Religion?

People ask me pretty often, why I don’t believe in God.

When I was a little girl my grandmother (my father’s mum – that is) used to drag me to the Church every Sunday. I never understood why people like to go in the pretty dark place, cold and smelling, to pray. Do you actually have to go to a Church in order to prove that you believe in God??? Of course you do. The CHURCH says so. The Church needs more money, and you make donations every time you go. The Priest – God’s hand on Earth I believe they like to be called – is standing in front and “sings” and reads from the Bible or Scriptures or whatever they are. But you have to listen, because you can’t read it yourself. Or can you??? Most of the people that I know are making a huge confusion: they believe in Church more that they actually believe in God.

What changed my mind? From going to Church every Sunday to not believe? I never liked Churches and I remember one night I was walking home with my father. I was about 7 years old and I asked him: “Daddy why is the Moon following us?”… We went home and he explained to me the Solar System. Since then, I started to look more often at the sky, and ask even more questions…

Shoot me if you must, but I don’t believe in either of them. My father, not a very religious man, made me read the Bible. And I did. How many of you believers actually had read the Bible??? I read it like any other book, exactly how my daddy told me to. I still don’t believe. I don’t believe that someone created humans from mud. I don’t believe that the world was created in 6 days. I don’t believe that someone is watching over every step that you take in life. Your step and all humankind’s and animals and everything else on this planet. If it’s a storm or tsunami or earthquake… you will say: “It is God will”. I do not believe that, not even in a hundred lives from now on. And I can go very far with this.

I believe that Church is the biggest lie ever. It’s a smart way to manipulate masses. Yes, we, as humans needed some rules. The Bible or Church or whatever, is providing those rules… You know… the Ten Commandments…   The basics of a society. Don’t kill, don’t steal and so on. It would have been a chaos without them, and we would live worse than animals… Well, we do anyway. I cannot believe that some guy stayed on a mountain and wrote those while God was telling him to.

I remember one psychologist ask me one time: “Which had occurred first? The mystic or the magic?”

Of course I answered The Magic. Why? This is my point of view…: Go back in time. Way back. You found yourself in let’s say a forest, hunting, right?  You have no knowledge at all, except that you need food and water and shelter in order to survive. Then, a storm comes out and you see the first time in your life a lightning. You are scared and hide under a tree, for example, and it makes you feel safe. You start to venerate that tree for protecting you. You start to venerate the sky and the lightning because it’s scares you. And so on. I believe that this is how The Mystic appeared in human’s existence. Humans discovered that there are so many greater forces than they have. It makes them scared so they start to “pray” for protection. Sacrifices. Believes. Gods. God. Church.

I’ll tell you what I believe in. The endless forces of Mother Earth. Sun. Science. Forces of the Universe.

If I’m not religious doesn’t make me lower than you. Or stupider. I am a spiritual being and I am a miracle. I breath, I think, I exist.

“Are you a human being having a spiritual experience? Or are you a spiritual being having a human experience?”

I am energy and I am influencing everything around me, in this life and after it.

Humanity

“Common sense is the genius of humanity.” – J.W. Von Goethe

Humanity, ah! Such a wonderful word. The truth is we have no idea what the fuck is that.  We look at ourselves in the mirror and say… “I am a human being” but except the fact that we still walk biped and we still use articulate language… What’s left from us?

We forgot so many things, that we got into the point where we have no idea what are we living for. We were born with the capacity to love, to think rational, to create, to feel. We are all capable to do those things, but how many of us are actually doing it? How many of us chose to be a honorable person, sensitive to others feelings and needs? 

Since the beginning of the civilizations, art had a very important role in the development of mankind. Art grew along centuries giving to the geniuses of each period the desire to do better. To be better than the artist master. Brave men! And most of them were. What about today? How many of us have the desire to create something exceptional? To be exceptional? To be different and show it to the world? All those lighted minds wanted to leave something behind them. What we’ll leave behind us? You will say “life is too hard to think at anything else than survival!” Is it? Was different then? Do you actually think that the ones that lived before us had lived “La vie en rose”? They just put value on other things. They used to be observers, we are just consumers. The only desire that we have in life is to make money. Yes! They make life so much easier, but is this the life? Is this our purpose in this world? We shouldn't see anything else?

