helping her. Nothing was easing her pain. After more than 2 years of treatments and wrong diagnostics, we found a "OK" doctor in Timisoara. He managed to explain what is wrong with her, what's going on and started to improve a little bit, even. After another year, she went to the pharmacy and asked the pharmacist if he can give her something to ease the itchiness of the skin. She showed him a piece of skin and the guy gave her some cream. In less than 3 months her skin was healed almost completely. 

That is the moment when my rage started to show : HOW THE FUCK you spend shit loads of money on doctors (I think we all know, that if you don't show up with an envelope with money - no one would even look at you) and treatments for years... you do tests that you don't even imagine they exists, you buy expensive medicines that you don't afford - you take bread from your mouth for fucking pills - and you get the cure after years from a pharmacist that just took a look at your injury????? Please tell me how the fuck is that possible??? 

That was a rhetoric question. How is that possible? WE LIVE IN ROMANIA! 

Here no one gives a shit about anyone else as long as they don't need anything or as long as they are OK. 

"Oh! We're sorry we can't do anything more!" - Translation - "We're sorry, but we are too lazy to think at someone else!"

Someone is telling me this for some time now, but I refused to believe it, I still have problems not looking that it might not be that dark : Words are the 1st currency of  Romania. No one does anything. And if they say they will, they will not but they will tell you : "I'm sorry, I tried"

SORRY - had became the most meaningless word in Romania. It's empty! 

Going back to my granny... 

For about 2 years now, she has a different doctor that she goes to see in Timisoara. This April she went to see him, did some tests, all those check ups to see how the treatment works.... and so on... For more than a year, she has problems with infections. She can not get rid of them, no matter what, basically her immune system started to shut down because all the antibiotics that she was stuffed with for years. She has a pneumonia for more than 5 months, and no treatment helped. So the guy sent her to another hospital, to see a lung specialist. He did some test... and he sent her home with a prescription for medicine that she could not even find, not to mention the direction to the specific pharmacies where to get them and so on, or the price of them. Then the guy calls in my aunt, which was with her, and tells her that she's "evolving" towards lung cancer, but make sure she takes  that and that and that and we see how she is in a month.

Now, I don't have much experience and I do love watching House M.D. - too bad is over - but serious? You don't confirm your diagnostic before treatment????? 

Here... everybody is a test rat, so doctors can get their fees from pharmacy's that they "work" with.... The more expensive are the medicines, the more they want to sell ... well ... intermediate... You know what I mean... Get something out of it, who the fuck cares that MAYBE, just MAYBE those pills will do more wrong than good...

2. My mum. Not the typical mum that anyone can have and I will not go into details. She's not a smoker, not a drinker, not a junkie, not someone with sleepless nights, takes care of her diet and so on. She's starting to feel bad. Blood pressure up to the freakin' roof, vomiting, collapsing.

So? What do you do in cases like this? 

What every normal human does : CALL THE AMBULANCE. 

What do you do when the ambulance doesn't show up in an hour, when you are in the fucking city center of an European capital called Bucharest? You call again.... Let me tell you, that it's better to jump in a taxi and go straight to Hospital. The ambulance might show up at the 3rd call, after 2-3 hours, or at all. In which case... pray it's nothing too serious... or you're fucked. 

Basically.... Don't even DARE to get sick while you are in Romania.

1. Ambulance service is SHIT. You might as well be dead, by the time they show up. - or check internet for a private one - they cost so, you might get lucky and get one faster.

2. Every doctor has a different opinion. Every doctor sees what he thinks is in his best interest. Do not rely on them. Go and see 10 others, and then judge what is more closer to the truth.

3. Do not dare to go see a doctor without that "envelope" - SPAGA, MITA - in romanian words, in case you do there are 3 options : 

a. Everybody will act like you are invisible or if you are seen, you'll be treated exactly how they act with someone that they owe money to - send you from one to another. 

b.You'll be treated like a rat - well, you do anyway, but you might be one of the more "valuable" ones, depends of how thick is that envelope.

c. Eventually you'll feel even worse and you'll discover new symptoms - not because your disease is evolving but because you got stuck with something else too.

4. Hospitals???? HA - Stay home, you're safer! 

5. Be aware of pills. READ the prospect before using them, even if your doctor told you "THOSE WILL HEAL YOU".

“Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.” 

ALIVE!

