The Promise

On my "to do list" I wrote "call your granny" and "be completely honest".

So I did.
I can't express in words how it felt when I talked with her for about a half hour and I had been more honest with her than I had ever been. What a feeling of completely relief I could had.
Normally when I'm having problems or when I'm dealing with something, when I feel low or upset, or anything negative, I do not phone her. Or even if I do, I hide myself from her, trying to assure that there's nothing to worry about me.
Don't get me wrong, this woman raised me. She was my mother. She's getting old and she knows as well as I do, that her health is not helping her too much or too long from now. I'm afraid that someday, I will get that phone call that will tell me... that she is no more. She needs to know that we are alright, otherwise she will consume herself with worries and regrets that she can do anything for us. Not to mention that any emotional shock - good or bad - can be fatal to her.

So, there I was trying to be as calm as possible and to tell her everything that I feel and how, and why, what is going on with me, trying to keep her calm and make her understand that there's no use for her to get worried, and she told me a little story:

- Sandra, you know that no matter what you ever did I had been always honest with you.I had always been there for you. Can you remember what I always told you when you did something or acted wrong?
I always told you : this is not you! I had always looked into your soul and always told you, this is not who you are!
I've been worried about both of you, I've been happy for both of you, I always had faith in you that you will found yourself and define your soul through actions.You will show the entire world who you are and what a wonderful person you can be. We all do make mistakes, but don't let that to stop you from finding who you are! You are and always had been a good person with a wonderful soul, but you have to find out what to do with that! Same I'm telling your mother, every time I have the chance. You know you grew up very close to me and I talk to you about everything. All my life I had lived for you. For all three of you. Ever since that day when I came home from work and I found the house empty, your aunt gone with her father and your mother crying alone, I lived my live through yours. You know what I did that day?
I ran to my mummy. I ran until I couldn't breath anymore. She was at one of my sisters. I went to her and collapsed with my head into her lap and cried and cried until I had no more tears. She let me to cry until I couldn't anymore, then she took my head and she looked into my eyes and told me:
"-Mariana, remember all your life what I'm gonna tell you now. From this day on, you don't have the right to make any mistakes. You don't have to right not even to die. You have left, one of the girls. From now on, you live for her. And you will see that Geta will return to you, to her mother. Remember this: from now on, you do not have the right, not even to die."
And that's all I did. No matter how hard it was. Geta came to me and I raised both of my daughters by my own and then I raised you. I had lived my life for all of you. Now, I'm old and sick, I'm afraid of death but at least I know that I keep my promise to my mummy. I had lived for all of you.
I always had faith that you will be who you are, how your soul is. I will not give up that faith, not even when my last breath comes.

I was speechless. I couldn't say another word. All I wanted was to collapse into her lap, like she did in her mothers. I realized that this is my purpose. To be better. And I made that promise to me, and to her. To be who she knows I am.

That's my promise to both of us.