The more we have the more we want. The more we want, the greedier we become. The greedier we become, the more we destroy. We become selfish. We lose faith and trust, and I’m not talking about religion. We lose what we call humanity. We forget that rational thinking is the most powerful tool that we have. We become so selfish, that we even forget how to respect ourselves. We are so hungry to get, that we forget how to get it right. We don’t care anymore about anything or anybody around us.We only give in order to receive.

If I have to go back to the arts… Everything has become nothing more than an industry. We make things just for selling them and don’t care about the quality that is reflecting our personality. Don’t  tell me that this is self respect! Take music for example. I have a huge problem, because I consider myself a consumer… but I have nothing to consume anymore, and I refuse to eat someone else garbage because they put it on the market. What happened with the “I have talent and I can offer the world something great!”? Now is just… “I can fabric talent in order to gain something from the world.” Those who actually have something to give are put to the wall and shot because no one what’s somebody who offers. They want to sell. And what do you do in order to sell garbage? Promote on mass-media. And promote it with such belief that even the most “illuminated” mind will try your product. Once they try it, there is no turning back. The poison takes control of the consumer’s brain and it kills it softly but sure. Everything that mass-media has to give is becoming a new fashion. And for what? For those few people who control everything, in order to keep you blind. What can they do with a slave that thinks???

Power  and control. Divide and conquer. Those are the new purposes in a “human” life. The new rules of “humanity”. The only things that are admired and used. And soon they will poison us all. It’s just a matter of time.

Victor Hugo described to poet to be “the man that has to have only one model: nature, and only one cause and guide: the truth.”  I say it should apply to every human in this world. In order to do that we have to be brave. Are we?

Why do I write these things? Because this is my place, where I can speak free, without being interrupted by poisoned minds.

Art is nothing more than a huge mirror which is showing us our true face. Is dam ugly, these days, isn’t it? Those who call themselves artist, have nothing to offer. The artists should love life and show us that life is beautiful. We don’t have that anymore, and yes! We doubt that life can be beautiful. We are cowards. We prefer to hide from the truth in order to be “comfortable” in our pathetic little lives.You can't win without effort!

What do I suggest? Stop. Stop in the middle of the street and look at the sky and tell me what you see. Stop being ashamed that people will think you’re crazy. Look at the starry sky  and let his mystery overwhelm your mind and senses. Do you think that Van Gogh will have painted the “Starry night” without seeing it first?

 

Stop listening to rough sounds instead of listen to the birds singing! It will take you the same amount of time. Stop looking at TV or read tons of useless newspapers. Try to read a book and stimulate your imagination.  Take off your horse glasses and look around you. Start using your brain or it will soon die!  

Personal touch

I always said I’m not a normal person, if I judge myself from the “mob” side of view. And I’m very happy and proud of the fact that I didn’t give myself for the false values that everybody seems to appreciate that much. A couple of days ago, somethings made me realize that, more than ever.

Big concert in the centre of the city that I’m living in. The “Big City” that I had always hated. The city that I still hate. Sitting on a terrace, some might say luxurious with the worse service I had ever seen, at a crowded table, with people that I never seen in my life. The one that matters, next to me. I look around and all I can see are fake smiles. Fake attitude, fake nails, fake hair and so on. Everything I’m looking at is actually fake. Even those around us are so. Everybody’s trying to be something that some cover of some idiotic magazine promotes. Everybody wants to be and act like they are important. Being popular it’s all that matters. And in order to be popular here, there are some rules. The society (so called) lives up to those rules, and don’t care about anything else that is surrounding.

