A glass of wine

Browsing music on you tube, I first found this...

I remembered so many things... So I stopped to listen. I poured myself a glass of wine and enjoyed it... My head is so clear. My thoughts have an order... I feel.... happy. My brain in stuck. I wish I can describe in accurate words what I'm feeling right now... I guess everyone can just try it.
There's a moment of a complete honesty with yourself. I can see again how beautiful life is. What's important. How to smile and mean it.

How many beautiful people I have around me... did I ever thank them, for being into my life?
It just erased every bad thought... every bad memory... Oh! I wish that this state of mind will stay with me forever... Maybe it is just a moment, but it's a great one and I want to enjoy it, to live it...

"Carpe Diem"
Try it. Don't be ashamed to let music outflank you. Have a moment of honesty with yourself... Don't be afraid of your own feelings. Let them possess you.

Butterfly.... butterfly....

"Left without a reason to stay... "







Well... I always loved tattoos... I always wanted one. When I finally made the first one... I wanted the second...
I choose to make a tattoo that really means something to me. I spent almost 2 years, thinking what could I do for my mother... I remember I was in Amterdam Caffee, one guy was improvising something at his saxophone... Ok, maybe I had drink a couple of vodkas... but at one point I had seen my tattoo... I was looking in one corner above, and I noticed some musical notes... That was the moment when I had decided that I'll get another tattoo... for my mother. A musical sheet - part of a musical sheet - of one of her songs. And then came the next question... Which song???? It had to be the most representative song for her. Finally I agreed on "Curcubeu" - which means Rainbow.

That's why I'm wearing on my shoulder a musical sheet with a rainbow above it.
The rainbow... not only the name of my mother's song... but the symbol of hope. My mother says is the bridge on which our souls are going into the better world... The connection between us and the spiritual world. There are many stories about rainbow, maybe someday I'll gather them.

The next stop... Butterfly... butterfly... My butterfly... Why?



The Butterfly is a symbol of change, joy and love, metamorphosis.The Greeks likened the butterfly’s constant flitting from flower to flower to the restlessness of the mind: constantly changing from subject to subject. And I also know that "psyche" means soul and many cultures associate butterflies with soul.
The symbol of the butterfly stands for freedom, fun and joyous times. It is also symbolises a state of naturalness and purity.
In some old cultures, butterflies symbolize rebirth into a new life after being inside a cocoon for a period of time...
I guess all of these can be my reasons for choosing a butterfly.



The beginning of my new life... The chapter that I just closed... The beauty of what will come... The fragility of soul... Freedom... Beauty... Truth... Love.

Best friends

http://juliasplayground.wordpress.com/2011/02/18/fuckin-perfect/

Best friends... Who could though about that?
We did!
No mater how far she is, I know she's with me.



Miss you so much...

Lonely at Crossroads

Another ugly night had come... I found myself somewhere between a smile and a tear. Can't make up my mind if I should cry or smile.

Love comes and goes... Heartbreaks are always around, God forbid to miss them.
I found myself, at this late hour, listening to Vangelis, hoping that he could clear my brain, my thoughts...
A broken heart is hard to heal, but sometimes, you think that you had did it... You meet somebody else... You feel something, but you're too afraid to admit it, because you're afraid of being hurt again, you're afraid to be happy because you know you have to pay a price for it, eventually. You try to let go. You're telling to yourself: "Carpe Diem" in every second, and in most of the time you manage to do it.
You feel that you are doing good, that you are standing on your feet, when... in just a couple of moments, everything is going under... everything in sinking around you... You see a familiar face, hear that voice... butterflies in your stomach, your heart is beating faster and faster and when you feel that hug, from that love that shuttered your heart in so many pieces, you simply don't know what to do. Your body says something, your brain something else. What to do?
You hear apologizes, you see some kind of pain in those eyes... and you start to wonder... Does it worth it? Another "second chance"... yet again. Your body screams yes... But for the first time, in a long time, you listen to your brain. You feel good, but sad. After a couples of hours, you feel like you did make the wrong decision, but you know is the good one, or maybe is just the wine... Than... why? Why do you feel miserable? You think at that hug and you cry... and then think at the other one, the one that you are somehow grateful for showing you that you worth more, that you deserve more... and smile... and than a tear is sweeping your face... and another smile...
Don't know what to feel... to smile? to cry?
Here I am, in the middle of the night smiling and crying... being sad and feeling lonely, but in the same time, knowing that someone else misses me, maybe... and smile and feel a little better, for a couple of moments...

