....

“When someone cries so hard that it hurts their throat, it is out of frustration or knowing that no matter what you can do or attempt to do can change the situation. When you feel like you need to cry, when you want to just get it out, relieve some of the pressure from the inside - that is true pain. Because no matter how hard you try or how bad you want to, you can't. That pain just stays in place. Then, if you are lucky, one small tear may escape from those eyes that water constantly. That one tear, that tiny, salty, droplet of moisture is a means of escape. Although it's just a small tear, it is the heaviest thing in the world. And it doesn't do a damn thing to fix anything.”

Sometimes I wish I couldn't feel at all, anything at all. I wish in these moments that I was never born, that I had never meet you, I would had never knew you or fall in love with you... It's sounds bad, I know. It's sounds childish and mean and I stop thinking at the most important things : it happened, deal with it, learn from it.

Whoever loved true enough and knows that could have given more or try harder, would be able to tell in details what I feel. 

Yesterday I wanted to be able to scream my lungs out, today I wish I couldn't use them anymore. 

Food doesn't exist anymore, water is disgusting, nights are empty and emptier, dreams are scarier or too sweet to be dreamed. Your face, our memories, places, moments are hunting me and feels like I have no escape. They show no mercy. 

The things that use to bring a smile to me, the things that I cherished the most, the things that I loved to look at every time and think about them, suddenly, all became, my worst enemy. In these moments I wish I had the power to lock them away and trow the key as far as I can trow anything. Some people do that. Some people are able to concentrate on something that was bad or wrong or imagine something to degenerate the good feelings, they let themselves overwhelmed by hate and anger. I think that the only result of that is to make yourself uglier and eventually become what you think of. If you let your soul to be drowned in hate and anger, then you will have nothing else to give, than that. I don't want to become like that. It's a longer path and much harder, but is the only right thing to do.

"Remember, what you think of, will expand."

A permanent battle with yourself. You think at bad, then you think at good, you get angry then you cry out of sadness. You wish you could show it once more, you wish to be able to do it right, but in the same time you know, you shouldn't. You wanna talk with them, you wanna explain, you wanna call, you send a sign... well, you shouldn't. If you decided, that letting go, is what you should do, don't do it. 

It's so hard.... cause you wanna hear that voice again, you wanna see those eyes, that face, feel that touch, that kiss, that hug.... You wanna do anything humanly possible to make them see that your actions were never bad intentions. You wanna make them believe the opposite of what they do. You want to be certain that they know how much you love them, but you will only cause annoyance and pain. Don't chain the person that you love.

“Why is there ever this perverse cruelty in humankind, that makes us hurt most those we love best?” 

If you truly want that, if you truly love, just.... let go. Do what you have to do, what you should have done, time ago. Hope that one day, that person will see how much you loved, but don't wait for that to happen. 

If you truly love that other person, respect the decision that they made. Don't try to change it. 

“The unending paradox is that we do learn through pain.” 

I can't even listen to music without crying, I haven't kept not even a song that I loved for me, I shared all my little knowledge. I can't watch anything without thinking that : we should watch it together. Everything is just a to painful reminder of him. Everything turned into a memory that hurts. We did so many things together, so many simple things... that now, I am unable to do them. They hurt too much.

A cup of coffee in the morning, a piece of toast, a glass of juice, a walk, a song, a movie, a glass of wine, a piece of cheese, a bath, History channel, looking at the sky, watering the plants, even sleep.... they all just hurt too much now. Everything that used to bring pleasure in my life from all time, and I shared them with him, have become my burden.