October...

Autumn... Rainy days. Cloudy days. Nostalgia. Melancholia... Maybe.
Everybody seems to act strange on these days. You can feel the winter coming. There's no more dust in the air. What to do when you feel like don't wanna leave the bed heat? What do we do during autumn?

Spring is the time when we want to go outside, anywhere, just to feel the Sun getting hotter every day. We love to watch the flowers bloom and the trees getting greener. We love to hear the little birds happy songs. We just love to see that life is coming back. It gives us new energies, bigger appetite for living. We hide away our winter clothes and we are looking forward to Summer.
Summer Holidays. Sea. Mountains full of life, covered in the most beautiful green blanket of forests. We enjoy walks in the park or over the seashore. We go out even more. Bars, clubs, you name it! Dancing or just showing off, summer is the best time for everything. Holidays. Sleepless nights.
Autumn? A cold wake up to Reality. Time for holidays is over. Work. School. Rain. Colder and colder every day. Memories. Killing life.We don't really have a lot of pleasure for anything...

I don't know if it has anything to do with the fact that I was born in October, but I absolutely love it. If it's raining and it's cold... I love to take a cup of hot tea or coffee, get cozy in front of my computer with a blanket wrapped around me, light up some candles and some incense sticks... My kitty in my lap purring. Good music.Memories. Just love to let myself get lost in memories and unforgettable moments. I just know that at the right moment I will want to start to write.
I love to get cozy into the arms of that someone... Watch a good movie and enjoy a good glass of wine. Listen to the rain knocking in the bedroom windows, being exhausted by love. Talk... Fall asleep into those arms and the sound of beating heart.
Sometimes Sun shines in the autumn. Take a walk in the park. Look and contemplate at the enormous diversity of colors. I love to hear and feel the oak leaves rustling under my footsteps. Watch the sun sets over a rusty forest... or over a lake covered with fallen leaves... Just walk, hand in hand.... sunny or rainy....

Yes, I'm nostalgic... melancholic... or call me romantic... But I think Autumn is a great time to enjoy small and simple things. It's a great time to remember that everything is ephemeral and we should pay more attention to everything. With that nature last struggle we should realize that life is just too short for any regrets, envy, hate or false values.

"Autumn is a second spring when every leaf is a flower." - Albert Camus

Species

Friendship without trust in just like a lily without perfume.

Yeah... I know, most of the time I'm on the men's side but.... I think it's about time to talk a little bit about the other species : MAN.

Why do I hold against women? Well, usually because I am one, and because of us, men treats us as they do. They figure, if it works with one, they can try with the next one...and the next one, and so on. Because of that mentality, we are all in the same pot of stew. So are men. Guys don't forget, that exactly the way you think : "I'm not like the other jerks around"or "All women are the same.", we tend to do the same. The fact is, that yes, as a species we have things in common, but never an individual is identical with another one - mind, body, spirit.

"All men are pigs." - Hell ya, guys, no offence, but you are. And is not because of you. It's because of your "hunter" instinct and some other damages in the brain. You tend to simplify things, we complicate them. The main cause in that statement is actually women's fault for forgiving anything. I had a couple of discussions about that with many men and very few of them are actually appreciating woman, as a human being. The fault for what's going on in today's world is on both sides. Men think if two or three are acting the same, all of us out there are the same. Women think if a man went cheating, all will do the same. (99.9% of you out there, do it), so do women. But why?

One of the reasons : Women take away the "hunting" spirit of the man, by giving them everything, any time they want. That's women's fear of being dumped : "If I don't, he will go some place else". For some time, will work, but men will get bored at some point and because they are a pack animal, they need to prove themselves better. They need to be reassured that they can still hunt. They need to constantly prove themselves in the pack. They suffer from "youth nostalgia"... Are they still in shape to pick up a 20 years old girl? And if they do... can go further? And if a man can do that, he will think that his woman is doing the same or vice - versa! When it comes to women.... Since men has no interest in "proving" himself in front of his woman - HE ALREADY RECEIVES WHAT HE WANTS UNCONDITIONALLY, flowers will stop coming, compliments will stop, sweet little gestures will disappear like they were just a nice dream... Woman will slide down to depression, looking herself in the mirror more and more and  will become absolutely depressed when she finds another wrinkle or more cellulite - NORMAL THINGS FOR AGING...  And as soon as someone else will tell her how beautiful she looks today, she will melt down like snow in the Spring. Conclusion : EVERYBODY NEEDS REASSURANCE! But instead of trying to find that in the person next to us, we're looking forward and trow away what we have. We forget the reasons that we were there in the first place. We can't see the good parts anymore. We only see mistakes and we judge them, without looking at ourselves and realizing that every gesture that we make it affects the other persons behavior... we stopped caring about that. We become lazy and stop communicating. We loose courage. We loose the courage to love. To love means to overcome the fear of being completely vulnerable in front of the other person. We lose the courage to be friends with the person next to us, and we treat her/him as a property or as a potential danger.
The guilt is on both sides of the camp. Women are too indulgent. Men just do whatever the fuck they want because we indulge that. And VICE-VERSA! It works both ways.
A very good friend of mine told me, in a discussion last night, that the only fault is upon men. His statement was... "We, as men had created the behavior of modern women.... If we fuck up, we go home and ask for apologize accompanied with something that he know the woman in cause will never refuse.... "Honey, isn't it that you will forgive me if I buy you that nice dress that you admired last week and we go for a week-end in Paris?" - more or less. Women are weak are guess what.... Women will forgive. And the story will go on and on....

Don't tell me that you're not MANIPULATIVE BASTARDS, sometimes even more than women are.

My mother has a very interesting and unorthodox saying about men's behavior : "Undress cause I wanna fuck you, get dressed cause I don't wanna fuck you..." You know what, she is so dam right. Can you make up your mind????
Women dreamed of being equal with men. They always failed. We can't be equal. We think and act different. When you as a woman act the way you are - maybe a bit fucked up or just different by nature - at first you are appreciated... then your man tells you, pissed off, that he would like for you to act like an equal...You try to understand what he wants and try to act like it... then he's pissed off, cause you just have to have a reason behind that changed behavior, you have a plan.... Is it so dam hard to believe that a woman can be in love? Is it so dam hard to believe that a woman can love another human being??? That she can actually care about someone else?

Usually men feel guilt only after they done something really really bad, except that, they will found an excuse for everything that is "not normal" in their behavior : "I'm tired", "I'm stressed", "It's your fault".Women will forgive and try to understand them instead of getting pissed off and punish them. He has been a jerk, cut the dam access to his happiness, be pissed off. Men don't understand the meaning of guilt until they are persecuted. And if they don't... why should women? Right?.... He will be rude and hurt her, she might get angry and scream at him or will slide doors. The problem is that in a half of hour, she will come back and hug him.... And what does the idiot do? He will push her away and overwhelm her with HIS guilt of being a total asshole. It's her fault... STAY PISSED OFF! We allow men to offend us and because we are the "good christian" we turn the other cheek for some more. They will eventually come to their minds, and will fuck up again... Will makes us hurt, will offend us, they will cheat, they will act like they know best : HEY! The MAN is the HEAD of the family, right? Does that gives him the right to be a total asshole???

Because of today's generation, women have no value in the eyes of men. We are just a piece of meat, that they can do whatever the hell they want with. It's our fault, we allow them.

We love and we indulge them to hurt us, because HEY! the Bible says, we HAVE to forgive. We HAVE to turn the other cheek for some more shit...

