Overwhelmed

Another day had passed.

The evening is unfriendly. She came to fast. I do not want her. Loneliness. Remorse. Shattered. Missing. Some big part of me is missing. I feel like a empty body, walking around without purpose. Maybe I am. I wish for your hug.

I look at my little cat. She looks at me. She came to me and pushed her head into mine. It’s the first time, after 24 hours, when she feels safer. I try to use all my energy with her. She has no fault.

Killing a couple of other hours, try not to think much. Mantra. It’s the only sound that can calm my emotions. Don’t wanna cry anymore. I must not. I dream at your voice.

The silence is broken once more by the phone ring. Look at it and don’t believe it. Don’t know if I should answer. The heartbeat increases fast. I can’t breath. I try to control my body. Mantra. "Think light! Always think light." I answer. At the other end, a voice so familiar that makes me cry in the next second. I have to control my body and my mind. Think light. Memories are flooding my brain. I can not control them. Minutes are passing by. We talk and none of us has an idea about what. It somehow feels good, but so strange... All these years that passed by. All the moments when I wished he could be near me. When I wanted just to see him, or talked about anything... Pain. Questions without an answer...

All those little things that we used to do... Places where we used to love spend our summer days. Those evenings when he used to put me on his knees and tell me about life, about why is just the two of us.... about stars and universe... about music and literature...

My head's exploding. I can not control myself. Is just to much. I'm shaking... After almost an hour, we hang up. Probably each of us, thinking and remembering. Each of us with his own faults. Why did he give up on me? Why did I let him? Why did I let him drawn in alcohol and destroy both our lives?... Was there something that I could have done? Why we did not see each other for so many years?....

Anger, disappointment, sadness... Love. Memories all good and bad, overwhelm my senses. I collapse on the floor and cry out each one of them... Missing. Mantra. Think light.

"Eventually I will fall asleep." And I did. And started to dream about everything. Sweat and tears. I can not control them in my sleep. I wake up. Get my cat and put her next to me, once more. This time she lets me hold her. She purrs a little bit and let me fall asleep again. Then she probably went exploring her new play ground. I'm dreaming again. This time she jumps into the bed. She scares me and I wake up. Scared. Shivering. Shaking like I was freezing. Crying. I even scared the cat. I feel like I can't move. I have to get up. Heart is beating faster when I realise I'm in the dark... All the candles are burned up. The light switcher is so far...

I get up fast and turn light on. The little cat is looking at me. I collapse on the floor. She comes to me. We play around this game all night long... Finally the Sun is coming up. There's a little bit of light, and we finally fall asleep. She, next to me. Licking my fingers and purring. Me trying to empty my mind and let everything go...

I just wanna see you...