I don't wanna make anybody suffer... but I don't want to suffer anymore!
Why do I care that much?
That somebody else made you happy, made you feel great and then... why are you so afraid?

MUSIC

Going through my books, trying to put them in they're right place, I read this ....
‎"Without music, life would be a mistake!" - Friedrich Nietzsche

I somehow believe that. I love to listen good music - Ok, maybe good from my point of view - and just think or remember. To feel that "something" and then put it down on words... Music make me see the half full part of the glass. It inspires me. Sometimes gives me a better mood, sometimes emphasizes those feelings that are testing my soul, my brain... I found myself in music and I feel that every good song has a great message.



Smile, without a reason why
Love, as if you were a child
Smile, no matter what they tell you
Dont listen to a word they say
'Cause life is beautiful that way

Tears, a tidal-wave of tears
Light that slowly disappears
Wait, before you close the curtain
Theres still another game to play
And life is beautiful that way

Here, in his eyes forever more
I will always be as close as you remember from before.

Now, that you're out there on your own
Remember, what is real and what we dream is love alone.

Keep the laughter in your eyes
Soon, your long awaited prize
Well forget about our sorrow
And think about a brighter day
'Cause life is beautiful that way

What are you thinking?

My music therapy...
I have no idea WTF is wrong with my brain cell... I think it stopped working. It got too tired, trying to find ways to get out of OLD Cassie.
I wonder would I ever learn how to accept that people can be good to me for free? Will I ever learn how to be happy without mixing happiness with sadness and tears, and fears?
Once someone ask me: "What's your biggest fear?" - I answered I fear of becoming ordinary... Now, I realize that I'm afraid of happiness.



It would be so easy, so good... that I could just step into the rain, and wash everything away...

Cassandra...

Yeah... That's my real name...
And from this song, my father's idea, to call me Cassandra ...



Down in the street they're all singing and shouting
Staying alive though the city is dead
Hiding their shame behind hollow laughter
While you are crying alone on your bed
Pity, Cassandra that no one believed you
But then again you were lost from the start
Now we must suffer and sell our secrets
Bargain, playing smart, aching in our hearts
Sorry Cassandra I misunderstood
Now the last day is dawning
Some of us wanted but none of us would
Listen to words of warning
But on the darkest of nights
Nobody knew how to fight
And we were caught in our sleep
Sorry Cassandra I didn't believe you really had the power
I only saw it as dreams you would weave
Until the final hour
So in the morning your ship will be sailing
Now that your father and sister are gone
There is no reason for you linger
You're grieving deeply but still moving on
You know the future is casting a shadow
No one else sees it, but you know your fate
Packing your bags, being slow and thorough
Knowing though you're late that ship is sure to wait
Sorry Cassandra I misunderstood
Now the last day is dawning
Some of us wanted but none of us would
Listen to words of warning
But on the darkest of nights
Nobody knew how to fight
And we were caught in out sleep
Sorry Cassandra I didn't believe you really had the power
I only saw it as dreams you would weave
Until the final hour
I watched her ship leaving harbor at sunrise
Sails almost slack in the cool morning rain
She stood on deck, just a tiny figure
Rigid and restrained, blue eyes filled with pain
Sorry Cassandra I misunderstood
Now the last day is dawning
Some of us wanted but none of us would
Listen to words of warning
But on the darkest of nights
Nobody knew how to fight
And we were caught in out sleep
Sorry Cassandra I didn't believe you really had the power
I only saw it as dreams you would weave
Until the final hour
(I'm sorry Cassandra)

Even if ...

Listening to this song, I realize with a tear in the corner of my eye, about how many people have passed through my life.
They say that if your friends can't be counted on the fingers of one hand, you're a very rich man. So it is. But how many times did we found ourselves alone when the world seems to crumble under our the feet? However, we went through everything that seemed invincible. And then we all said: "These are my friends" No! I do believe! I believe in stories with friends. I think everyone owns a piece of someone's life. If everyone would stay near us, who do we appreciate? How could we feel alive, if not through disappointments? How could we enjoy the good times, if we had not suffered once?
In all, we are nothing but transients through life, through the world. We are just a listing of our facts and our choices. Every friend we had and we lost it meant something to each one of us. He made a mark in our lives. We learned something from him / her. We had moments with each of them...
And then .... "Even if" ...
And I believe, I believe stories with friends are the most beautiful. They are full of life, emotions, smiles and tears. To whom I told my first love? First kiss? First caress? And now I wonder, where are those friends, then? How many years have passed.... Each of them made a choice for his own life and he continued walking on his own way... Each of us remembers those moments, no one would forget, that would be inhuman...
"Even if" ... I will always remember the beautiful moments, with a smile, a tear in the corner of my eye and much nostalgia ... From each I learned something .... I loved each one, in a certain way.
I do believe in stories with friends! Those from now I will lose at some point, maybe not everyone, but will always be others and others ... We have a lot of love to share and many emotions ... How much we still have to learn... How many tears will run on my shoulder and poured out on other shoulders ... how many smiles and joy we have to offer like we used to do in those sunny afternoons surrounded by friends...

