First lesson

No matter what obstacles you will meet, dear friend, remember that life is not over. It goes only in one direction: forward.

Even if you feel that the whole world collapsed in front and you’re standing on a small cliff looking around in a deep abyss, you have to be aware that you have a contract with life and humanity. You can’t end it when you choose to. There are people that care about you and you cannot afford to be selfish.

Raise your eyes, even if they are tired or cried, raise them and look around you. Nothing had changed, except your perception over the things that are surrounding you.

The only thing that you can do is to accept what happened, understand why it did happened and learn from it.

You have to understand that the only guilt in your disillusions is actually yours and no one else’s.

I had the impression that deception is the only thing that it’s happening to me, but I never dared to look inside myself and understand why. Some of you came and told me: “It is not your fault. He made you suffer; he deceived you and so on…”  And I believed it and moved on with my life, turned the page, but never tried to understand what exactly happened.

Let me tell you that, no matter who you are what nationality you have or where you live, you are the only responsible for your life, decisions and choices. Conclusion: you are the only responsible for your deceptions. How many of us are aware of that?

You will come and say to me: “But he/she betrayed me!” No, my friend, no one betrayed you, except your own mind.

You didn’t look in your own reality or the other person’s, and indulged yourself with the things that made you feel good.

People tell me that this is love. You only see the good things and leave everything else aside, like you’ve been blinded.

Let me remind you that you control your thoughts; your thoughts control your feelings. In the moment that you make the choice of loving and trusting someone, automatic you sign and unseen contract with deception. Why?

Falling in love with someone is the first stage that you get thru and when that euphoric sentiment overwhelms you mind; you tend to attribute perfection to the person in cause. Your mind creates an illusion of something perfect. Things and people are never perfect.

As time gets by, that euphoria disappears and you start to see things that you didn’t saw before. Things that are bothering you and in the same time, scare you. You change your attitude; your feelings are not the same.

You see a different person in front of you and yes, that person usually goes thru the same feelings and questions as you do. In many cases people give up and move on and consume themselves in self-pity: “why did I trust him/her?” find someone else and the story repeats again and again.

When you are in that stage of questioning, you know only one thing: you liked and loved what you saw in the beginning, what you fall in love with. If you are there, you still have feelings. And those feelings can transform themselves in that something that never dies: true love. How to do it is the hard part, but first you have to make sure that you want to do it.

When you decided that you want to, and also have the same response from the other person, you can only do one thing: look at the reality. Balance the good with bad, and learn to accept the bad as it is. What you saw in the beginning is still there; it had never changed, but is not the only thing that exists in a human. Each and every single one of us has the good and the bad in himself. Be willing to make some changes. If you are able to look and accept the other person’s reality and vice-versa, you won one of the most exhausting battles. You can say it out loud: you love the person next to you, and what you have now, will not disappear.

The Promise

On my "to do list" I wrote "call your granny" and "be completely honest".

So I did.
I can't express in words how it felt when I talked with her for about a half hour and I had been more honest with her than I had ever been. What a feeling of completely relief I could had.
Normally when I'm having problems or when I'm dealing with something, when I feel low or upset, or anything negative, I do not phone her. Or even if I do, I hide myself from her, trying to assure that there's nothing to worry about me.
Don't get me wrong, this woman raised me. She was my mother. She's getting old and she knows as well as I do, that her health is not helping her too much or too long from now. I'm afraid that someday, I will get that phone call that will tell me... that she is no more. She needs to know that we are alright, otherwise she will consume herself with worries and regrets that she can do anything for us. Not to mention that any emotional shock - good or bad - can be fatal to her.