Thank those who managed to dragged me out of the house these days :) And, no, I will not give any names, they know who they are ;)

I think I kinda' forgotten how good it is to be OUT & ALIVE. To see familiar faces. To have a drink or two, to throw some darts. To listen to some good music, even dance a little. To enjoy and laugh. To be a little happy. Jezzzz.... It's the touch of life! ;)

Even if I got home without my phone, which I really really liked and the morning was painful as Hell... ;))

“One good thing about music, when it hits you, you feel no pain.”  - Bob Marley. 

It's NOW or NEVER!

Thoughts, sadness, anger.... Yes, I always write what I feel. It helps me.
Some people read, some don't. Some care, some find their own answers.
This is how after a Hell lot of years I had a chat with, let's say, someone that I know since the time of sweet high school.Yeah! Those times when I was living in the same house with my mother and I was willing to do anything to just, get away from home.
I started to remember how I used to be.
That REBEL kiddo' jumping off the window to go places and do things. Mountains or sea side, didn't really matter as long I was feeling the wind through my hair. I was madly in love with adventure.
I remember places. Music. Camping in the heart of the mountains, chilly nights, starry nights..... and a whole lot more. I remember skipping school just run away, just to go to "the pub" to write. I even remember some of my poems.
"The rock chick", the rebel that used to say FUCK OFF, this is my life and I wanna live it! The one that took her own decisions and didn't care too much about a broken heart, but moved on. The one that had the courage to say : ENOUGH when I considered it.

Years passed by, and slowly I started to forget that spirit. I started to forget the feeling of being FREE. I started to forget that I have a "pair of wings". I broken them in time. No one asked me to do it, but somehow I did it.
Even if now I'm accused of thinking only at myself, I stopped doing that long time ago. I became waaaay to DOMESTIC and "killing" me did nothing than make people wonder : WHO AM I????
Looking at all those, I blame no one, but me. No one asked me to do nothing for me and I do not think anyone had ever aspect it either. I lost myself. I lost my courage, my independence, my aggression, my freedom. And I did it to myself. I hung myself to feelings and forgot to also use my rationality. I thought that I do not need ME as long as I have HIM. I had dig my own hole.

Now the biggest challenge is.... HOW THE FUCK I'M GETTING ME BACK???

Sure as Hell I have to stop doing the things that I am doing now. Most of them, anyway. I looked at the wrong angles and was to afraid that, yes, doing that or that, will make me lose him, but no matter what I tried to do, I didn't got me back. And we both wanted that.

I became what I thought the man next to me will like to have and forgot my own personality on the way. I forgot was he liked in the 1st place.

I never needed anyone to make decisions for me or take care of me. I always learned my way without anybody else showing it to me. And because someone did, I, yes, admit it, became LAZY.

I used to be the joy of those around me, I became waaaaay to god'dam domestic. ENOUGH!!!

“I'm a little selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best.” 

Those freakin' 5 stages

1. Denial.
2. Anger.
3. Bargaining.
4. Depression.
5. Acceptance.

They say that those are the 5 stages of grief. To lose someone doesn't necessarily mean to.... die. And until you heal, the first 4 of those stages will probably mix and you'll pass one of them, you'll come back to another one. For some might take days, weeks, even more. For some can be a question of minutes, hours. We all are unique.

1. DENIAL - No fucking way, this is not happening to me. Things will be OK. Things will sort out. Everybody will see that. He will eventually see that he's wrong.
Nothing makes any sense to us. We become overwhelmed.Our brain is bombed with questions. We try to find a way to go through each day. We are walking bodies with a brain stuck in the world of  "NO". After some time you start to answer yourself to questions and on the way doing that you're feelings denied by then, start to come to surface. You begin to heal.

2. ANGER - Why??? What reasons? Why no one can see? A stage of  mixed feelings. Anger, pain, abandon. With every question that you ask yourself, you feel more and more anger and it feels endless. You start to see things that they were not necessarily there, but you see them and you feel like your blood is boiling every time you think about it. Your heart beats faster, your body is filling with adrenaline. You turn against everybody. You seek for imaginary answers. As anger grows your rationality fades away.

3. BARGAINING - What if???? If only....You try to seek ways to change the situation.Finding a way is all you can think about.
"When there's a will, there's a way" - is the only thing that you see. You don't see that maybe you finding a way, might not be enough.

4. DEPRESSION - Why go on at all? I can't do this... What's the point of going alone??? Emptiness, loneliness, sadness. Missing.
Those sleepless nights, those days with no hunger, no thirst, no will, no purpose. All you do is think at the other person. What you used to do together. How good it was. How happy you used to be. How empty is the bed now. How cold you feel at nights. Food has no taste, or even worse, it makes you sick. You feel lonely, and you don't wanna see anyone. No one else than the one you lost, matters. You can't do anything without missing that someone.