Childhood memories ....

It's cold ... It's ugly... Did I paid phone? But the Internet? What's in the fridge.... Oh my... I gotta go to market ... again....
I remember how good it was when I was a kid and all that were not even the slightest sense to me. I did not know. Not felt. I only loved the sun and green grass, trees and games. I loved to play "hide-and-seek" and always found a sucker to run from, and he could not find us until he got bored and go home. I remember how we struggled and now we climbed the neighbor's garage. Just to angry our neighbors. To shoot crows that nests in the pine near our windows. There were no days in which the building manager came to our doors to formally inform our parents about the damage. We ... blamed each other and always seems to miraculously get away with it. So, again, we were plotting the next plan of terrorizing the neighbors, mostly elderly. We used to ran in the park in front of the building, on the hills to steal corn or strawberries, or whatever. Then light a fire on shore of Birzava under the bridge of the Sports High School, and enjoy the harvest ... Until late in the nights we used to crunch seeds on the bench in front of the building and we used to play the "flowers, movies, girls and boys"...
Camil, my door neighbor, two years younger than me. We used to tease him by telling him "hairy camel" or "Gamila. Then, on the floor was Fat Sergiu. He was always tired, and he couldn't run at all. On the second entry was Septimiu, but he never came to play with us, and Suzi the daughter of some Hungarians that always expelled us, for being to noisy. Marcus, the one that we always put him into trouble. In the next block, brothers Iorga, Cristian and Adi, or Stan and Bran. In the same building Flavius, "Tzuca" on his nickname, always made fun of him because I had a goat with the same name. Raul, Bebi... . The gang of the district (which consists of fact... 4 buildings) ...We bother a dog, a cat or bird or anything else that could fall into our hands ...

Chewing Turbo gum, but not one ... no no ... All our pocket money were in those gums and more than that, eat 3-4 at once, and used to go home with jaw pain. Since then I won a sensitive stomach and gastritis... Those were some days ...

I sit wrapped in a blanket, listening to music and drink a cup of tea. Outside, about minus some degrees. Wilderness. This time ... Some years ago we made plans for "New Year in The Dryer" ed X or Y. Who comes, who's hiding the drinks. Who's stuffing on each sleeve a pack of cigarettes and a bottle of chocolate liquor "Tanita"... Who comes up with music, beer... Who else can keep our secrets... What concerns and what we used to worry about ... Now, each one with his own life... his own worries...

Now I listen to soul, blues, jazz ... rock ... Then I was lucky if I could steal one audio tape with Gods help, from dad ... to have those 2-3 slows... on which we were dancing like penguins. Otherwise ... Genius, Animal X, 3SE and many others. Maybe if we could steal from home, with great risk, one tape of Modern Talking or Michael Jackson and we would dancing all night long... (Meaning a maximum of 3 am, more than that no parent would leave us).... Now we no longer know where to be snobs, in which clubs with what outfit... another car ... trendy manicure, It's a MUST! If there's a PARTY,it MUST be with DJ, otherwise is no longer a funny world ... And at 4 am, everyone is drunk and drugged and dance on "manele" ... Come on! And there's no more Tanita, is Jack ... There's no more Rubby Bubble ... is Asti Martini at least ... Like everyone knows what the bartender is giving you to drink... Seriously!
Aaanyway...

Childhood, sweet childhood .... I miss it! I miss HOME! Terrorized neighbors with their claims that they have more obedient children ...Yeah, right! Crazy Baba Vela, and Demeni ... They used to entertained us most. I wonder ... Is the walnut in which we were trapped a hole day still there? .... Demeni shaking it as if he expected for us to fall instead of nuts ....