Women has become nothing more than MEN's PROPERTY! Men's toy. A thrown away boring toy. Men will be boys forever. No matter how successful they are, how they managed to "rise from the ashes", how they manage to build an entire empire...they will run away eating the dust behind them when it comes to be responsible with the woman they CHOOSE as a companion. They will always found guilt in her, and none in them. They prefer to look at her as a POTENTIAL DANGER than to be loving and understanding like she is with them. Guys.... COWARD is the best way to describe you. What's the point of fighting to understand something when you can just walk away, more easily?? Oh! I forgot! You've been deceived before by so many women.... Really? And we never had.... Most of you think you know how to love a woman.... The truth is you do so, just to a point. Just to that point where it can become dangerous for you. You test her over and over again, and never have a satisfactory response. You love her just to the point when she can hurt you.... The real problem is, that you are too cowardly to go all the way. It's hard to overwhelm the fear that you are completely vulnerable in front of her. What's the point? You can get hurt, right? Let's go back and live in the virtual world, where no one looks deep into your eyes, and where anybody can be and do anything they want. That's such a beautiful lie! Life, sorry for misspelling....  Mainly because you don't have to take chances, you don't have to risk. It's more comfortable to know that you are the only one who can make mistakes. It's more comfortable living in that TORTOISESHELL.

Talking about love with a friend... "You can just love, POINT! There are many forms of love, but all have the same meaning. Most of the people only give in order to receive. That's not love, that's a CHARADE.I am thankful  that I can love even though I suffer, but I'm in peace with myself that I feel something. It means I'M ALIVE! It means I don't just cover the Earth with another shadow..."

Guys you have the false impression that giving your woman a comfortable life is enough. Is not. We can get that for ourselves, one way or the other. You think that if you give her something, you owe her. You can do whatever the hell you want with her. She just owe you that. You can hurt her, you can offend her, you can blame her for things that she did not do...just because you are suspicious, in fact you need REASSURANCE. In fact you are just afraid of being hurt! You are insecure as the spring weather, and all that she can do is beg for your forgiveness and wait for your "loving" arms to hold her again. Because women are used to be comfortable, they will take your shit and go on in a pathetic life.
The thing is, guys you have to MAKE UP YOUR MIND!!! Trust in the woman besides you, it'a a RISK, I agree, but it goes both ways (why your woman should trust in you??? You're just another man and she had too, been hurt before), or what your pack says? I know you have to prove them that you are THE BOSS! YOU ARE THE MAN!... She's just another heartless bitch that wants to hurt and use you...

You are the love of my life... TODAY! Tomorrow she will put the coffee pot in a different place, and she'll become whatever the man's suspicious mind will want to believe.... Today in Heaven - Tomorrow straight to HELL.

"Undress cause I wanna fuck you.... Get dressed cause I don't wanna fuck you anymore"???

"Love endure more easily absence or death than suspicion or betray." - André Mourois - Climat

Nostalgia

Summer almost  passed. Some sort of nostalgia is around me. I used to love going at the sea side. The Black Sea side, to be more specific I used to love Vama Veche. Used to, is the exactly right word. Everything had change everywhere. In a world dominated by fashion and glamour, even though they are just a cover of the reality, everything has to be for sale, everything has to be commercial. A bored world with no values, enslaved by mass media...

Vama Veche used to be that place where nobody cared about what are you were wearing or where are you staying as long as you didn't bother anybody else. Everybody was free to feel the way they wanted; everybody was free to be his own self. Of course it used to be judge, and seen as the "shit hole" of the entire country, where people go just to get drunk and drugged and have sex and be wild... The place for the "scum’s" of society. A vulgar place full of heavy metal music and cheap vodka. Maybe. But it used to be only TRUE place that you could go to. A cheap place for students. (everybody knows that students can be wild) Well, we all are, but at that age it doesn't really matter what neighbors think. A place to put your tent on the beach and wake up in the sound of the sea and a terrible hangover. A place for brave and true people. Not a place for a family guy or "daddy's girls". 

  
A place of freedom and happiness. Running away from home with a backpack, a sleeping bag, maybe 2 t-shirts and bathing suit. If you were lucky maybe a tent, if not, sleeping on the sand is that bad... Little money in your pockets, generally for drinks and cigarettes... The ultimate adventure. "That wild summer in Vama Veche", even if they were just a few days. Who cared? You were there! Going for a swim under the moonlight. Going to a "party" on the beach where you knew no one, but shared a drink or a song around a fire, with the sea breeze on the back of your neck. Every real teenager dream. Always fighting with parents, is just the age to do that because they simply don't understand you. Parents going crazy and punishing their kids, locking them in a summer at the country side with grandparents... Parents who are forgetting that THEY TOO had have the same age and dreams and misunderstandings. The age of making friends and memories. Great memories that will live inside you forever. The age of courage. 

Used to be a legend... and so many stories about a place... somewhere in the very south of the Romanian sea shore.    

What happened to that place? 
Same thing that happens anywhere else... It has become some sort of "must" of modern teenagers. Even those who had no idea what Vama Veche is about? They started to build up places and terraces and hotels, and slowly kill the spirit of the place. 
The beach full of tents has become nothing more than a piece of ground, isolated, cause "rich" kids don't get the idea of sleeping on the sand. 
If years ago, everybody was friendly to everybody, now it has become a place for groups, like in any other place. 
This year I skipped going to the Sea Side, I didn't even go to the "FOLK YOU" festival, a huge manifestation, a movement of culture, an attempt to blast values into the "young spirits" around Vama Veche and all Sea shore and country, if you think about it better. Why I skipped? 
Last year I become just DISGUSTED of what is happening to the "younger generations", what is happening to the so called freedom and rights of the individual. I saw things that made me laugh out loud but made me cry in the same time...
"Fitze" clubs everywhere you look. Camping places completely full. Expensive cars and what they call "limousines" around camping places???... That's at least hilarious. I mean you see, basically, 3 tips of "comedy characters" around here....
1. "Cocalarul of the capital city" - which means some sort of gypsy - even if not in skin color but more in attitude. The guy who spend more time in front of the mirror that his girlfriend. Who wears designers t-short when playing football on the beach, at least one or two sizes smaller so that anybody can admire his "well worked out body" - which actually you can read as : stuffed with steroids! A narcissistic bastard who thinks that if he wears a huge watch, he deserves everything and can own everybody, and that his clothes and accessories are increasing his value or brain, maybe. A guy who shaves his legs and oil his chest, who wears tons of hair gel, in order to be "COOL". Acts like a completely jerk and believes that if he drives an expensive or big car, he is the belly of the entire world. 
He waits in the car, eating his dinner, read as - left overs from lunch - a piece of bread with pate, smiling in the mirror, with the air con at minimum but windows all down so that everybody can "delight" their senses with his sound system and  latest brutal downloaded music CD, read as "MANELE" or House. Actually he's thinking : 
"I HOPE that anyone can see me, I can't keep this working for too long, I'm out of gas and it's dam expensive... Yeah! Take a good look. I'm the master. Fuck, I have to be careful when getting out of here cause I don't wanna scratch my car, that will cost a fortune, and I'm in too many debts already...shit... I forgot to pay the bank...." 
By the time he can finish thinking, SHE appears already nervous and swearing about the sand in her 2000 Ron shoes and the bad sleep in the TENT!!!! - but they act like they are living "La vie en rose" into a 7 stars hotel - if such thing even exist.
2. Pitzipoanca de Mall - Some sort of failed model, which thinks that her beauty is the most important thing in the whole world, and guess what? ... They are not even that beautiful as they think or act. She wears the latest fashion, the most expensive shoes and clothes or copy of them... tons of make-up that you can't even see the color or shape of her physiognomy. The type of girl who spends hours in front of the mirror, telling to herself how beautiful she is, even if she doesn't even believe it. But she acts like she is the most gorgeous and sexiest one. She's bulimic or she eats salads and when she's "escaping" into a box of chocolate she'll finish it and starve two days after it. Everything at them is fake : nails, hair, eyes color, attitude, smile. 
They both deserve each other and fit to each other, cause they're both "beautiful" and empty brains. They hit the road trough the holes in the asphalt swearing and angry about anything, heading to the most "exclusive" club around, rolling with very low speed so other people can admire them. The fact is they are so miserable and unhappy like a cat in the water. Their insecurity is bigger than the Universe itself. But hey! THEY ARE SO COOL, they are in the latest trends. And the worse part is that everybody dreams to be like them.  
They both have nothing else than fake image and a bad attitude for the rest of the world. No one can ever match them! Yeah... right.
3. Those who dream being as those two above and copy them in the worse possible ways....