5. ACCEPTANCE - We learn to accept reality. That someone is gone. We are on own now. After the "grief" had it's needed time, we do eventually move on. We start to live again. We start to take control over our own mind and learn to live with our loss.

....

“When someone cries so hard that it hurts their throat, it is out of frustration or knowing that no matter what you can do or attempt to do can change the situation. When you feel like you need to cry, when you want to just get it out, relieve some of the pressure from the inside - that is true pain. Because no matter how hard you try or how bad you want to, you can't. That pain just stays in place. Then, if you are lucky, one small tear may escape from those eyes that water constantly. That one tear, that tiny, salty, droplet of moisture is a means of escape. Although it's just a small tear, it is the heaviest thing in the world. And it doesn't do a damn thing to fix anything.”

Sometimes I wish I couldn't feel at all, anything at all. I wish in these moments that I was never born, that I had never meet you, I would had never knew you or fall in love with you... It's sounds bad, I know. It's sounds childish and mean and I stop thinking at the most important things : it happened, deal with it, learn from it.

Whoever loved true enough and knows that could have given more or try harder, would be able to tell in details what I feel. 

Yesterday I wanted to be able to scream my lungs out, today I wish I couldn't use them anymore. 

Food doesn't exist anymore, water is disgusting, nights are empty and emptier, dreams are scarier or too sweet to be dreamed. Your face, our memories, places, moments are hunting me and feels like I have no escape. They show no mercy. 

The things that use to bring a smile to me, the things that I cherished the most, the things that I loved to look at every time and think about them, suddenly, all became, my worst enemy. In these moments I wish I had the power to lock them away and trow the key as far as I can trow anything. Some people do that. Some people are able to concentrate on something that was bad or wrong or imagine something to degenerate the good feelings, they let themselves overwhelmed by hate and anger. I think that the only result of that is to make yourself uglier and eventually become what you think of. If you let your soul to be drowned in hate and anger, then you will have nothing else to give, than that. I don't want to become like that. It's a longer path and much harder, but is the only right thing to do.

"Remember, what you think of, will expand."

A permanent battle with yourself. You think at bad, then you think at good, you get angry then you cry out of sadness. You wish you could show it once more, you wish to be able to do it right, but in the same time you know, you shouldn't. You wanna talk with them, you wanna explain, you wanna call, you send a sign... well, you shouldn't. If you decided, that letting go, is what you should do, don't do it. 

It's so hard.... cause you wanna hear that voice again, you wanna see those eyes, that face, feel that touch, that kiss, that hug.... You wanna do anything humanly possible to make them see that your actions were never bad intentions. You wanna make them believe the opposite of what they do. You want to be certain that they know how much you love them, but you will only cause annoyance and pain. Don't chain the person that you love.

“Why is there ever this perverse cruelty in humankind, that makes us hurt most those we love best?” 

If you truly want that, if you truly love, just.... let go. Do what you have to do, what you should have done, time ago. Hope that one day, that person will see how much you loved, but don't wait for that to happen. 

If you truly love that other person, respect the decision that they made. Don't try to change it. 

“The unending paradox is that we do learn through pain.” 

I can't even listen to music without crying, I haven't kept not even a song that I loved for me, I shared all my little knowledge. I can't watch anything without thinking that : we should watch it together. Everything is just a to painful reminder of him. Everything turned into a memory that hurts. We did so many things together, so many simple things... that now, I am unable to do them. They hurt too much.

A cup of coffee in the morning, a piece of toast, a glass of juice, a walk, a song, a movie, a glass of wine, a piece of cheese, a bath, History channel, looking at the sky, watering the plants, even sleep.... they all just hurt too much now. Everything that used to bring pleasure in my life from all time, and I shared them with him, have become my burden. 

If it be your will

“We waste time looking for the perfect lover, instead of creating the perfect love.”

"Whenever you're hurt, ask yourself this question : what will love do?" - I was told one day by a man who looked deep into my eyes and saw what I didn't want to tell. I blushed and hugged him, and moved on.

I'm sitting in front of my laptop and don't wanna see anyone, don't wanna do anything. I wish I could scream my lungs out, but I know it will not help me, or anyone else. The only thing that I can do is be patient for all to slowly fade away. 

"Go feel sorry for yourself" he told me. 

I'm not sorry for myself, but I am sorry that sometimes people do not see the obvious. I am sorry that sometimes the simplest answer is ignored and replaced with scripts that even to a writer would be hard to put together. I am sorry that trust had faded away. I am sorry that I failed to show more of my feelings. I am not a very rational person. I was always more emotional than rational. Judge however you want this statement. 

