Feelings

My brain is completely blocked. Your scent is all around me and is making me dizzy in my own thoughts.

I saw your face. Your eyes were sad and tired. Oh! How I wished to jump into your arms and just remain there. Nothing more. Nothing else. Then I realized if I would, I wouldn't just wanna stay there. I would had wanted to melt in your kiss. And that would had make the things even more awkward, even worse than already, everything is. I wish I could turn back time and just take back everything that made you feel bad, everything that was wrong for you. Everything that killed us, what we were.
All I can do is accept the way things are now. Why everything turned around and try to understand them, once and for all. All I can do is to be better. To be better for me, for my future. Although, I can't not think how much I would like you to see that I am better than what you saw.
I wish I can wipe out all the feelings that now are just... contrasting with what is left, like I did with my floors.
You left. I closed the door behind you, trying to say "bye" although my tears were swallowing my words. I didn't even know if you heard me, I just closed the door and collapsed, crying. After some time there, feeling miserable, lonely and cold, I saw the melted snow from your foot steps... I wished you were still there, with them. At least your presence, if nothing else. I followed them around, without even realizing. I stopped and told myself, "Wake up Cassie, it is over". Took the mop and wiped them out. As I was cleaning your footsteps I started to cry, realizing what I am doing, what I must do. Forget what you made me feel. Wondering if I'll even be able to do that. To wipe my heart, like I did with my floors...?... Will I ever be able to see you, just like a close friend? Will I ever be able to have the appropriate feelings for you being just a friend?
It seems so impossible now... But only time will tell. Only time.

You will tell me to stop feeling sorry for myself and do something for me! Don't say but do!

The even awkwarder thing is that  I don't feel sorry for myself. I realized that I have something to learn from. The problem is that I am sorry for what I did. For what and how I let you feel and see. That's the hardest thing to do. To forgive myself. To forgive my own mistakes.

When you hugged me today I just wished that I could freeze time, there, then.