First of all, your IMAGE  is everything! OK, that has been around us since the beginning of all times, and it goes around especially for women.I am a woman too, and I like to take care of myself, of my nails, skin and so on. I like to put a little make-up on in order to “show off” my eyes. I love to wear a nice dress or a pair of jeans with a “sophisticated” top. I like to feel clean and be admired. But I also want to be ME. The most important thing in whole wide world, everybody had forgotten: BEING YOU!  And especially here, people actually love to be the puppets of the mass media. They act, dress, eat, probably even sleep and THINK the way others are telling them to do so. Everybody seems to lose the contact with them selves and of course with the reality. The level of stupidity has gone so far that I can’t see any borders. The most upsetting thing for me (and a few other good fellows) is the fact that humanity seems to love to be that stupid. Nobody cares anymore than just aligning to the masses.

It just doesn’t matter if you are poor and have rent to pay, a crap job with a crap salary, or still living with your parents and squeeze their wallets… You have to wear the latest fashion, you have to drive a fancy car – with money borrowed for fuel in most cases, you have to cover yourself in cosmetics and destroy your body and health with wrong food and lots of drinks.And guys, what the fuck's wrong with you? You spend more time in the mirror than I do!Looking "macho" is not gonna make you man, especially when you have no idea of how much is 14,7 + 3 (I actually saw that!!!) and you have to take out your latest mobile to do the math! Please stop straining your muscles gain by steroids, you are SO DISGUSTING!

Girls, you just have go to a beauty salon at least once a week even for the simplest things that you could do yourself in order to keep in touch with your body and mind. Yeah! Be BEAUTIFUL! Cause that seems to be the only thing that matters in this world. The biggest problem is that the beauty that you consider to have is just a passing one and it’s connected only with your skin. In order to be beautiful you have to take care for your mind, also. Use your brain, or it will DIE, in case that didn’t happen already. You are unable to think for yourself because you don’t want to! You reach that top line of pathetic and stupidity because you choose to do so.

Being on that terrace, surrounded by people that I will never like, forcing myself to be polite and don’t start talking –I know that when I say what I have to say, it can get messy, very messy, I saw some scenes that made me laugh. I tried not to, but… Picture this scene…

She and him. She is uncomfortable with his friends around, only because she doesn’t get the attention that she wants and thinks that she deserves. (To want something here is equal to have to get it, especially for women – no matter what!) He looks uncomfortable with her around because he knows she will make a scene soon or they will have an argument later on. She’s trying to show him her “love” by ‘taking” care of her man. Feeding him from her salad, for example… She only does that to get attention, from him and the “approval” of his friends… Nothing is natural. The tension grows when he’s having a chat with his friend and so on… If you are unable to understand that everybody needs their own SPACE, from time to time, especially when MR.Stress is around... you have a HUGE problem!

I’m looking around at people and study them because I know I can write about those things, and I like to do it. Maybe I am mean but I love to see how they struggle to be in the centre of attention. Yeah! It makes me feel smart. They are showing me that stupidity won’t stop here, unfortunately. They will continue to be fake and act like somebody else will tell them to... Please DO IT, I will always have something to write about! 

I was having a discussion with a friend about this and he told me that I have to accept it the way it is. I have to disagree once more. I don’t have to accept anything! I don’t need people like those around me, they will make me stupid. I don’t want to meet them; I don’t want to have anything to do with them. Yes, sometimes I am doing it, because they are too many! But I do not want them part of my life. I don’t want to go to some bar and talk about clothes and latest edition of Cosmopolitan, listening to some brutal sound that they call music.

Keeping the distance is actually the only weapon that I can use against today’s society, “the generation in power”. I love to go out and be surrounded by people, but by HUMANS who are using their brains. I love to be around people with who I can have a discussion about literature, music, sky, stars, arts, philosophy, life! I don’t want my life ruled by fashion. I am hungry for knowledge. 

I don’t like to sit at the table at be watch because I don’t dress “properly”. I am who I am, and I don’t want to change that.

 

I have around me some great people that I can learn from, and that’s all that matters.

Some are as weird as I am, loving to see the sky or the clouds in the colors of sunset. Some maybe more, screaming from the top of their lungs of joy when they hit a good score at darts. Some maybe less... But we share good moments and make great memories, we listen to each other and have great discussions about everything else, that many of you out there don't even notice they exist. 