That is Romanian Society. That is Romania. That is the Black Sea Shore, and that is what is extending everywhere... even in a legendary free and wild place... like Vama Veche. 


I'll pass, thank you! 

Yin & Yang

"There are moments when I miss her so dam much!".... Silence.

A song that brings me a smile. Memories. Moments. Laughs and tears... My yin or yang...


Almost 9 years ago, I found myself getting off a train, in place so busy that people forgot how to smile... Loneliness. Fears. Depression. Moved into "the big city", to be with my mum, and hopping for a better life... Left behind a big noisy family - but funny and loving, many friends, a small city surrounded by hills and mountains, some beautiful lakes and caves that I didn't yet had the chance to explore... Lost in a big crowd. Middle of high school. Everybody and everything that I ever knew was behind, now.
First day at the new school. It was cold and rainy. I remember I was wearing a pair of grey "cargo" pants and an orange sweater. Mum's boyfriend took me to the school. I got into the classroom, and after that embarrassing moment of: "She's Cassandra, your new colleague", I found an empty seat in the back of the class. First hour passed, and got out for a smoke. One of the girls from my classroom started to talk with me. I felt like an outsider, I was one. Then a couple of other girls came around for a smoke... "Can I have a cigarette?"... I had forgotten how things where, if you had cigarettes you were the best friend of everybody!... The next hour went by, the next break.... and sometime that day, I meet Sharon and Raluca.
Days went by and we started to talk more and more. We started to skip classes together and go "The Dubliner" for coffee and darts, and we used to spend entire days there writing poems and crying out our "boyfriends". In an year we basically knew anything about each other, and we were inseparable. Running away from school, from home to go to some book shop, parties, coffee shops and write even more.
Me and Raluca we're sometimes running away from Sharon and go in whatever park and make plans about our future, together of course. How will finish high school and we will move in together, how will our home look like, how will our children, and how we will grow old next to each other. No human on this Earth was to split us apart. Never.
We used to stay on a bench and imagine how we'll be at 70 years old... Our friendship grew so strong, that nothing else mattered anymore. She was there for me when I felt like suicide is my only way out. I was there for her when her father came drunk at home and make her life a living hell. Nothing really mattered, we had each other.
 

I got my first job in Sharon father's pub, as a chef helper... Things went from bad to worse when I found out that my grandfather is dying and requested for time out to go home and see him. I got "No, can't do" for an answer and by the time I got the courage to quit my job, it was too late... I went home anyway, spent the summer there, but Sharon grew colder and almost turn Raluca against me. New school year started and somehow we manage to put the conflict behind us. I got another job, in a pub close to Raluca's place. Got in a huge fight with mum and ran away from home. Raluca got a job, closed to my work place, Sharon left for College in Italy. We used pick each other after work and go out, clubbing and dancing and drinking and having fun. We didn't really care that it was just the two of us. I moved in with my "boyfriend", and by the time the summer ended, started to talk with mum again. Everything was going great, but life is never that simple. Boyfriend was getting jealous on our friendship and I made out a excuse to just ended. I spend the winter holidays with her, telling him that I was going home to my grandmother. We ran away together to Piatra Neamt and had a nice Christmas. Got back to Bucharest at my mothers place, cause they were away, and planned an nice New Years Eve for the two of us. But... I got so sick, that in the "Night of the nights" I was delirious from high fever. She was there for me and cheered the New Year with orange juice, watched Disney Cartoons all night and fall asleep into each others arms, after a strange "laughing for no reason" session.

After a couple of moths I got into another relation and the same jealousy occurred in a couple of months. Somehow he pushed me away from her, and probably for a year we didn't talk. I was missing her, but how to tell her, how to make anything work?

She had changed her phone  number....her e-mail. She moved. She had a new life....

After winter holidays, I found an off-line on messenger from her. I contact and meet her. After a couple of hours of crying and laughing and telling stories... we agreed that never, no matter what, will split us apart again.

The blonde girl with big brown eyes, that I shared everything with! The girl who was my sister, my mother, my lover and my best friend.

"There are moments when I miss her so dam much".... Silence. A tear hided away in the eye corner and a nostalgic smile is on my face.... I sent her a text message. We haven't speak for a couple of weeks now... I miss her....

Life is never the way we want it to be. She had to leave. She left and become that "outsider" that I once was. I know how difficult it is. I know what it means. I'm sometimes afraid that time and distance will simply kill what we have.... But then I see her online and we talk for hours.... we remember our "good times", we laugh, each in front of her computer, alone in a room. Wishing that someday, that empty room will be lighted by her smile...

Religion?

People ask me pretty often, why I don’t believe in God.

When I was a little girl my grandmother (my father’s mum – that is) used to drag me to the Church every Sunday. I never understood why people like to go in the pretty dark place, cold and smelling, to pray. Do you actually have to go to a Church in order to prove that you believe in God??? Of course you do. The CHURCH says so. The Church needs more money, and you make donations every time you go. The Priest – God’s hand on Earth I believe they like to be called – is standing in front and “sings” and reads from the Bible or Scriptures or whatever they are. But you have to listen, because you can’t read it yourself. Or can you??? Most of the people that I know are making a huge confusion: they believe in Church more that they actually believe in God.

What changed my mind? From going to Church every Sunday to not believe? I never liked Churches and I remember one night I was walking home with my father. I was about 7 years old and I asked him: “Daddy why is the Moon following us?”… We went home and he explained to me the Solar System. Since then, I started to look more often at the sky, and ask even more questions…

Shoot me if you must, but I don’t believe in either of them. My father, not a very religious man, made me read the Bible. And I did. How many of you believers actually had read the Bible??? I read it like any other book, exactly how my daddy told me to. I still don’t believe. I don’t believe that someone created humans from mud. I don’t believe that the world was created in 6 days. I don’t believe that someone is watching over every step that you take in life. Your step and all humankind’s and animals and everything else on this planet. If it’s a storm or tsunami or earthquake… you will say: “It is God will”. I do not believe that, not even in a hundred lives from now on. And I can go very far with this.

I believe that Church is the biggest lie ever. It’s a smart way to manipulate masses. Yes, we, as humans needed some rules. The Bible or Church or whatever, is providing those rules… You know… the Ten Commandments…   The basics of a society. Don’t kill, don’t steal and so on. It would have been a chaos without them, and we would live worse than animals… Well, we do anyway. I cannot believe that some guy stayed on a mountain and wrote those while God was telling him to.

I remember one psychologist ask me one time: “Which had occurred first? The mystic or the magic?”

Of course I answered The Magic. Why? This is my point of view…: Go back in time. Way back. You found yourself in let’s say a forest, hunting, right?  You have no knowledge at all, except that you need food and water and shelter in order to survive. Then, a storm comes out and you see the first time in your life a lightning. You are scared and hide under a tree, for example, and it makes you feel safe. You start to venerate that tree for protecting you. You start to venerate the sky and the lightning because it’s scares you. And so on. I believe that this is how The Mystic appeared in human’s existence. Humans discovered that there are so many greater forces than they have. It makes them scared so they start to “pray” for protection. Sacrifices. Believes. Gods. God. Church.

I’ll tell you what I believe in. The endless forces of Mother Earth. Sun. Science. Forces of the Universe.

If I’m not religious doesn’t make me lower than you. Or stupider. I am a spiritual being and I am a miracle. I breath, I think, I exist.

“Are you a human being having a spiritual experience? Or are you a spiritual being having a human experience?”

I am energy and I am influencing everything around me, in this life and after it.

Humanity

“Common sense is the genius of humanity.” – J.W. Von Goethe

Humanity, ah! Such a wonderful word. The truth is we have no idea what the fuck is that.  We look at ourselves in the mirror and say… “I am a human being” but except the fact that we still walk biped and we still use articulate language… What’s left from us?

We forgot so many things, that we got into the point where we have no idea what are we living for. We were born with the capacity to love, to think rational, to create, to feel. We are all capable to do those things, but how many of us are actually doing it? How many of us chose to be a honorable person, sensitive to others feelings and needs? 