Maybe you will say I am weak, I don't care. I know I am a lot stronger than I look, I always was.

I do have the strength to look at myself and see where I was wrong, where I made a mistake, why and what I should had done. I do have the strength to look at myself and admit when I am wrong. I do have the strength to face the suffering without running or hiding from it. I always had the strength to rebuild what was ruined and start again every time I was down, and all those are facts. I always had to strength to forgive.

"Forgiveness is an act of self love."

What I always failed to do was to say "NO" even if sometimes I should had. I forgiven when I should had punish. I loved when I should had been indifferent. I was unable to stand up for myself when I had a way to ignore or be kind. I always looked for the truth even if that costed me more than I was willing to pay. I made hasty decisions and acted reckless many times. I always looked for love and those simple things that can create something special out of almost nothing. And when I found them, or thought I did, all I wanted was to hold on to them but didn't realize that wanting to hold them will make me lose them.

I gave what I had, many times nothing more than moments or feelings.I gave me and all my heart. I have nothing else. I failed to look after myself when I had the opportunity to just enjoy you. 

Sometimes is just not enough, isn't it? Or maybe is too much to be accepted or seen. 

If all those make a bad person, so be it, cause everybody sees what they want or what others show them, and believe what they chose to, right?

If all those make me a looser, so be it. I don't feel like one. I feel that I'm alive and I have the ability to love, which can't be said about many people.

I still have a lot to learn, I don't deny that. We all do.

“The heart has its reasons which reason knows not.” 

Days without purpose

“It hurts to let go. Sometimes it seems the harder you try to hold on to something or someone the more it wants to get away. You feel like some kind of criminal for having felt, for having wanted. For having wanted to be wanted. It confuses you, because you think that your feelings were wrong and it makes you feel so small because it's so hard to keep it inside when you let it out and it doesn't coma back. You're left so alone that you can't explain. Damn, there's nothing like that, is there? I've been there and you have too. You're nodding your head.”

Sometimes letting go is the only good thing that you can do. It's never is easy on you. It's the hardest and the most bitter part of your life, but at the end of your suffering you will see that any other attempt of doing anything else, would have fail. Sometimes self sacrifice is better that you can imagine. 

Why try to keep someone close to you, when that someone only wants to be some place else??? It makes you both miserable and life goes by without any meaning. That is not love, that is selfishness. 

Sometimes it's better to suffer now,rather than waking up one morning old and alone, even if that someone is sleeping next to you. If you get to that point it means you not only wasted your life, but also the life of that someone next to you. And in most cases someone being next to you, doesn't necessarily means you're together. 

It's scary. It's not hard but it's the harder thing to do. Prepare yourself for sleepless nights, for food without taste, drink without the ability to kill your thirst. Prepare yourself for loneliness and pain. For fears and tears. For memories that will invade your brain and you will be unable to chase them away.... You will feel empty, consumed, angry, insecure, alone, hurt, broken in thousands of pieces, without purpose, sad.... But all of those will eventually pass... and after all is over, you will feel the touch of freedom, because you did something good for someone else and for you. For that someone that you still love. If it is love, that feeling of missing will never disappear. The love will not go away, but you will learn to accept them as part of you. You will learn to live with them.

“I have found the paradox, that if you love until it hurts, there can be no more hurt, only more love.” 

“There is always some madness in love. But there is also always some reason in madness.”

Non, rien de rien

“You've gotta dance like there's nobody watching,

  Love like you'll never be hurt,
  Sing like there's nobody listening,
 And live like it's heaven on earth.”

Life is never what we expect or want to be. Life is just how we make it. 

I once said that we are nothing else that an endless series of our choices. The facts that you chose to do define you as the human being that you are. 

I chose to let myself go, even if  I knew I might get hurt. I chose to love even if I knew my heart could be broken in pieces again. I made mistakes, I was reckless many times. I didn't stopped to think when I should had. Sometimes  I  chose the easier path, when I felt uncomfortable. I chose to react instead of think. Or think too much when I should had reacted. But on top of all those, I love him with all my heart and never thought there could be someone else to replace him, not even for a second. I felt stupid and hypocrite when I made him feel bad or uncomfortable. I cried countless nights when I knew I made him angry or annoyed...  

I am accused that everything that I do is for me. Maybe it is. I wanted the man next to me because I love him, and many times I acted reckless because I thought is the best way to keep him close to me. I was angry many times, I was frustrated many times.... and made the wrong choice to share them, when I should had let the time to show the truth. When I should had stepped back and look better. I didn't in many occasions.  Even in doubt, instead of looking at the time to show it, I chose to question and look for proofs. I thought telling him what I feel and how, about things, will help or make him think that I am also just human. I thought that when you love someone, you also try to understand that person and accept him/her as they are. 