I like to feel! Maybe “I am just a dreamer…” but as long as I believe that I can make it, I can live being myself and I know I will go the distance. It may be harder, but it’s the right way through life, at least for me.

I want to learn, not to forget who I am and what I am!

Story

Time is passing by to slow for those who are waiting. To fast for those who are fearing. Time looks way to long for those who are suffering. And it looks way to short for those who are happy.

It's late in the night and I feel sad and lonely. I lighted some candles and some incense sticks. I look at my cat. She's peaceful. Dreaming in my bed. Sometimes I wish to be in her place. Isis - the name of a Goddess. The mother of all Gods. The Egyptians used to believe that sometimes when the Nile is swallowing it's because of Isis tears of sadness and love for her long lost husband, Osiris. "(She of the) Throne". A little smile in the corner of my lips. Why did she answer to this name? She like it. My Goddess.

I'm going to the bathroom to wash my face. I see my face in the mirror... and I remember what my grandfather used to tell me. Now I understand. "Sometimes, in the evening, a face appears and it watches us, from the depths of the mirror". And even if I don't have his blood through my veins... He was the greatest man that I ever knew. Loving and wise. Peaceful. I will never forget his eyes. I wish I could learned more from him. I wish I could listen to him, once more. He wrote to me one single letter, after I moved into the "Big City". I wasn't there when he closed his eyes, I wish I could told him how much he meant to me. I still read that letter... I memorized it...

"Dear Sandra,

With great joy I read your letter and I really liked what and how you wrote. You have the talent to bring sunshine and happiness to our hearts. Me? What can I write? nothing special, the usual route, school and your granny, then home and this is how days are passing.

You should know that I am missing you and I'm very sad that you are so far away. I'm glad that you are OK and please take care of yourself and listen to your mother.

Anything else will probably write your granny or Geta, I don't find words to pun down on paper, but with tears in my eyes I send you all my heart.

Many times when I'm crossing the hallway of the Art High School, in front of your classroom I stop and I remember all those days when we used to meet there. When you used to run to hug me.

I'm looking forward to the day when we're gonna see each other and please receive all my love with the hope that we will meet again, soon.

With lots of love, Nonu, kisses you. "

I never seen him again... I went once with my aunt to the cemetery to light a candle. I tried to find him again. I knew there was a walnut just near his grave. I found the walnut, but never could find his grave again. It felt like he did not want me there... I hugged the walnut and cried...

I wanted to tell you a different story, I guess I need a break now.

Listen to your elders! You will understand later, if not now. We have a saying "Who doesn't have elders, should go buy himself." You never know when you're gonna hear them again.

WE WILL MEET AGAIN! But not yet...

Past

There is no cemetery, in this world, so big, that could swallow the past!

No matter where you will ever try to hide. No matter from who you want to hide. There is one single thing in this world that you would never manage to hide from. And that is your past.

I remember a couple of years ago, when I got my first job, my friend's mum kinda made go to a seminary. ( It was something like : "Go or find another job"... at 17... pretty hard choice). The main thing that was discuss over there, in two and a half days, was accepting your past as a part of yourself. Anything that happened in your life happened with a purpose. You learned something. Everything is an experience that shapes your personality. Good or bad, you have to accept them and even be thankful for them. If things were slightly different, you wouldn't be who you are. "Be true" with those in your life. And learn how to listen.

In order to gain power to get through life, you have to, first, accept that life is short, and keeping against other people, won't help you at all. You have to stop caring around rocks around your neck. You have to be true with yourself and those that are part of your life.

The first exercise that we had to do, I remember was... "Take your phones, we're going to have a 30 min break. In this break I want all of you to call the first person that comes through your mind, and tell that person your feelings. Call your mothers and tell them that you love them." I can't forget that image... 50 maybe 60 people spread around the garden of the hotel where we were, talking on phones... Yes! I was one of them. I called my mother and my grandmother... I wished I could called my father too.... I hugged my friends which were with me then, Raluca - she still is an important part of my life and I thank her for that, Sharon and Diana.

