Addiction

"Curiosity killed the cat."

Believe it or not, it is a fact.
I feel it again.

Sometimes, I guess I just don't realize what my addiction about knowing the truth, costs me.

Ah, yes, knowing the truth.... Let me tell you, that it is a destructive disease that will hunt you down and take away everything that you love and care about. You think, in your naivety, that the truth is the Absolute, the only thing that sets you free, the only thing that matters in your existence. Well... Let me tell you, that we are NEVER ready to pay the price for it, that is because, always, the price of it is everything that you hold dear to.
"Everybody lies." - it's a fact.
"Sometimes we lie to protect the people that we care about" - I was told by the man that was the whole of my life.
He showed me so many times that he is different, that he cares, that he loves me, that he wants us. Than, something happened and he managed to hurt me deeply. So deeply that I started to question everything that I had. I just wanted to ignore the fact, and think that he will never do anything to hurt me, ever.
But, since then... all my life seemed to change. A long and exhausting battle took over me. In one minute I was thinking at the great man that I love and I had next to me, and in the next moment, black thoughts and fears were controlling me. I was doing everything that I humanly could to chase away those black thoughts. To believe what he showed me. To ignore a mistake. To believe he will not do what everybody else did.
A battle that is long and on all fronts.
You start to see things that are not there. You imagine the worse, although you know it is not true. You live in fear and doubt, although you have no reason to, and you know it.
You want to be reassured, you look for proofs to show you that you are wrong. You want the truth as a proof so you can end that exhausting battle faster and easier. You want the easy way.
And instead of doing what you should do, instead of letting the time to pass by and chill things and clear your vision.... you look for proofs. And when you do eventually find the truth, you realize that the price you will pay for it, is something that you will never be willing to pay. But it's too late for remorse now, you already have to pay it up.
I wanted to KNOW, I wanted to see, I needed proof and all I did, was to lose the dearest thing that I had : the person that I love and foolishly believed that he would want to hurt me. I looked for a proof, that I didn't need. I had all of them in front of my eyes, but I was blind.

Under normal circumstances, when someone asks me a stupid question I react and respond with sarcasm and consider that person a too bigger idiot to bother.... When my brain was bombed by thoughts and fears... I could't react, I stopped thinking and let myself go into panic. "I need the truth!" - that's all I could think. I didn't stop to think that asking him the truth might cause anger, I didn't care. All I wanted was to KNOW. To end that battle. To rest. I didn't think that asking him, under the control of adrenaline that was flooding me, would hurt his feelings after all that he did to show me opposite... I just NEEDED TO KNOW. I didn't think to look around me, at everything he already gave. I wanted truth.

Maybe, indeed, I acted selfish.

I wanted to end the battle and put an end to the nightmares that are consuming me, every night, since then.

But unfortunately this is how we are : we trust no one until it is too late.

You can find out the truth about someone when you find out what are they willing to lie for.