I've been told that it was something that he liked about me : soul and brain.

Now I have a question...  

Is your soul changing when you make a reckless thing?  Does the way you think changes when make a bad call? 

I've been told that he is different, he showed me in many ways.
"Everything here is about what other people think. I don't give a crap about them."... I actually believed him, but he didn't mean it. The image in other people's eyes, is apparently everything that matters in this world.

I tried to change everything that he told me it's bothering him, I failed over one aspect...

I believed for so long that I can make him happy. 

Now I know... the only way to do that...  is... just to let go.

Unfortunately, love is never enough. 

“Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened.” 

- it means you're alive and you are able to feel. It makes you human.

If I regret something is just the fact that, I wasn't good enough.

Non, rien de rien, non je ne regrette rien,

Ni le bien qu’on m’a fait, ni le mal, tout ça m’est bien égal.

Non, rien de rien, non je ne regrette rien.

C’est payé, balayé, oublié, je me fous de passé.

Avec mes souvenirs, j’ai allumé le feu,

Mes chagrins, mes plaisirs, je n’ai plus besoin d’eux.

Balayés les amours avec leurs trémolos,

Balayés pour toujours, je repars à zéro.

Non, rien de rien, non je ne regrette rien,

Ni le bien qu’on m’a fait, ni le mal, tout ça m’est bien égal.

Non, rien de rien, non je ne regrette rien.

C’est payé, balayé, oublié, je me fous de passé.

Car ma vie, car mes joies, aujourd’hui, ça commence avec toï.

Addiction

"Curiosity killed the cat."

Believe it or not, it is a fact.
I feel it again.

Sometimes, I guess I just don't realize what my addiction about knowing the truth, costs me.

Ah, yes, knowing the truth.... Let me tell you, that it is a destructive disease that will hunt you down and take away everything that you love and care about. You think, in your naivety, that the truth is the Absolute, the only thing that sets you free, the only thing that matters in your existence. Well... Let me tell you, that we are NEVER ready to pay the price for it, that is because, always, the price of it is everything that you hold dear to.
"Everybody lies." - it's a fact.
"Sometimes we lie to protect the people that we care about" - I was told by the man that was the whole of my life.
He showed me so many times that he is different, that he cares, that he loves me, that he wants us. Than, something happened and he managed to hurt me deeply. So deeply that I started to question everything that I had. I just wanted to ignore the fact, and think that he will never do anything to hurt me, ever.
But, since then... all my life seemed to change. A long and exhausting battle took over me. In one minute I was thinking at the great man that I love and I had next to me, and in the next moment, black thoughts and fears were controlling me. I was doing everything that I humanly could to chase away those black thoughts. To believe what he showed me. To ignore a mistake. To believe he will not do what everybody else did.
A battle that is long and on all fronts.
You start to see things that are not there. You imagine the worse, although you know it is not true. You live in fear and doubt, although you have no reason to, and you know it.
You want to be reassured, you look for proofs to show you that you are wrong. You want the truth as a proof so you can end that exhausting battle faster and easier. You want the easy way.
And instead of doing what you should do, instead of letting the time to pass by and chill things and clear your vision.... you look for proofs. And when you do eventually find the truth, you realize that the price you will pay for it, is something that you will never be willing to pay. But it's too late for remorse now, you already have to pay it up.
I wanted to KNOW, I wanted to see, I needed proof and all I did, was to lose the dearest thing that I had : the person that I love and foolishly believed that he would want to hurt me. I looked for a proof, that I didn't need. I had all of them in front of my eyes, but I was blind.

Under normal circumstances, when someone asks me a stupid question I react and respond with sarcasm and consider that person a too bigger idiot to bother.... When my brain was bombed by thoughts and fears... I could't react, I stopped thinking and let myself go into panic. "I need the truth!" - that's all I could think. I didn't stop to think that asking him the truth might cause anger, I didn't care. All I wanted was to KNOW. To end that battle. To rest. I didn't think that asking him, under the control of adrenaline that was flooding me, would hurt his feelings after all that he did to show me opposite... I just NEEDED TO KNOW. I didn't think to look around me, at everything he already gave. I wanted truth.

Maybe, indeed, I acted selfish.

I wanted to end the battle and put an end to the nightmares that are consuming me, every night, since then.

But unfortunately this is how we are : we trust no one until it is too late.

You can find out the truth about someone when you find out what are they willing to lie for.