Words, maybe, are not reliable. But being true, it's all that matters. Time teaches us, that the truth is the only wonderful thing in life. At least it should! Lies will only compels us more than any truth ever.

I guess that what I'm trying to say is that I really got to that point when I realised, that I can not run away from my past. I always try to accept that everything that ever happened to me, happened with a reason... It did made me, the way I am today. With all that effort, there were things that I just wanted to forget. And for many years, maybe I managed to. At least I had the power not to think of them.... Life can make people change. As we grow older we're realising what we had, what we missed... what we lost. I guess.

No matter how hard I tried to forget... It all came back to me. My past hunting me. My dreams. There are things that I did not accept and now I look at them and I see a pile of garbage hidden under the carpet...

"It's easier to be wise for others, than for yourself."

I know I still have a lot to learn. I know. But, hey! I've been on this Earth only for almost 26 years...

I'm still just a baby and the world is my playground... We all are.

Overwhelmed

Another day had passed.

The evening is unfriendly. She came to fast. I do not want her. Loneliness. Remorse. Shattered. Missing. Some big part of me is missing. I feel like a empty body, walking around without purpose. Maybe I am. I wish for your hug.

I look at my little cat. She looks at me. She came to me and pushed her head into mine. It’s the first time, after 24 hours, when she feels safer. I try to use all my energy with her. She has no fault.

Killing a couple of other hours, try not to think much. Mantra. It’s the only sound that can calm my emotions. Don’t wanna cry anymore. I must not. I dream at your voice.

The silence is broken once more by the phone ring. Look at it and don’t believe it. Don’t know if I should answer. The heartbeat increases fast. I can’t breath. I try to control my body. Mantra. "Think light! Always think light." I answer. At the other end, a voice so familiar that makes me cry in the next second. I have to control my body and my mind. Think light. Memories are flooding my brain. I can not control them. Minutes are passing by. We talk and none of us has an idea about what. It somehow feels good, but so strange... All these years that passed by. All the moments when I wished he could be near me. When I wanted just to see him, or talked about anything... Pain. Questions without an answer...

All those little things that we used to do... Places where we used to love spend our summer days. Those evenings when he used to put me on his knees and tell me about life, about why is just the two of us.... about stars and universe... about music and literature...

My head's exploding. I can not control myself. Is just to much. I'm shaking... After almost an hour, we hang up. Probably each of us, thinking and remembering. Each of us with his own faults. Why did he give up on me? Why did I let him? Why did I let him drawn in alcohol and destroy both our lives?... Was there something that I could have done? Why we did not see each other for so many years?....

Anger, disappointment, sadness... Love. Memories all good and bad, overwhelm my senses. I collapse on the floor and cry out each one of them... Missing. Mantra. Think light.

"Eventually I will fall asleep." And I did. And started to dream about everything. Sweat and tears. I can not control them in my sleep. I wake up. Get my cat and put her next to me, once more. This time she lets me hold her. She purrs a little bit and let me fall asleep again. Then she probably went exploring her new play ground. I'm dreaming again. This time she jumps into the bed. She scares me and I wake up. Scared. Shivering. Shaking like I was freezing. Crying. I even scared the cat. I feel like I can't move. I have to get up. Heart is beating faster when I realise I'm in the dark... All the candles are burned up. The light switcher is so far...

I get up fast and turn light on. The little cat is looking at me. I collapse on the floor. She comes to me. We play around this game all night long... Finally the Sun is coming up. There's a little bit of light, and we finally fall asleep. She, next to me. Licking my fingers and purring. Me trying to empty my mind and let everything go...

I just wanna see you...

Friends

Once, long time ago, my mother had give me two little books. Through their pages you can only read those important fragments from greatest work of philosophers from all time. Probably in a lifetime, someone can manage to read all their work...

Aristotle is one of my favorites, just one of them, I have no idea how many I have! In one of his greatest work "Ethics", he talks among a lot of things, about friendship and he defines it: "FRIENDSHIP IS A SOUL IN TWO BODIES."

