LIGHT

"Love conquers all" - Vergilius

I thought a lot these day. I thought deeply than ever. Whats the purpose in life? Where are we going? What are we?...

Candles. Mantra music. Incense. Meditation. In search for light and positivity. A hard battle with yourself, especially when you are overwhelmed by emotions. Drawn in tears.

I know there are lot of people out there who don't wanna believe in light, vibrations, energy. It's a complicated way, a hard path and sometimes you have doubts if it's the best path to take. It's not like a religion, you just believe and never question. It's a lot of effort and work with yourself. But I believe is the only way to be closer to the idea of "living life", to be closer to "the light".

I have the capacity to feel changes when it comes to energy and vibrations. It can make me feel sick or great. I know and I realised that I am sensitive to Earth changes... they are influencing me. All of us have this capacity, but how many wanna listen to it? I'm not one those initiated people who can send light to another person in order to clear their thoughts and feelings. I wish that one day I will be able to do that. But... thanks to a great friend, I learned a couple of tricks which I can use to change my vibrations. It's dam hard, and I probably succeeded in maybe 50% of the cases, that's a different story. Everything is hard until you proper learn how to do it. You have to want, first of all. You have to clear your mind and keep your path.

I was lying on the floor for a couple of hours, listening to mantra music and trying to listen to my senses... Trying to push out of me the negativity and fill myself with light and positive thoughts. Trying to learn how to control my thoughts. My mind. It's so dam difficult to just empty your mind. Usually I manage to it. These days was something untouchable.

The floor did not work to good, as soon as I got up, I started to cry and think again...

So... what a troubled mind like mine will think to do next?

I'll tell you... "Go out, in the closest park. Find a piece of soil. Take off your shoes and try again." There's no point to tell how people walking their dogs looked at me.... "She's crazy, I tell you!" but anyway... Took my phone with me, for music and started all over again. And I started to feel better. I even had a revelation. "What if I adopt a cat?"

I love cats since I know myself. Sometimes I even think I was one, in some other life. Plus... cats are a incredible source of good energy... Actually they absorb the bad one. If you have a cat and likes to sit in some particular place in the house, don't bother her. That corner if filled with negativity. You can call them a mobile Feng-Shui device.

I need another soul around me. My state of mind is dependable on affection. All of us are. And since I'm having problems relating with humans... A cat will do. I would like to find that inner peace and be better with those around me, but somehow I always manage to fuck up. I still am afraid of people. I'm pushing away those I would love to have around me forever, even if I don't want that. And I know I can control that. But I have to learn to do it better. I have to be the light in order to give light.

Love is the light!

Rivers...

Cold... on the back of your spine. Your entire body hurts... Your back is just unbearable. Your head is exploding! You're cold and all you can dream in this hopeless moment is a shoulder to cry on...

Sadness is tearing apart your brain, your words.... You try to do anything that could kill time...but the reality is... "We kill time, but time buries us."

You look at yourself in the mirror and you get even more scared that you are. Heavy eyes, grey and sad, with all tears dried out... No need to drink, no need to eat. Food has no taste and you don't want energy, you just want to lay down and not feel. You don't wanna fall asleep, cause the nightmares are hunting you like lions hunt antelopes... You know, that you will wake up screaming and crying and there's no one to tell you "It's alright, it's a just a dream..."

You burn another cigarette and make another coffee hoping that another day will come faster and forgiveness with it.

You close your eyes and open them fast, memories are just to painful. But they come and go and are replaced by each other so fast... you get dizzy. You wanna scream but your lungs are too tired. You look at the window in the same way you did when you first arrived here... It's to easy and... appealing. So you try to read, but you just see empty pages... You turn on TV, and realise you see trough it... You turn on the radio... but you hear songs that are bringing back memories... same ones that you're trying to escape from... Thinking about finding a different radio station...but in the moment that your fingers are touching that silver little wheel... you stop. You don't wanna give up those hugs, smiles, thunders, rainbows, stars or satellites...