So, there I was trying to be as calm as possible and to tell her everything that I feel and how, and why, what is going on with me, trying to keep her calm and make her understand that there's no use for her to get worried, and she told me a little story:

- Sandra, you know that no matter what you ever did I had been always honest with you.I had always been there for you. Can you remember what I always told you when you did something or acted wrong?
I always told you : this is not you! I had always looked into your soul and always told you, this is not who you are!
I've been worried about both of you, I've been happy for both of you, I always had faith in you that you will found yourself and define your soul through actions.You will show the entire world who you are and what a wonderful person you can be. We all do make mistakes, but don't let that to stop you from finding who you are! You are and always had been a good person with a wonderful soul, but you have to find out what to do with that! Same I'm telling your mother, every time I have the chance. You know you grew up very close to me and I talk to you about everything. All my life I had lived for you. For all three of you. Ever since that day when I came home from work and I found the house empty, your aunt gone with her father and your mother crying alone, I lived my live through yours. You know what I did that day?
I ran to my mummy. I ran until I couldn't breath anymore. She was at one of my sisters. I went to her and collapsed with my head into her lap and cried and cried until I had no more tears. She let me to cry until I couldn't anymore, then she took my head and she looked into my eyes and told me:
"-Mariana, remember all your life what I'm gonna tell you now. From this day on, you don't have the right to make any mistakes. You don't have to right not even to die. You have left, one of the girls. From now on, you live for her. And you will see that Geta will return to you, to her mother. Remember this: from now on, you do not have the right, not even to die."
And that's all I did. No matter how hard it was. Geta came to me and I raised both of my daughters by my own and then I raised you. I had lived my life for all of you. Now, I'm old and sick, I'm afraid of death but at least I know that I keep my promise to my mummy. I had lived for all of you.
I always had faith that you will be who you are, how your soul is. I will not give up that faith, not even when my last breath comes.

I was speechless. I couldn't say another word. All I wanted was to collapse into her lap, like she did in her mothers. I realized that this is my purpose. To be better. And I made that promise to me, and to her. To be who she knows I am.

That's my promise to both of us.

Feelings

My brain is completely blocked. Your scent is all around me and is making me dizzy in my own thoughts.

I saw your face. Your eyes were sad and tired. Oh! How I wished to jump into your arms and just remain there. Nothing more. Nothing else. Then I realized if I would, I wouldn't just wanna stay there. I would had wanted to melt in your kiss. And that would had make the things even more awkward, even worse than already, everything is. I wish I could turn back time and just take back everything that made you feel bad, everything that was wrong for you. Everything that killed us, what we were.
All I can do is accept the way things are now. Why everything turned around and try to understand them, once and for all. All I can do is to be better. To be better for me, for my future. Although, I can't not think how much I would like you to see that I am better than what you saw.
I wish I can wipe out all the feelings that now are just... contrasting with what is left, like I did with my floors.
You left. I closed the door behind you, trying to say "bye" although my tears were swallowing my words. I didn't even know if you heard me, I just closed the door and collapsed, crying. After some time there, feeling miserable, lonely and cold, I saw the melted snow from your foot steps... I wished you were still there, with them. At least your presence, if nothing else. I followed them around, without even realizing. I stopped and told myself, "Wake up Cassie, it is over". Took the mop and wiped them out. As I was cleaning your footsteps I started to cry, realizing what I am doing, what I must do. Forget what you made me feel. Wondering if I'll even be able to do that. To wipe my heart, like I did with my floors...?... Will I ever be able to see you, just like a close friend? Will I ever be able to have the appropriate feelings for you being just a friend?
It seems so impossible now... But only time will tell. Only time.

You will tell me to stop feeling sorry for myself and do something for me! Don't say but do!

The even awkwarder thing is that  I don't feel sorry for myself. I realized that I have something to learn from. The problem is that I am sorry for what I did. For what and how I let you feel and see. That's the hardest thing to do. To forgive myself. To forgive my own mistakes.

When you hugged me today I just wished that I could freeze time, there, then.

                                

TO DO

Waking up from the "sleep walking" posture that I was in for months, it's not enough. My "atrophied muscles" need to start working properly again. So how can I do it? For start, I made a list... THE LIST! which it would be better to be SACRED. I did not arrange them in a particular order, just wrote them down to be followed.


THINGS TO DO

* START THE DAY DIFFERENT!
If until now you woke up whenever your body told you that "it's about time"... NO MORE! It's about time to set the alarm clock on "daily" and get up when it rings.
Make the coffee and drink it during the time you check every job possible to get. Until you will finish scanning job sites and sending e-mails with CV you will realize that you just finished your second coffee...