Since the beginning of the civilizations, art had a very important role in the development of mankind. Art grew along centuries giving to the geniuses of each period the desire to do better. To be better than the artist master. Brave men! And most of them were. What about today? How many of us have the desire to create something exceptional? To be exceptional? To be different and show it to the world? All those lighted minds wanted to leave something behind them. What we’ll leave behind us? You will say “life is too hard to think at anything else than survival!” Is it? Was different then? Do you actually think that the ones that lived before us had lived “La vie en rose”? They just put value on other things. They used to be observers, we are just consumers. The only desire that we have in life is to make money. Yes! They make life so much easier, but is this the life? Is this our purpose in this world? We shouldn't see anything else?

The more we have the more we want. The more we want, the greedier we become. The greedier we become, the more we destroy. We become selfish. We lose faith and trust, and I’m not talking about religion. We lose what we call humanity. We forget that rational thinking is the most powerful tool that we have. We become so selfish, that we even forget how to respect ourselves. We are so hungry to get, that we forget how to get it right. We don’t care anymore about anything or anybody around us.We only give in order to receive.

If I have to go back to the arts… Everything has become nothing more than an industry. We make things just for selling them and don’t care about the quality that is reflecting our personality. Don’t  tell me that this is self respect! Take music for example. I have a huge problem, because I consider myself a consumer… but I have nothing to consume anymore, and I refuse to eat someone else garbage because they put it on the market. What happened with the “I have talent and I can offer the world something great!”? Now is just… “I can fabric talent in order to gain something from the world.” Those who actually have something to give are put to the wall and shot because no one what’s somebody who offers. They want to sell. And what do you do in order to sell garbage? Promote on mass-media. And promote it with such belief that even the most “illuminated” mind will try your product. Once they try it, there is no turning back. The poison takes control of the consumer’s brain and it kills it softly but sure. Everything that mass-media has to give is becoming a new fashion. And for what? For those few people who control everything, in order to keep you blind. What can they do with a slave that thinks???

Power  and control. Divide and conquer. Those are the new purposes in a “human” life. The new rules of “humanity”. The only things that are admired and used. And soon they will poison us all. It’s just a matter of time.

Victor Hugo described to poet to be “the man that has to have only one model: nature, and only one cause and guide: the truth.”  I say it should apply to every human in this world. In order to do that we have to be brave. Are we?

Why do I write these things? Because this is my place, where I can speak free, without being interrupted by poisoned minds.

Art is nothing more than a huge mirror which is showing us our true face. Is dam ugly, these days, isn’t it? Those who call themselves artist, have nothing to offer. The artists should love life and show us that life is beautiful. We don’t have that anymore, and yes! We doubt that life can be beautiful. We are cowards. We prefer to hide from the truth in order to be “comfortable” in our pathetic little lives.You can't win without effort!

What do I suggest? Stop. Stop in the middle of the street and look at the sky and tell me what you see. Stop being ashamed that people will think you’re crazy. Look at the starry sky  and let his mystery overwhelm your mind and senses. Do you think that Van Gogh will have painted the “Starry night” without seeing it first?

 

Stop listening to rough sounds instead of listen to the birds singing! It will take you the same amount of time. Stop looking at TV or read tons of useless newspapers. Try to read a book and stimulate your imagination.  Take off your horse glasses and look around you. Start using your brain or it will soon die!  

Personal touch

I always said I’m not a normal person, if I judge myself from the “mob” side of view. And I’m very happy and proud of the fact that I didn’t give myself for the false values that everybody seems to appreciate that much. A couple of days ago, somethings made me realize that, more than ever.

Big concert in the centre of the city that I’m living in. The “Big City” that I had always hated. The city that I still hate. Sitting on a terrace, some might say luxurious with the worse service I had ever seen, at a crowded table, with people that I never seen in my life. The one that matters, next to me. I look around and all I can see are fake smiles. Fake attitude, fake nails, fake hair and so on. Everything I’m looking at is actually fake. Even those around us are so. Everybody’s trying to be something that some cover of some idiotic magazine promotes. Everybody wants to be and act like they are important. Being popular it’s all that matters. And in order to be popular here, there are some rules. The society (so called) lives up to those rules, and don’t care about anything else that is surrounding.

First of all, your IMAGE  is everything! OK, that has been around us since the beginning of all times, and it goes around especially for women.I am a woman too, and I like to take care of myself, of my nails, skin and so on. I like to put a little make-up on in order to “show off” my eyes. I love to wear a nice dress or a pair of jeans with a “sophisticated” top. I like to feel clean and be admired. But I also want to be ME. The most important thing in whole wide world, everybody had forgotten: BEING YOU!  And especially here, people actually love to be the puppets of the mass media. They act, dress, eat, probably even sleep and THINK the way others are telling them to do so. Everybody seems to lose the contact with them selves and of course with the reality. The level of stupidity has gone so far that I can’t see any borders. The most upsetting thing for me (and a few other good fellows) is the fact that humanity seems to love to be that stupid. Nobody cares anymore than just aligning to the masses.

It just doesn’t matter if you are poor and have rent to pay, a crap job with a crap salary, or still living with your parents and squeeze their wallets… You have to wear the latest fashion, you have to drive a fancy car – with money borrowed for fuel in most cases, you have to cover yourself in cosmetics and destroy your body and health with wrong food and lots of drinks.And guys, what the fuck's wrong with you? You spend more time in the mirror than I do!Looking "macho" is not gonna make you man, especially when you have no idea of how much is 14,7 + 3 (I actually saw that!!!) and you have to take out your latest mobile to do the math! Please stop straining your muscles gain by steroids, you are SO DISGUSTING!

Girls, you just have go to a beauty salon at least once a week even for the simplest things that you could do yourself in order to keep in touch with your body and mind. Yeah! Be BEAUTIFUL! Cause that seems to be the only thing that matters in this world. The biggest problem is that the beauty that you consider to have is just a passing one and it’s connected only with your skin. In order to be beautiful you have to take care for your mind, also. Use your brain, or it will DIE, in case that didn’t happen already. You are unable to think for yourself because you don’t want to! You reach that top line of pathetic and stupidity because you choose to do so.

Being on that terrace, surrounded by people that I will never like, forcing myself to be polite and don’t start talking –I know that when I say what I have to say, it can get messy, very messy, I saw some scenes that made me laugh. I tried not to, but… Picture this scene…

She and him. She is uncomfortable with his friends around, only because she doesn’t get the attention that she wants and thinks that she deserves. (To want something here is equal to have to get it, especially for women – no matter what!) He looks uncomfortable with her around because he knows she will make a scene soon or they will have an argument later on. She’s trying to show him her “love” by ‘taking” care of her man. Feeding him from her salad, for example… She only does that to get attention, from him and the “approval” of his friends… Nothing is natural. The tension grows when he’s having a chat with his friend and so on… If you are unable to understand that everybody needs their own SPACE, from time to time, especially when MR.Stress is around... you have a HUGE problem!

I’m looking around at people and study them because I know I can write about those things, and I like to do it. Maybe I am mean but I love to see how they struggle to be in the centre of attention. Yeah! It makes me feel smart. They are showing me that stupidity won’t stop here, unfortunately. They will continue to be fake and act like somebody else will tell them to... Please DO IT, I will always have something to write about! 

I was having a discussion with a friend about this and he told me that I have to accept it the way it is. I have to disagree once more. I don’t have to accept anything! I don’t need people like those around me, they will make me stupid. I don’t want to meet them; I don’t want to have anything to do with them. Yes, sometimes I am doing it, because they are too many! But I do not want them part of my life. I don’t want to go to some bar and talk about clothes and latest edition of Cosmopolitan, listening to some brutal sound that they call music.

Keeping the distance is actually the only weapon that I can use against today’s society, “the generation in power”. I love to go out and be surrounded by people, but by HUMANS who are using their brains. I love to be around people with who I can have a discussion about literature, music, sky, stars, arts, philosophy, life! I don’t want my life ruled by fashion. I am hungry for knowledge. 