When you first arrived here and looked at the window you though there's no point. "No one deserves your tears"... What's different now? You realise that you are not being hurt, but you hurt someone else... You hurt the person that you care for. That "Special Someone" who means the whole world to you... How could you do it? You don't get it.... but you know you did it!

You always think of things and so many times you think that if you think of them is enough. Reality is... thinking is never enough. You did not mean it, but you've done it!

You want to feel better, to forget, but actually in the same time you know that being miserable, is what you know you deserve. Every action that you take is followed by a chain reaction.

Yeah, making mistakes in human, but you have to feel the way you do, so you can learn from them! That's what a person in his right state of mind, should do. Learn from his own mistakes and never repeat them.

It's easier to forget, but easy doesn't make it right!

When you are lost no one can save you, no religion, no belief, but yourself! Believe in yourself, in your own power but not always doubt those around you. You always knew that everything in life has risks involved, and even if your fragile, those moments of happiness are making you stronger....

Candlelight... Silence... Dark... Loneliness... Remorse... Memories... Smiles that seem to fade away... Pain that can not match physically.... Only a couple of thoughts running trough your mind... Missing.

Is there any rule that should guide us trough our entire lives?... To love. What you don't want to happen to you, never do to anyone else.

And always remember that words are more powerful than anything else in the world. Choose them wisely and don't keep your thoughts to your self. They might as well, not exist. You can never turn back time!

Eternal and fascinating Romania

I was talking earlier about the education of being SELFISH in Romania... We love it! We grew up with it! and the worse is that we are really PROUD of it!

And let me tell you where you can see that better than anywhere else... EVERYWHERE you look around in Romania... especially when you try to drive...

If you wanna see this Forgotten Land... please read this CIRCULATION RULES, really careful, they might come in handy... Very!

1. THERE ARE NO RULES!

2. You must never talk about the fact that there are no rules!

3. Every free portion of asphalt is an ideal parking place, WHO CARES that there is actually a garage, the middle of an intersection or tram line... It's completely irrelevant! Please be aware of that!

4. Anybody can find himself a "paid parking space" as long you're the first to write your plate number on the asphalt and pun a fence around it!

5. Here the rule of "priority of right way" doesn't apply... or left...or middle... Priority always has the one who has the bigger car, or more expensive, or a bigger BAT in the trunk!

6. The road signs are just part of the city landscape... and they addresses only those who fear GOD, or death or those who are poor enough not to bribe the policeman... They will always stop you and found something going wrong, just so you can give them "some attention" - A.K.A. money!

7. NO ONE drives as good as romanians do! If you found yourself driving around, and someone horns you, look to your right, they will have the window half down, overcoming you, looking to you, just so you know, they are the "KINGS of the roads" here... It's just an attempt to intimidation!

8. In the rest of the time, blowing horns here, is just a sign of appreciation between two drivers, saluting each other... knowing that the other one had recognize his car and really like him - A.K.A it's a "powerful" friend that they will need some day - everybody has to know that, knowing people is very important! And they HAVE to show off that!

9. The lanes are just a design on the roads, or they are there just for cyclists, what other man in his right mind would drive between two parallel lines????

10. The real signification of the colors of the traffic lights are....:

a. RED - Generally you should stop but the rule is also break by the ambulance, firefighters and police cars, young drivers between 18-21 years old, those who don't have a driver licence but still drive, those who are too bored to wait, those who have powerful cars and nothing can ever happen to them... and let's not forget about politicians and drunk people who had just one beer - NEVER BELIEVE THEM - usually one beer can also mean A BARREL of beer!

b. YELLOW - Generally you can go on, especially if you have 200 km/h and you're driving a fancy expensive car!

c. GREEN - You go on, but only if you want, you can also take a short nap... of course on your own responsibilities, if you don't leave in 10 seconds since the green light.... you have to be prepared for consequences.

11. Cars with flashing are not in a real hurry... Except for picking up the pizza order... Why should anyone have a pizza when you're stuck in traffic jam??? THEY SHALL NOT PASS!!!

12. Women can't tell the difference between right or left so doesn't really matter witch hand you use to signal an "error"...