* TAKE A BREAK AND GET OUT!
Go take a shower. Get dressed. Be comfortable and get out of the house for at least 30 min. Doesn't really matter that you just walk a little bit without any purpose, or you go to the market, or corner shop for cigarettes, JUST DO IT! Doesn't matter if it's raining, snowing, or it's a beautiful day. Just go out and enjoy fresh air! Look around, observe places, people on  the street.

* EAT SOMETHING THAT YOU LIKE!
Don't let the hours pass through your day and eat at 8 o'clock a dam yogurt or an apple! Eat something that you like at least until 3 o'clock.

* ANSWER YOUR PHONE CALLS AND E-MAILS
Even if you're not in the mood to talk to that person. Answer the DAM PHONE! Answer to your e-mails, even to those stupid ones. Thank the person who sent them for thinking at you. Thank the person that sent a joke for making you smile.

*SEE A FRIEND!
See someone that you enjoy the company of, at least one a week. Go for a coffee to "catch up", go to theater or a movie together. It doesn't matter if you're just visiting, of they are visiting you, or if you just go for a walk.

*GO IN A PARK
Alone or not. JUST GO at least once a week. Nature is good for your brain.

*SEE YOUR MOTHER
At least once a week visit her, or meet her and talk. Be TRUE to her and tell her what or how you feel ABOUT EVERYTHING!

* CALL YOUR GRANNY
If you don't do it daily, do it at least once at 2-3 days. She needs that! It makes her happy just to hear your voice and to know that you are doing good. It helps her through her health problems and helps her to forget that you are so far away. You never know what advice she might tell you, or when you will  hear her the last time. Tell her that you love her and thank her for everything that she ever taught you.

* PLAY WITH YOUR CAT
She does need care, love and attention the same way that you do. Never forget that she is that soul that is filling your lonely nights. She will never let you down.

* SMILE
Do SMILE all the time, even when things are the worse possible. Smile gives you LIGHT!

* LAUGH
As hard and as much as you can. Is HEALTHY!

* READ!
Instead of watching stupid TV, read a couple of pages from a book. It will improve your imagination, dictionary and knowledge.

* APPRECIATE WHAT YOU HAVE
You will never see what you have if you're keep looking to what is missing. Be thankful for everything live gives you.

* DON'T WASTE YOUR TIME
Or anyone else's. Is the most important thing, don't waste time. Don't let things to be done tomorrow if they can be done today.

* BE COMPLETELY HONEST
Especially to you!

* BE KIND and PATIENT.
Forgive yourself. Any mistake that you did it's a lesson to be learn, use it to learn from it, instead of feeling sorry. Be patient with everything and with yourself. Nothing good comes out of rush.

* ENJOY EVERYTHING THAT YOU DO
If you don't enjoy it, better not do it. When you enjoy doing something you will make it GOOD. Even if sometimes we just have to do something, learn to see the goods parts out of it.

* MAKE SOMEONE SMILE
And do it on daily basics.

* KEEP YOUR "DAY OUT" - DARTS NIGHT
Seeing different people every week improves your "social skills". Talk and listen to them. Learn. Pay attention.

* BE LOYAL
To you. To those that care for you. To things that you like and love.

* LISTEN WHEN SOMEONE TALKS
You are learning something. Someone shares something with you. It makes you see a different perspective over something.

* LISTEN TO MUSIC
Never stop to listen quality music! It's pure medicine.

* LET YOURSELF DREAM
No matter what about. If you don't dream, you can not know what you want to achieve.

* BE HAPPY
Indulge yourself to feel good and to be happy.

* DON'T LET ANYONE TELL YOU WHAT YOU CAN"T DO
Trust in yourself and your dreams.

* DO WHAT YOU SAY THAT YOU WILL DO
Don't give promises that you can not keep. Your word means more than your comfort. Don't rely on anyone else to do things for you.


* At the end of the day, be thankful for everything that happened. Smile once more and admire your efforts.


Anyone can be better if they truly want and they DO MAKE EFFORTS!

Here Kitty kitty.... Isis?!?!?!

What a morning!!!

I got the wake up call in , let's say, an usual manner. I can' forget that I have a cat in the house, not even when I have the sweetest dream or the best sleeping hours.... I sometimes wonder, what's in that cat mind????