I don’t like to sit at the table at be watch because I don’t dress “properly”. I am who I am, and I don’t want to change that.

 

I have around me some great people that I can learn from, and that’s all that matters.

Some are as weird as I am, loving to see the sky or the clouds in the colors of sunset. Some maybe more, screaming from the top of their lungs of joy when they hit a good score at darts. Some maybe less... But we share good moments and make great memories, we listen to each other and have great discussions about everything else, that many of you out there don't even notice they exist. 

I like to feel! Maybe “I am just a dreamer…” but as long as I believe that I can make it, I can live being myself and I know I will go the distance. It may be harder, but it’s the right way through life, at least for me.

I want to learn, not to forget who I am and what I am!

Story

Time is passing by to slow for those who are waiting. To fast for those who are fearing. Time looks way to long for those who are suffering. And it looks way to short for those who are happy.

It's late in the night and I feel sad and lonely. I lighted some candles and some incense sticks. I look at my cat. She's peaceful. Dreaming in my bed. Sometimes I wish to be in her place. Isis - the name of a Goddess. The mother of all Gods. The Egyptians used to believe that sometimes when the Nile is swallowing it's because of Isis tears of sadness and love for her long lost husband, Osiris. "(She of the) Throne". A little smile in the corner of my lips. Why did she answer to this name? She like it. My Goddess.

I'm going to the bathroom to wash my face. I see my face in the mirror... and I remember what my grandfather used to tell me. Now I understand. "Sometimes, in the evening, a face appears and it watches us, from the depths of the mirror". And even if I don't have his blood through my veins... He was the greatest man that I ever knew. Loving and wise. Peaceful. I will never forget his eyes. I wish I could learned more from him. I wish I could listen to him, once more. He wrote to me one single letter, after I moved into the "Big City". I wasn't there when he closed his eyes, I wish I could told him how much he meant to me. I still read that letter... I memorized it...

"Dear Sandra,

With great joy I read your letter and I really liked what and how you wrote. You have the talent to bring sunshine and happiness to our hearts. Me? What can I write? nothing special, the usual route, school and your granny, then home and this is how days are passing.

You should know that I am missing you and I'm very sad that you are so far away. I'm glad that you are OK and please take care of yourself and listen to your mother.

Anything else will probably write your granny or Geta, I don't find words to pun down on paper, but with tears in my eyes I send you all my heart.

Many times when I'm crossing the hallway of the Art High School, in front of your classroom I stop and I remember all those days when we used to meet there. When you used to run to hug me.

I'm looking forward to the day when we're gonna see each other and please receive all my love with the hope that we will meet again, soon.

With lots of love, Nonu, kisses you. "

I never seen him again... I went once with my aunt to the cemetery to light a candle. I tried to find him again. I knew there was a walnut just near his grave. I found the walnut, but never could find his grave again. It felt like he did not want me there... I hugged the walnut and cried...

I wanted to tell you a different story, I guess I need a break now.

Listen to your elders! You will understand later, if not now. We have a saying "Who doesn't have elders, should go buy himself." You never know when you're gonna hear them again.

WE WILL MEET AGAIN! But not yet...

Past

There is no cemetery, in this world, so big, that could swallow the past!

No matter where you will ever try to hide. No matter from who you want to hide. There is one single thing in this world that you would never manage to hide from. And that is your past.

I remember a couple of years ago, when I got my first job, my friend's mum kinda made go to a seminary. ( It was something like : "Go or find another job"... at 17... pretty hard choice). The main thing that was discuss over there, in two and a half days, was accepting your past as a part of yourself. Anything that happened in your life happened with a purpose. You learned something. Everything is an experience that shapes your personality. Good or bad, you have to accept them and even be thankful for them. If things were slightly different, you wouldn't be who you are. "Be true" with those in your life. And learn how to listen.

In order to gain power to get through life, you have to, first, accept that life is short, and keeping against other people, won't help you at all. You have to stop caring around rocks around your neck. You have to be true with yourself and those that are part of your life.

The first exercise that we had to do, I remember was... "Take your phones, we're going to have a 30 min break. In this break I want all of you to call the first person that comes through your mind, and tell that person your feelings. Call your mothers and tell them that you love them." I can't forget that image... 50 maybe 60 people spread around the garden of the hotel where we were, talking on phones... Yes! I was one of them. I called my mother and my grandmother... I wished I could called my father too.... I hugged my friends which were with me then, Raluca - she still is an important part of my life and I thank her for that, Sharon and Diana.

Words, maybe, are not reliable. But being true, it's all that matters. Time teaches us, that the truth is the only wonderful thing in life. At least it should! Lies will only compels us more than any truth ever.

I guess that what I'm trying to say is that I really got to that point when I realised, that I can not run away from my past. I always try to accept that everything that ever happened to me, happened with a reason... It did made me, the way I am today. With all that effort, there were things that I just wanted to forget. And for many years, maybe I managed to. At least I had the power not to think of them.... Life can make people change. As we grow older we're realising what we had, what we missed... what we lost. I guess.

No matter how hard I tried to forget... It all came back to me. My past hunting me. My dreams. There are things that I did not accept and now I look at them and I see a pile of garbage hidden under the carpet...

"It's easier to be wise for others, than for yourself."

I know I still have a lot to learn. I know. But, hey! I've been on this Earth only for almost 26 years...

I'm still just a baby and the world is my playground... We all are.

Overwhelmed

Another day had passed.

The evening is unfriendly. She came to fast. I do not want her. Loneliness. Remorse. Shattered. Missing. Some big part of me is missing. I feel like a empty body, walking around without purpose. Maybe I am. I wish for your hug.

I look at my little cat. She looks at me. She came to me and pushed her head into mine. It’s the first time, after 24 hours, when she feels safer. I try to use all my energy with her. She has no fault.

Killing a couple of other hours, try not to think much. Mantra. It’s the only sound that can calm my emotions. Don’t wanna cry anymore. I must not. I dream at your voice.

The silence is broken once more by the phone ring. Look at it and don’t believe it. Don’t know if I should answer. The heartbeat increases fast. I can’t breath. I try to control my body. Mantra. "Think light! Always think light." I answer. At the other end, a voice so familiar that makes me cry in the next second. I have to control my body and my mind. Think light. Memories are flooding my brain. I can not control them. Minutes are passing by. We talk and none of us has an idea about what. It somehow feels good, but so strange... All these years that passed by. All the moments when I wished he could be near me. When I wanted just to see him, or talked about anything... Pain. Questions without an answer...

All those little things that we used to do... Places where we used to love spend our summer days. Those evenings when he used to put me on his knees and tell me about life, about why is just the two of us.... about stars and universe... about music and literature...

My head's exploding. I can not control myself. Is just to much. I'm shaking... After almost an hour, we hang up. Probably each of us, thinking and remembering. Each of us with his own faults. Why did he give up on me? Why did I let him? Why did I let him drawn in alcohol and destroy both our lives?... Was there something that I could have done? Why we did not see each other for so many years?....

Anger, disappointment, sadness... Love. Memories all good and bad, overwhelm my senses. I collapse on the floor and cry out each one of them... Missing. Mantra. Think light.

"Eventually I will fall asleep." And I did. And started to dream about everything. Sweat and tears. I can not control them in my sleep. I wake up. Get my cat and put her next to me, once more. This time she lets me hold her. She purrs a little bit and let me fall asleep again. Then she probably went exploring her new play ground. I'm dreaming again. This time she jumps into the bed. She scares me and I wake up. Scared. Shivering. Shaking like I was freezing. Crying. I even scared the cat. I feel like I can't move. I have to get up. Heart is beating faster when I realise I'm in the dark... All the candles are burned up. The light switcher is so far...

I get up fast and turn light on. The little cat is looking at me. I collapse on the floor. She comes to me. We play around this game all night long... Finally the Sun is coming up. There's a little bit of light, and we finally fall asleep. She, next to me. Licking my fingers and purring. Me trying to empty my mind and let everything go...

I just wanna see you...