13. Stickers with fire balls, crosses hanging from the mirrors and any other "traditional stuff" A.K.A - kitch - are increasing the personality of the car... and someday maybe even the chances to get priority...

13 and 1/2 - You can never have too many "traditional stuff" hanged in your car....

14. Absolute any pedestrian is a idiot and have no idea what they want from their lives... Never mind them!

15. During the summer when is really hot outside it's "a MUST" to drive around really slow, with all your car windows down, the air conditioning to the lowest temperature possible and with the music volume at maximum... Oh, almost forgot - you should listen to some crap RAP or the traditional MANELE music.

16. The car mirrors are just some things where you should hang your crosses and other things... NO ONE use them! Same with signals, WHO ACTUALLY WHATS TO KNOW WHEN YOU SWITCH DIRECTIONS????

17. Any traffic conflict can be solved "friendly" with some guns, knives and a "little help from my friends" called in with the help of the most complicated mobile phone you'll ever see....

18. The tram lines are actually some secret acceleration tracks....

19. Everybody who says that they are the perfect disciplined driver in traffic... you will find them blocking most of the intersections...

20. The buss station are the ideal parking space especially during rainy days, cause they have cover...

21. Any damage made to the car, during driving, will be report to the police, with the typical excuse: " This is how I found it, this morning in the parking space..."

22. Any traffic jam is happening only from the guilt of the City Hall witch is unable to proper administrate city roads....

23. Anybody who don't agree with those rules is a female or a pedestrian or just shouldn't be in Romania.....

To be continued.....

Welcome BACK to Romania

Please set your watches at least 100 years ago... and adjust them depending on the city you're in...

"Ladies and Gentlemen fasten your seat belts, in about 10 min, we're going to land in Bucharest, the capital of Romania, the European Forgotten Land... "

You found yourself thinking at so many things that even you don't have the smallest idea of what's going on in that head of yours.... Never happened to you? Well, to me it did. And it did so many times, that I'm having a headache just trying to remember.... What exactly I was thinking????? Aaaanyway... After a couple of days away, coming back in Romania, just gave me some sort of ugly feelings... depression, sadness and anger...

Don't feel a little embarrassed when you hear applauses when you're in a airplane and they land it??? What would they do if it crashes??? "Booo" the pilot???

What is the biggest pleasure that you get from life????

STOP thinking about SEX, what else???

I, for example, love to travel, always did and doubt that is going to change... Although I didn't too much, I enjoy it! I love it! And I love because it can give me that "brain orgasm" that every man in his right minds will look for...

The problem occurs when I go somewhere and people ask me... "Where you from?".... In those moments a taste of bitter is on my throat and my brain simply avoids to help me speak...

" I'm... aaaaa.... I'm..... hmmmm....aaaa.... from...aaaa.... Romania..." Where every romanian child dreams of becoming a gypsy... and they... somehow....manage to do so....."

That wouldn't be such a great problem... if it didn't affect me... But guess what??? It DOES! I'm ashamed of MY own country! Is this right? Is this normal??? Is this OK, to be embarrassed to recognize my origins? To say proudly I am from Romania? Can anyone do that at this moment?

THEY are trying to learn us in school our history, but we don't give a shit about it - history is just sooooo boring!... They tell us to be proud of our beautiful country and history and landscapes... YES! We have a past and we have a country - but I always like to say - too bad this country has actually people living in it, but unfortunately that's all we have left! An amazing story told by our teachers in schools... How did our ancestors resisted all the attacks from all the other people that wanted to grab our resources... Wow! and what bravery, what courage they had to defeat the conquerors... History, YES! But they don't tell us in school that our ancestors were the scum of the roman society combined with the savage drunker that they manage to conquer on this lands.... And we are still wondering why our people is the way it is??? Well.... Study the history more closer...

We have so many natural riches .... The mountains, the Danube and Delta....hills, the Sphinx ... sea side... Indeed all amazing... and what do we do?... We don't give a shit about them!