"-Hmmmm.... Let's see now.... What can I do today to scare the hell out of my owner.... (pet, human, whatever else but not owner, in a cat's mind)... Oh! I know... I'll jump on her back when she's asleep... She looks just too comfortable... Or.... or.... I'll bite her toe! Yes! yes.... But that's only until she wakes up... What about after???
Hmmmm..... (purring)... I should steal her socks again. She will not think to look..... under...the... SOFA! Yes, perfect!
I should land on the kitchen table when she makes herself that disgusting smelling dark liquid that she likes to drink. That will scare her good enough.... What's that?.... AHA! GOT YA! Oh.... my tail again... (blushing)
What else can I do?.....
Jump on those piles of paper that she looks so focus on them... book I think it is called.... Yes! I know she hates that! Jump on her lap when she's sitting on that weird looking water thing that's next to my litter box.....
Oh! I have to do my fur again.... One moment!.... That's better! Much better!.... What a tough life.. Taking care of her like that... She can't get bored when I'm around. That's my  job!
What about stealing her pen when she writes??? Hmmmm.... Purring.
I'll go play with my ball a little bit... but... which one?.... Ah! The yellow one... I'll make some noise, it's under the bed! I remembered... Her socks!... let's look around... where are those things?... Ah! her boots! Always her boots! She's pushing them into the boots so it makes my job soooo much harder... But I'll get them out. Claws! OK... It's almost out... YES! Now I have to carry it to the sofa and push it under! That's it!....
Oh... I'll better go eat something, I'm tired.....
Where was I?.... Aaaaaah! My fur again!?!.... Perfect now! I should get some sleep, all that hard work and thinking exhausted me.... Purring.

5 min later....

Sooo much better now....  Now, let's see what's on the table.... Up! YES! Wooowww... What is this thing.... Bleah! Ashtray! Aha! There's something that she use all the time.... God! It smells so bad! I hide this! Let's see where.... Hmmmmm.... Aha! Those kitchen carpets... Hard place to find it.... Perfect! That should do it for now.... Oh!... Forgot something! That soft paper roll that's in the litter box room... I can't understand why she gets so annoyed when I use it.... I don't use as much as she does... I just like to play with it... it's easy and soft and I make so many tiny pieces out of it....
I'll see what other ideas will come to me later... for now...is... WAKE UP CALL!!! BANZAAAAIIII!!! YES! Perfect landing! She's awake!...."

- Isis.....

"Ooooo.... I'm in trouble! I'll better get out of here! FAST! Under the bed! Let her 2 min, then... go kiss her nose! She'll like that.... Meow!"

10 min later....

- Isis???? Where's my lighter???? Iiiissiiiiisssssss!!!!! What did you do with the paper roll???? Jezzzz.....

"She calls me I'd better go....and... look curious....then... THE KITCHEN TABLE!!!"....

- Meow?

- Oh, Isis....

"She's on her way to the kitchen.... almost there... yes! don't look back... yes... BOOO!.... perfect landing again...."

- Are you trying to give me a heart attack?

Sometimes I really think that cats can't think of anything else than... "How to give my human a heart attack?"....

Well, at least it's a beautiful morning... Sunny...

BIIIP! Wrong answer!

Things are not going to well, from any point of view I would look at. I do admit it, things are going from bad to worse!
I woke up, FINALLY!, after quite a couple of months. Someone was there to tell me, continuous, that I HAVE to wake up! URGENT! Every time I said YES, I AM. I WILL, like i used to do when granny was trying to wake me up for school.... Bleah! Do I have to wake up??? But why? 5 more minutes, pleeeease! Numerous time, I've been told I'm gonna get burned. Like an idiotic child that I can be sometimes, didn't listen. Not close enough. Not good enough. An entire Telenovela developed... those "little" things that we name... "dramas". Stupid things that shouldn't even exist, they cause so much fucking trouble. They're like the dam particles in a very very very small sand glass.
All what was said it was in my brain like oil on top of water. It was burning my head and became dizzy. The dizziness was actually caused by the fact that my dam period just HAD to come, to make eeeeevrything better. But still, an ugly feeling. Very ugly. And if someone so much dares to tell me that truth does not hurt, I will.... I will tell that person some truth.
Aaaanyway, here I was: an ugly morning, painfully morning in which I manage to get out of bed, and went to think again at everything... on our most "comfortable chair"... My cat, of course, if I am somewhere in the house, she's there (I sometimes even wonder if she's a cat?), was looking at me, being extremely comfortable in the bathroom SINK! Words, facts... everything was spinning in my brain like a washing machine during the draining cycle. Went to wash my hands, face, teeth - normal stuff that normal people do in the morning - of course after I picked up and moved my cat out of the way. She landed on top of the washing machine and just keep staring at me. I turned around and as I was sitting on top of sink, sinking in my own thoughts, I lifted my look and... saw a pair of very grey, tired and faded eyes... I jumped. I stepped back a little bit, and quickly looked behind me. I was thinking, WHO THE HELL AND HOW DID ENTER INTO MY HOUSE???
The cat gave a very strange look - something similar to " ARE YOU NUTS?" - jumped from the top of the washing machine and gave me an very ugly "meow" while she was leaving the bathroom.