Friends

Once, long time ago, my mother had give me two little books. Through their pages you can only read those important fragments from greatest work of philosophers from all time. Probably in a lifetime, someone can manage to read all their work...

Aristotle is one of my favorites, just one of them, I have no idea how many I have! In one of his greatest work "Ethics", he talks among a lot of things, about friendship and he defines it: "FRIENDSHIP IS A SOUL IN TWO BODIES."

Let me tell you a story about friends...

Take "X" and "Y".

"X" goes to meet "Y". She tries to hide away everything that it's upsetting her, everything that is hurting her. She puts on a pair of reading glasses so she could hide away her eyes. She looks in the mirror, and thinks "It might work." She doesn't like to talk about her problems, she doesn't like to spread her fears and negativity. She doesn't like to share her pain. She walks on the streets with her head up, even if behind those glasses, tears are still being free.

She meet with "Y".

- Hello darling, how are you? Long time no see...

She needs a hug. "Z" is coming around...

-How are you? I didn't even recognize you! Come here you.... and "Z" hugs her. She doesn't want to let go of that hug. It feels so good, so safe... - What's going on? I sense you...

She pulls back and try to regain strength to hide her emotions.

-I'm OK. Just a little tired. Running around to meet someone so I can get her, and she lift up the cat basket that she's caring.

A whole conversation about cats starts, both of them, love cats. "Z" even ask her about getting a cat about a year ago...

Finally just her and her old friend.

-"What's going on? What have you done this time, you silly girl?!...

She likes that word. She knows that her friend knows she doesn't do things intentional. She doesn't wanna talk about it. This time, it's different.

-Talk with me! What's going on with you? Let me look at you.

- I fucked up, Y.

- I know darling, I can see.... What am I gonna do with you, you silly girl? Still in love with another sand bag?

-No. Not this time... She's struggling not to cry... Look, I don't wanna stay too long, I need to get home... Take her home and get to know each other...

- Where did you buy that cat?

- I did not buy it, I adopted her...

- Talk to you on phone, and see you soon, better than now... Promise me!

She remember that some time ago, someone told her, that friendship means sharing... She agrees, but still she doesn't wanna share negativity...

She left the place, went home and tried to smile looking at that innocent scared soul... She has someone to share her pain with... She starts to think again... Suddenly the silence in broken by the phone ring.... Another well known voice at the other end...

- You did not showed up at the party... Are you OK? Is something wrong? Do you need anything?...

- I'm OK, just a little bit sick. Just tired I guess, and I have a cat that I do not want to leave alone, now.

- If you wanna talk, give me a call, no matter the time...

She wish she could say something else... but in the same time she wants to carry this alone.... She doesn't want to be a burden for anybody else.

- Do not worry about me, I'm fine. Have fun!

Those who don't appreciate friendship... tear apart the Sun of the entire world...

Missing

Missing...

Just another word in world's dictionary?

What do we actually miss?

I started to think at this, when I got in bed, and I found myself alone, in a semi obscure room (Yes! I'm afraid to sleep in dark)... Only me and my thoughts. What do I actually miss when I think of missing that someone?

I miss everything that I love!

I lay in my bed. I pulled the so called curtains and looked at the sky. It just doesn't look the same. I can't see anything than red clouds. The stars will not be as shinny as they were when we looked together at them and scanned the sky for a shooting star. I can't smile.

I turned and twisted around in bed for probably more than an hour. Tried every sleeping position possible. Even that one that makes feel me safe and comfortable. What do I miss? That heart beat next to me. That unseen smile of content and comfort. Those arms that are trying to keep away all the bad things of darkness. That breath on the back of my head that is warm. Have you ever try to listen someones heart beat? It's like a melody that is calming you. A true Mantra. That low voice that whispers just because of the silence... so many things, so small that when you have them, you don't think of their importance.

If you miss someone, that means you're lucky. It means you have someone special in your life, someone worth missing. And missing someone is not about how long it's been since you've seen them last time or the amount of time since you've talk. It's about that very moment when you're doing something and you wish that they were right there with you.

So, no, I do not believe that "missing you" are just some words in a vocabulary. I think that's one of the strongest feelings that you can experience. But in order to miss, you have to love!

If you don't love, you can say "I miss you!" even to a statue. Is one thing to say and total different to feel! And the paradox is... if you don't say, no one will know.

Sometimes only one person is missing from your world and you feel that the entire world has been depopulated.

LIGHT

"Love conquers all" - Vergilius

I thought a lot these day. I thought deeply than ever. Whats the purpose in life? Where are we going? What are we?...

Candles. Mantra music. Incense. Meditation. In search for light and positivity. A hard battle with yourself, especially when you are overwhelmed by emotions. Drawn in tears.

I know there are lot of people out there who don't wanna believe in light, vibrations, energy. It's a complicated way, a hard path and sometimes you have doubts if it's the best path to take. It's not like a religion, you just believe and never question. It's a lot of effort and work with yourself. But I believe is the only way to be closer to the idea of "living life", to be closer to "the light".

I have the capacity to feel changes when it comes to energy and vibrations. It can make me feel sick or great. I know and I realised that I am sensitive to Earth changes... they are influencing me. All of us have this capacity, but how many wanna listen to it? I'm not one those initiated people who can send light to another person in order to clear their thoughts and feelings. I wish that one day I will be able to do that. But... thanks to a great friend, I learned a couple of tricks which I can use to change my vibrations. It's dam hard, and I probably succeeded in maybe 50% of the cases, that's a different story. Everything is hard until you proper learn how to do it. You have to want, first of all. You have to clear your mind and keep your path.

I was lying on the floor for a couple of hours, listening to mantra music and trying to listen to my senses... Trying to push out of me the negativity and fill myself with light and positive thoughts. Trying to learn how to control my thoughts. My mind. It's so dam difficult to just empty your mind. Usually I manage to it. These days was something untouchable.

The floor did not work to good, as soon as I got up, I started to cry and think again...

So... what a troubled mind like mine will think to do next?

I'll tell you... "Go out, in the closest park. Find a piece of soil. Take off your shoes and try again." There's no point to tell how people walking their dogs looked at me.... "She's crazy, I tell you!" but anyway... Took my phone with me, for music and started all over again. And I started to feel better. I even had a revelation. "What if I adopt a cat?"

I love cats since I know myself. Sometimes I even think I was one, in some other life. Plus... cats are a incredible source of good energy... Actually they absorb the bad one. If you have a cat and likes to sit in some particular place in the house, don't bother her. That corner if filled with negativity. You can call them a mobile Feng-Shui device.

I need another soul around me. My state of mind is dependable on affection. All of us are. And since I'm having problems relating with humans... A cat will do. I would like to find that inner peace and be better with those around me, but somehow I always manage to fuck up. I still am afraid of people. I'm pushing away those I would love to have around me forever, even if I don't want that. And I know I can control that. But I have to learn to do it better. I have to be the light in order to give light.

Love is the light!

Rivers...

Cold... on the back of your spine. Your entire body hurts... Your back is just unbearable. Your head is exploding! You're cold and all you can dream in this hopeless moment is a shoulder to cry on...

Sadness is tearing apart your brain, your words.... You try to do anything that could kill time...but the reality is... "We kill time, but time buries us."

You look at yourself in the mirror and you get even more scared that you are. Heavy eyes, grey and sad, with all tears dried out... No need to drink, no need to eat. Food has no taste and you don't want energy, you just want to lay down and not feel. You don't wanna fall asleep, cause the nightmares are hunting you like lions hunt antelopes... You know, that you will wake up screaming and crying and there's no one to tell you "It's alright, it's a just a dream..."

You burn another cigarette and make another coffee hoping that another day will come faster and forgiveness with it.

You close your eyes and open them fast, memories are just to painful. But they come and go and are replaced by each other so fast... you get dizzy. You wanna scream but your lungs are too tired. You look at the window in the same way you did when you first arrived here... It's to easy and... appealing. So you try to read, but you just see empty pages... You turn on TV, and realise you see trough it... You turn on the radio... but you hear songs that are bringing back memories... same ones that you're trying to escape from... Thinking about finding a different radio station...but in the moment that your fingers are touching that silver little wheel... you stop. You don't wanna give up those hugs, smiles, thunders, rainbows, stars or satellites...