And even worse than not caring is destroying everything that we could use in our benefits! We are accusing each others and our Government, blaming today some of them, tomorrow others... but we DO NOTHING ABOUT IT! We're complaining to our family, our neighbors, the salesman from the market... and do nothing else! If our ancestors were brave... we had become THE PEOPLE OF COWARDICE!!!! We accuse and blame...but we forgot that we put our Government in charge! We chose them! We only have to blame ourself for everything that is going on....

A week ago, reading my e-mails I found one article that not only made me sad... but angry and started to cry in front of the computer... We have The Danube Delta, an amazing place filed with beauty... vegetation and fauna... most of them unique... right?

We have the so called wild horses... (they are so called, because they used to belong and be used by the peasants and released in the wild, when they no longer wanted them)... The same peasants, now are complaining about devastation and blame the horses for it... so what do we do???? KILL them! But no... we don't just kill them... we have to torture first... Isn't it? And to be worse, some of the peasants, when they heard they can actually gain something from those horses... they start to recognize them... and sell them to the people that were hired to "put them to sleep"... And probably they even go to watch others torture their "lost" animals....

We put those DEFENSELESS souls into a pen without food or water, beat them and torture them... JUST BECAUSE WE CAN????? YOU SHOULD BE THEIR PLACE!!! Awaiting your death in agony! We are no longer HUMANS!!!

INVOLUTION is our middle name! Instead of building a country, a community, a society.... what do we do??? NOTHING than COMPLAIN!

"A nation is only a individual multiplied" - Mark Twain though that, I believe that... what about you???

Let me tell you, what do you believe in... SELFISHNESS!!! You feel so good being selfish...so what if the human next to you has nothing to eat tonight? You throw away what you don't want to eat anymore, so they can dig through your trash... and the only thing that you feel is happiness cause your not in their position. But what if you were?

You feel good, you feel like a god dam GOD when you pull something off, even though you had to fuck other people around to gain your "trophy". You study other people and judge them... You blame everybody else but don't look in the mirror to see and realize your own fuck ups... You think you know everything, you think your are the best! And worse... you admire other people selfishness... but they always can do better, NO ONE CAN BE AS SELFISH AS YOU! You have respect for nobody and nothing in this world except for you... but you expect for everybody else to look up at you, to respect you... to admire you... to WORSHIP you....

And all that... JUST BECAUSE YOU CAN!!!????

"ME... ME...ME.... MINE... I CAN..."

YES! I AM ANGRY! And I want you to get angry and just say STOP!

Why am I so angry about?.... Because I had the "unfortunate" chance to see a difference! I didn't care too much about it...until...

Because, to build a "healthy" society, you, as an individual have to be good and happy and healthy, but so the others around you.... You have to think best for yourself, but also for those around you....

You go travel, enjoy life, enjoy yourself... You are able to say "WOW! That's amazing! How did they do it?".... And as long as nobody asked you where your from... You feel happy and even forget the troubles and misery from BACK home...

The holiday is over and I'm heading BACK home... A sense of regret is trying me, but always keep telling myself.... "There's no place like home"... I LOVE MY COUNTRY, but NOT the people who live in it!... And the proof.... didn't delay too much...

Picture this....

A couple of km of traffic jam on the highway.... After a couple of hours of driving, you are starting to be a little bit sensitive to shit.... Get pissed off because you hate traffic and really want to move FORWARD.... But guess what?.....

Two truck drivers... suddenly decide to have a chat!!!????!!!.... DRIVING with 20km/h.... blocking the whole highway..... Everybody blow their cars horns but the only thing that happens is... getting even more ANGRY! Is so easy to be selfish and not give a crap about those around you... Is so easy NOT TO RESPECT!

Finally they decide to "talk later".... Long lost distant cousin, probably.... and as you pass them.... SHIT! They ARE romanians!!!!....

Let me tell you that the only thing that you see is... black in front of your eyes.... Try to hide away! You feel ashamed... you feel embarrassed by your own people....

THAT IS ANGER!!!!

And that has to come to an end!

To be continued.....