- OK, OK, I got you! and started to stare back in the mirror... It was shocking. WHO THE HELL ARE YOU AND WHAT YOU DID WITH ME????

I don't know if anyone had this feeling. That you look at yourself and can not recognize anything you see. Imagine how others look at you and don't get WHO THE HELL ARE YOU? And you still wonder why everything had changed??? Hmmm....

OK. The physical changes I know them. Lost weight, looking like crap - those are the results of consuming myself into "self pity", crying like a hypocrite without understanding anything. At least three times more cigarettes and coffee...no food. I HATE to eat alone, I just hate it! When they are sad some women stuff themselves with chocolate to regain that lost quantity of endorphin, I just can't eat anything. Nothing has taste.Nothing what so ever. What I could not understand was that pair of grey eyes - red and tired with dark rings, wrinkles, lack of any sort of light...

When you are asleep for some time, a couple of months in my case, you should be prepared for some serious changes in absolutely everything that surrounds you. But you can not be prepared. Why? Because when you are in that "state of mind", you think everything is normal, or should be normal according to your "dream".
I got sick for the same disease as everyone else here, SOMNAMBULISM or SLEEP WALKING. Being asleep day and night, doing absolutely nothing else than a "comfortable routine".
What we don't realize when we are that sort of "walking bodies" is how much harm we do. To those close to us, to everybody around us, to any sort of relation with anyone, not to mention how much HARM WE DO TO OURSELVES.
We fall asleep and get comfortable in a illusion, in which we don't think or question anything. We are just reacting if is convenient for us. Accept things as they are and be comfortable. We became controlled by that "inner beast" that we struggle so much to keep under control, under normal circumstances.

And let me tell you that waking up, is so fucking PAINFUL not to mention HARD to achieve. It's unbelievable, unreal what you see. You have the impression that you're in a nightmare that doesn't end but it gets longer and more horrifying by the minute. And because you were asleep for so long, you became so so slow in everything. It's something similar to atrophying muscles. In some cases, it might be already to late to do something about it.

So, here I am trying to figure out how to heal those muscles!

It took me ten times more than usual to see a dam mistake. Ten times longer to see something suspicious, and I only saw it because somebody helped me to. I feel like a bloody handicapped child. I can't see the meaning in a question. I can't see sarcasm... I cry at a joke??? FOR FUCK SAKE....Me??? So, gotta engage brain to exercise, now, or... well... don't wanna be like this for life.

So here I am, writing, taking me three times more than usual to use the right words. To tie a word to another.

Gotta go back to basics, USE IT OR YOU LOSE IT!

Three times longer is better than ten times longer, BUT NOT GOOD ENOUGH!

Feelings

Another cigarette. Another coffee. I can't taste anything else. Candlelight. 3:32 A.M. The Darkness of the night had defeated me, again. Nightmares. Loneliness.

Another memory reminded me, again, that I have tears.
When was the last time when I feel that endearment that I'm longing for, nights, now?

I can't even remember your smile. All I see is... eyes filled with anger. Poisoned words that are hunting me like a pack of wolfs into a freezing winter night.

Another cigarette. Another empty look at the cold and sweated bed. Shivers. Fears.

Snow is still falling. Icicles at my windows... upon my heart. Heavier.

Silence. Night. Terror.


Do I miss you?