When you first arrived here and looked at the window you though there's no point. "No one deserves your tears"... What's different now? You realise that you are not being hurt, but you hurt someone else... You hurt the person that you care for. That "Special Someone" who means the whole world to you... How could you do it? You don't get it.... but you know you did it!

You always think of things and so many times you think that if you think of them is enough. Reality is... thinking is never enough. You did not mean it, but you've done it!

You want to feel better, to forget, but actually in the same time you know that being miserable, is what you know you deserve. Every action that you take is followed by a chain reaction.

Yeah, making mistakes in human, but you have to feel the way you do, so you can learn from them! That's what a person in his right state of mind, should do. Learn from his own mistakes and never repeat them.

It's easier to forget, but easy doesn't make it right!

When you are lost no one can save you, no religion, no belief, but yourself! Believe in yourself, in your own power but not always doubt those around you. You always knew that everything in life has risks involved, and even if your fragile, those moments of happiness are making you stronger....

Candlelight... Silence... Dark... Loneliness... Remorse... Memories... Smiles that seem to fade away... Pain that can not match physically.... Only a couple of thoughts running trough your mind... Missing.

Is there any rule that should guide us trough our entire lives?... To love. What you don't want to happen to you, never do to anyone else.

And always remember that words are more powerful than anything else in the world. Choose them wisely and don't keep your thoughts to your self. They might as well, not exist. You can never turn back time!

Eternal and fascinating Romania

I was talking earlier about the education of being SELFISH in Romania... We love it! We grew up with it! and the worse is that we are really PROUD of it!

And let me tell you where you can see that better than anywhere else... EVERYWHERE you look around in Romania... especially when you try to drive...

If you wanna see this Forgotten Land... please read this CIRCULATION RULES, really careful, they might come in handy... Very!

1. THERE ARE NO RULES!

2. You must never talk about the fact that there are no rules!

3. Every free portion of asphalt is an ideal parking place, WHO CARES that there is actually a garage, the middle of an intersection or tram line... It's completely irrelevant! Please be aware of that!

4. Anybody can find himself a "paid parking space" as long you're the first to write your plate number on the asphalt and pun a fence around it!

5. Here the rule of "priority of right way" doesn't apply... or left...or middle... Priority always has the one who has the bigger car, or more expensive, or a bigger BAT in the trunk!

6. The road signs are just part of the city landscape... and they addresses only those who fear GOD, or death or those who are poor enough not to bribe the policeman... They will always stop you and found something going wrong, just so you can give them "some attention" - A.K.A. money!

7. NO ONE drives as good as romanians do! If you found yourself driving around, and someone horns you, look to your right, they will have the window half down, overcoming you, looking to you, just so you know, they are the "KINGS of the roads" here... It's just an attempt to intimidation!

8. In the rest of the time, blowing horns here, is just a sign of appreciation between two drivers, saluting each other... knowing that the other one had recognize his car and really like him - A.K.A it's a "powerful" friend that they will need some day - everybody has to know that, knowing people is very important! And they HAVE to show off that!

9. The lanes are just a design on the roads, or they are there just for cyclists, what other man in his right mind would drive between two parallel lines????

10. The real signification of the colors of the traffic lights are....:

a. RED - Generally you should stop but the rule is also break by the ambulance, firefighters and police cars, young drivers between 18-21 years old, those who don't have a driver licence but still drive, those who are too bored to wait, those who have powerful cars and nothing can ever happen to them... and let's not forget about politicians and drunk people who had just one beer - NEVER BELIEVE THEM - usually one beer can also mean A BARREL of beer!

b. YELLOW - Generally you can go on, especially if you have 200 km/h and you're driving a fancy expensive car!

c. GREEN - You go on, but only if you want, you can also take a short nap... of course on your own responsibilities, if you don't leave in 10 seconds since the green light.... you have to be prepared for consequences.

11. Cars with flashing are not in a real hurry... Except for picking up the pizza order... Why should anyone have a pizza when you're stuck in traffic jam??? THEY SHALL NOT PASS!!!

12. Women can't tell the difference between right or left so doesn't really matter witch hand you use to signal an "error"...

13. Stickers with fire balls, crosses hanging from the mirrors and any other "traditional stuff" A.K.A - kitch - are increasing the personality of the car... and someday maybe even the chances to get priority...

13 and 1/2 - You can never have too many "traditional stuff" hanged in your car....

14. Absolute any pedestrian is a idiot and have no idea what they want from their lives... Never mind them!

15. During the summer when is really hot outside it's "a MUST" to drive around really slow, with all your car windows down, the air conditioning to the lowest temperature possible and with the music volume at maximum... Oh, almost forgot - you should listen to some crap RAP or the traditional MANELE music.

16. The car mirrors are just some things where you should hang your crosses and other things... NO ONE use them! Same with signals, WHO ACTUALLY WHATS TO KNOW WHEN YOU SWITCH DIRECTIONS????

17. Any traffic conflict can be solved "friendly" with some guns, knives and a "little help from my friends" called in with the help of the most complicated mobile phone you'll ever see....

18. The tram lines are actually some secret acceleration tracks....

19. Everybody who says that they are the perfect disciplined driver in traffic... you will find them blocking most of the intersections...

20. The buss station are the ideal parking space especially during rainy days, cause they have cover...

21. Any damage made to the car, during driving, will be report to the police, with the typical excuse: " This is how I found it, this morning in the parking space..."

22. Any traffic jam is happening only from the guilt of the City Hall witch is unable to proper administrate city roads....

23. Anybody who don't agree with those rules is a female or a pedestrian or just shouldn't be in Romania.....

To be continued.....

Welcome BACK to Romania

Please set your watches at least 100 years ago... and adjust them depending on the city you're in...

"Ladies and Gentlemen fasten your seat belts, in about 10 min, we're going to land in Bucharest, the capital of Romania, the European Forgotten Land... "

You found yourself thinking at so many things that even you don't have the smallest idea of what's going on in that head of yours.... Never happened to you? Well, to me it did. And it did so many times, that I'm having a headache just trying to remember.... What exactly I was thinking????? Aaaanyway... After a couple of days away, coming back in Romania, just gave me some sort of ugly feelings... depression, sadness and anger...

Don't feel a little embarrassed when you hear applauses when you're in a airplane and they land it??? What would they do if it crashes??? "Booo" the pilot???

What is the biggest pleasure that you get from life????

STOP thinking about SEX, what else???

I, for example, love to travel, always did and doubt that is going to change... Although I didn't too much, I enjoy it! I love it! And I love because it can give me that "brain orgasm" that every man in his right minds will look for...

The problem occurs when I go somewhere and people ask me... "Where you from?".... In those moments a taste of bitter is on my throat and my brain simply avoids to help me speak...

" I'm... aaaaa.... I'm..... hmmmm....aaaa.... from...aaaa.... Romania..." Where every romanian child dreams of becoming a gypsy... and they... somehow....manage to do so....."

That wouldn't be such a great problem... if it didn't affect me... But guess what??? It DOES! I'm ashamed of MY own country! Is this right? Is this normal??? Is this OK, to be embarrassed to recognize my origins? To say proudly I am from Romania? Can anyone do that at this moment?

THEY are trying to learn us in school our history, but we don't give a shit about it - history is just sooooo boring!... They tell us to be proud of our beautiful country and history and landscapes... YES! We have a past and we have a country - but I always like to say - too bad this country has actually people living in it, but unfortunately that's all we have left! An amazing story told by our teachers in schools... How did our ancestors resisted all the attacks from all the other people that wanted to grab our resources... Wow! and what bravery, what courage they had to defeat the conquerors... History, YES! But they don't tell us in school that our ancestors were the scum of the roman society combined with the savage drunker that they manage to conquer on this lands.... And we are still wondering why our people is the way it is??? Well.... Study the history more closer...