Let me tell you a story about friends...

Take "X" and "Y".

"X" goes to meet "Y". She tries to hide away everything that it's upsetting her, everything that is hurting her. She puts on a pair of reading glasses so she could hide away her eyes. She looks in the mirror, and thinks "It might work." She doesn't like to talk about her problems, she doesn't like to spread her fears and negativity. She doesn't like to share her pain. She walks on the streets with her head up, even if behind those glasses, tears are still being free.

She meet with "Y".

- Hello darling, how are you? Long time no see...

She needs a hug. "Z" is coming around...

-How are you? I didn't even recognize you! Come here you.... and "Z" hugs her. She doesn't want to let go of that hug. It feels so good, so safe... - What's going on? I sense you...

She pulls back and try to regain strength to hide her emotions.

-I'm OK. Just a little tired. Running around to meet someone so I can get her, and she lift up the cat basket that she's caring.

A whole conversation about cats starts, both of them, love cats. "Z" even ask her about getting a cat about a year ago...

Finally just her and her old friend.

-"What's going on? What have you done this time, you silly girl?!...

She likes that word. She knows that her friend knows she doesn't do things intentional. She doesn't wanna talk about it. This time, it's different.

-Talk with me! What's going on with you? Let me look at you.

- I fucked up, Y.

- I know darling, I can see.... What am I gonna do with you, you silly girl? Still in love with another sand bag?

-No. Not this time... She's struggling not to cry... Look, I don't wanna stay too long, I need to get home... Take her home and get to know each other...

- Where did you buy that cat?

- I did not buy it, I adopted her...

- Talk to you on phone, and see you soon, better than now... Promise me!

She remember that some time ago, someone told her, that friendship means sharing... She agrees, but still she doesn't wanna share negativity...

She left the place, went home and tried to smile looking at that innocent scared soul... She has someone to share her pain with... She starts to think again... Suddenly the silence in broken by the phone ring.... Another well known voice at the other end...

- You did not showed up at the party... Are you OK? Is something wrong? Do you need anything?...

- I'm OK, just a little bit sick. Just tired I guess, and I have a cat that I do not want to leave alone, now.

- If you wanna talk, give me a call, no matter the time...

She wish she could say something else... but in the same time she wants to carry this alone.... She doesn't want to be a burden for anybody else.

- Do not worry about me, I'm fine. Have fun!

Those who don't appreciate friendship... tear apart the Sun of the entire world...

Missing

Missing...

Just another word in world's dictionary?

What do we actually miss?

I started to think at this, when I got in bed, and I found myself alone, in a semi obscure room (Yes! I'm afraid to sleep in dark)... Only me and my thoughts. What do I actually miss when I think of missing that someone?

I miss everything that I love!

I lay in my bed. I pulled the so called curtains and looked at the sky. It just doesn't look the same. I can't see anything than red clouds. The stars will not be as shinny as they were when we looked together at them and scanned the sky for a shooting star. I can't smile.

I turned and twisted around in bed for probably more than an hour. Tried every sleeping position possible. Even that one that makes feel me safe and comfortable. What do I miss? That heart beat next to me. That unseen smile of content and comfort. Those arms that are trying to keep away all the bad things of darkness. That breath on the back of my head that is warm. Have you ever try to listen someones heart beat? It's like a melody that is calming you. A true Mantra. That low voice that whispers just because of the silence... so many things, so small that when you have them, you don't think of their importance.

If you miss someone, that means you're lucky. It means you have someone special in your life, someone worth missing. And missing someone is not about how long it's been since you've seen them last time or the amount of time since you've talk. It's about that very moment when you're doing something and you wish that they were right there with you.

So, no, I do not believe that "missing you" are just some words in a vocabulary. I think that's one of the strongest feelings that you can experience. But in order to miss, you have to love!

If you don't love, you can say "I miss you!" even to a statue. Is one thing to say and total different to feel! And the paradox is... if you don't say, no one will know.

Sometimes only one person is missing from your world and you feel that the entire world has been depopulated.