If it be your will

“We waste time looking for the perfect lover, instead of creating the perfect love.”

"Whenever you're hurt, ask yourself this question : what will love do?" - I was told one day by a man who looked deep into my eyes and saw what I didn't want to tell. I blushed and hugged him, and moved on.

I'm sitting in front of my laptop and don't wanna see anyone, don't wanna do anything. I wish I could scream my lungs out, but I know it will not help me, or anyone else. The only thing that I can do is be patient for all to slowly fade away. 

"Go feel sorry for yourself" he told me. 

I'm not sorry for myself, but I am sorry that sometimes people do not see the obvious. I am sorry that sometimes the simplest answer is ignored and replaced with scripts that even to a writer would be hard to put together. I am sorry that trust had faded away. I am sorry that I failed to show more of my feelings. I am not a very rational person. I was always more emotional than rational. Judge however you want this statement. 

Maybe you will say I am weak, I don't care. I know I am a lot stronger than I look, I always was.

I do have the strength to look at myself and see where I was wrong, where I made a mistake, why and what I should had done. I do have the strength to look at myself and admit when I am wrong. I do have the strength to face the suffering without running or hiding from it. I always had the strength to rebuild what was ruined and start again every time I was down, and all those are facts. I always had to strength to forgive.

"Forgiveness is an act of self love."

What I always failed to do was to say "NO" even if sometimes I should had. I forgiven when I should had punish. I loved when I should had been indifferent. I was unable to stand up for myself when I had a way to ignore or be kind. I always looked for the truth even if that costed me more than I was willing to pay. I made hasty decisions and acted reckless many times. I always looked for love and those simple things that can create something special out of almost nothing. And when I found them, or thought I did, all I wanted was to hold on to them but didn't realize that wanting to hold them will make me lose them.

I gave what I had, many times nothing more than moments or feelings.I gave me and all my heart. I have nothing else. I failed to look after myself when I had the opportunity to just enjoy you. 

Sometimes is just not enough, isn't it? Or maybe is too much to be accepted or seen. 

If all those make a bad person, so be it, cause everybody sees what they want or what others show them, and believe what they chose to, right?

If all those make me a looser, so be it. I don't feel like one. I feel that I'm alive and I have the ability to love, which can't be said about many people.

I still have a lot to learn, I don't deny that. We all do.

“The heart has its reasons which reason knows not.”