We have so many natural riches .... The mountains, the Danube and Delta....hills, the Sphinx ... sea side... Indeed all amazing... and what do we do?... We don't give a shit about them!

And even worse than not caring is destroying everything that we could use in our benefits! We are accusing each others and our Government, blaming today some of them, tomorrow others... but we DO NOTHING ABOUT IT! We're complaining to our family, our neighbors, the salesman from the market... and do nothing else! If our ancestors were brave... we had become THE PEOPLE OF COWARDICE!!!! We accuse and blame...but we forgot that we put our Government in charge! We chose them! We only have to blame ourself for everything that is going on....

A week ago, reading my e-mails I found one article that not only made me sad... but angry and started to cry in front of the computer... We have The Danube Delta, an amazing place filed with beauty... vegetation and fauna... most of them unique... right?

We have the so called wild horses... (they are so called, because they used to belong and be used by the peasants and released in the wild, when they no longer wanted them)... The same peasants, now are complaining about devastation and blame the horses for it... so what do we do???? KILL them! But no... we don't just kill them... we have to torture first... Isn't it? And to be worse, some of the peasants, when they heard they can actually gain something from those horses... they start to recognize them... and sell them to the people that were hired to "put them to sleep"... And probably they even go to watch others torture their "lost" animals....

We put those DEFENSELESS souls into a pen without food or water, beat them and torture them... JUST BECAUSE WE CAN????? YOU SHOULD BE THEIR PLACE!!! Awaiting your death in agony! We are no longer HUMANS!!!

INVOLUTION is our middle name! Instead of building a country, a community, a society.... what do we do??? NOTHING than COMPLAIN!

"A nation is only a individual multiplied" - Mark Twain though that, I believe that... what about you???

Let me tell you, what do you believe in... SELFISHNESS!!! You feel so good being selfish...so what if the human next to you has nothing to eat tonight? You throw away what you don't want to eat anymore, so they can dig through your trash... and the only thing that you feel is happiness cause your not in their position. But what if you were?

You feel good, you feel like a god dam GOD when you pull something off, even though you had to fuck other people around to gain your "trophy". You study other people and judge them... You blame everybody else but don't look in the mirror to see and realize your own fuck ups... You think you know everything, you think your are the best! And worse... you admire other people selfishness... but they always can do better, NO ONE CAN BE AS SELFISH AS YOU! You have respect for nobody and nothing in this world except for you... but you expect for everybody else to look up at you, to respect you... to admire you... to WORSHIP you....

And all that... JUST BECAUSE YOU CAN!!!????

"ME... ME...ME.... MINE... I CAN..."

YES! I AM ANGRY! And I want you to get angry and just say STOP!

Why am I so angry about?.... Because I had the "unfortunate" chance to see a difference! I didn't care too much about it...until...

Because, to build a "healthy" society, you, as an individual have to be good and happy and healthy, but so the others around you.... You have to think best for yourself, but also for those around you....

You go travel, enjoy life, enjoy yourself... You are able to say "WOW! That's amazing! How did they do it?".... And as long as nobody asked you where your from... You feel happy and even forget the troubles and misery from BACK home...

The holiday is over and I'm heading BACK home... A sense of regret is trying me, but always keep telling myself.... "There's no place like home"... I LOVE MY COUNTRY, but NOT the people who live in it!... And the proof.... didn't delay too much...

Picture this....

A couple of km of traffic jam on the highway.... After a couple of hours of driving, you are starting to be a little bit sensitive to shit.... Get pissed off because you hate traffic and really want to move FORWARD.... But guess what?.....

Two truck drivers... suddenly decide to have a chat!!!????!!!.... DRIVING with 20km/h.... blocking the whole highway..... Everybody blow their cars horns but the only thing that happens is... getting even more ANGRY! Is so easy to be selfish and not give a crap about those around you... Is so easy NOT TO RESPECT!

Finally they decide to "talk later".... Long lost distant cousin, probably.... and as you pass them.... SHIT! They ARE romanians!!!!....

Let me tell you that the only thing that you see is... black in front of your eyes.... Try to hide away! You feel ashamed... you feel embarrassed by your own people....

THAT IS ANGER!!!!

And that has to come to an end!

To be continued.....

Rainbow seekers

-“You know how you watch Discovery Channel, right? You know the show The Storm chasers?... We can do one called The rainbows chasers… “ And to be honest I couldn’t agree more with that statement. For about 3 days we drove around just looking at the sky, searching for some dark clouds and sunshine…

Now let me tell you a little story… It begins into a country of fairytales, a place so mystical and so magic, that even when your awake you aspect to see fairies and maybe a pot of gold at the end of a rainbow…

Once upon a time, far away from home, there was a charming little girl… No! Wait! That’s the wrong story… maybe some other time… My story starts something like that…

But why? Why? Why a story has to start in a specific way?... Fuck it! Just think RAINBOW!

If you think rainbow… be honest! What do you see? What is the first thing that comes into your head that you associate it with a rainbow? Someone told me, GAY PARADE… Well, I lied, it’s just one of the voices from my troubled mind… Yeah, I’m schizophrenic, sometimes… So what? I HEAR VOICES!?!...

Let's forget my state of mind and just get back to the story.... Shall we?... Rainbow... What do you see?..

I see a car, driving around hills covered in green soft grass, trees, flowers, sheep and cows... I see me, holding the camera on my lap, looking through every possible window of that car searching the sky, for some colors to show up and make my day...

The perfect conditions... dark clouds running around chasing each other... Beautiful Sun hiding from time to time behind unbelievable fluffy ones... We stopped a couple of times, on top of some hills but the only things that we saw were incredible landscapes... Everywhere you look you see green... The road that we took is leading us to only God knows where, cause we have no clue... A giant snake of asphalt that lies in front of our eyes... Ups, downs... rights... or left.... Sometimes you can see his majesty , other times you can see only a small corner of sky... You go through forests or just along hedges, through tunnels of vegetation... Old trees, younger ones... some of them covered in ivy that grew so big, it gives you the impression of two trees are growing together, holding each other, hugging like two lovers...

You look around and if you are lucky enough you may see some amazing horses or cute donkeys, or maybe some adorable little bunnies crossing the road... You hear the birds singing so hard, that you have the impression that you are in the middle of a concert... and so you are!

Smaller or bigger houses everywhere you look... It's so mystical, so magical that you almost expect a leprechaun to show up... Everything so perfect... but NO RAIN!

No rain, no rainbows... And that's what we are here for, more or less. So we go further on, looking for clouds and some rain, hoping for a rainbow... I'm hoping for my perfect rainbow...

Usual when you go in holiday, you pray for good weather and sun... and you pray even more so God can keep the rain away from you and your happiness... Not the case here! I want rainbow, so I want to find that rain!

It's almost sunset, and still... nothing! So I give up!

"Forget about the rainbows... let's stop somewhere nice to watch the sunset!" - but somehow I had the impression that my voice wasn't been heard... cause we were still driving around... And finally we ended up, in the same place where we were at launch... The ocean breeze kissed me once more...

But, when I decided just to see the sunset... darker clouds covered the Sun, completely... Yeah! Lucky me! So we decided to get something to drink to get a bit warmer, of course. What did you think of???

After a drink, suddenly the Sun showed up and we could go outside to watch the sunset over the Atlantic... And guess what? Outside it WAS RAINING!!!! Funny how things go around... When you want something and when you get it!

And during the time I was absolutely fascinated by the amazing beauty of the love story between the Sun and the Ocean...

"Baaaaby, look behind you!"....

And I turned around and I found myself looking towards a RAINBOW! But not only a rainbow, THE PERFECT RAINBOW! The one that I was searching all my life.... My perfect one!

A day hard to forget... A feeling hard to beat! A memory that will remain with me until I'll probably get Alzheimer... even if I prefer Parkinson.... Better to spill half of the glass than forget where you put the bottle!!!! Agree???

I only have one more thing to say.... NEVER GIVE UP! When you least expect it, amazing things can happen to you!

CARPE DIEM! get yourself some memories... thats all that remains...